The Reality & Grief When A Woman Stops Self-Abandoning

The quickest way to find out who benefits from your self-sacrifice is to stop doing it. I am talking about self-abandonment with the nuance we rarely name: women are trained to put themselves last, rewarded when they comply, and then punished when they set boundaries and ask to be met. If you have ever tried to be kind, loving, understanding, and “easy”, only to end up exhausted and unsupported, you are going to feel seen here.

I share what happened when I stopped abandoning myself: people liked me less, relationships shifted, and grief hit hard. We dig into why women who call things out get labelled “not nice”, why credibility gets questioned the moment you stop playing the role, and why the advice to “just be authentic” can be a trap if we do not also tell the truth about the consequences. This is women’s empowerment without the glossy slogans, including the heartbreak of being misunderstood and the resilience it takes to keep choosing yourself anyway.

We also go straight into internalised misogyny, including how it shows up between women. Sometimes “my intuition doesn’t lie” is not intuition at all, but discomfort with a woman who refuses the rule book. I am not asking you to ignore red flags. I am asking you to check yourself, get honest about the programming we have all inherited, and become the kind of woman who backs other women when they are being targeted.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Core Promise

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This is the podcast for the women ready to break some rules, for the women who are fed up of pouring into everyone else and not getting what they want. This is where you discover what is true for you and you transform and alchemize the areas of your life that is not doing it for you. Welcome to Truth and Transformation. I'm your host, Kirsty D.

Why Women Self-Abandon

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Let's go. Hello, hello, hello, lovely. Today we're going to talk about self-abandoning. I'm going to talk about this, but with a lot more nuance than often gets spoken about. So we'll hear all the time don't abandon yourself and like she abandons herself and all of this, and like don't self-sacrifice, don't be a matter, but we don't talk about the nuanced piece that there are rewards for women self-abandoning. And we train people, we train women to literally abandon themselves. That you know that makes them better, more good. But then also when she stops doing that, we also make her the problem. So either way, she gets her ass kicked, and we don't talk about that enough. So we're gonna dig into that today. But you know, for the woman who's ready to stop abandoning herself and not getting what she wants, right? This is so important because you will realize that it doesn't work. Doesn't matter how loving you are, how kind you are, how generous you are, how understanding you are, how nurturing you are, you will end up getting your ass kicked. Like you just, you just will. Those kind of women get get exploited. They like can do all the quote unquote right things, and they end up, you know, like just just drowning, like unsupported. So then we'll say to women, well, just just don't abandon yourself, like you know, focus on you, pawn to you, own what you want. And we'll say all these things, and many people who see these things mean these things, but we don't talk about what actually happens to a woman and the grief that comes up when a woman actually does that. Like that's something that we don't talk about. So I've been on this journey for a while now, and I stopped abandoning myself, and I started um really advocating for myself and speaking out and raised my standards and call stuff out, and all of these things, like all the things that you're advised to do. And here's what happened: um, people didn't like me as much, and relationships fell down, and there was a lot of grief, and there was a lot of projection, and a lot of situations again and again and again that had repeated itself where I became the problem now that I wasn't only just kind, and now that I wasn't only just lovering it, loving, and now that I wasn't just tolerating, and now that I was doing all the things that they tell you to do, you know, call stuff out, like stick up for yourself, don't people please, don't enable, um, you know, all the things that they'll blame women for, like, oh, she didn't, she didn't have standards, she didn't do this, she didn't do that, she chose like, you know, all of these things, like she she she chose wrong. Like we always make women the problem, right? I stopped doing all of those things. And when I stopped tolerating that, if you've been here, you'll know lots of people didn't like it. And we don't we don't talk about that, we don't talk about that how um how many people will project on you, how many people will be uncomfortable with that, like how much even other women will not like it. They will not like that, and we do not talk about that internalized misogyny. That this isn't just something that um you know we have a problem with with men. No, other women expect you to be a certain role, to to play a certain role, to be, you know, a certain level of accommodating, otherwise you're a bitch. And we don't talk about how women who actually do speak out, who do actually do things, are penalized. Their their moral character comes into question, their their you know, their goodness comes into question, people get more suspicious, um, their credibility comes into question. They um like people look to find flaws, and what you look for, you will find. Um, we hold women to an impossible standard, which of course she is going to fall from. You're going to see because every single person will have like a shadowy side, and like I say shadowy in like loosely in brackets, but like you're going to basically like they will look for evidence that she is not a good person. As soon as she stops playing that that role, so we condition women, you know, to abandon themselves, we reward women who abandon themselves, right? Um, we also harm women that abandon themselves, right? We exploit those women, right? But it's like, but then we'll we'll say to her, so don't do that anymore. Don't do that anymore, right? But but then all of a sudden, we don't like that woman. We don't like that woman. And that part, I don't think

Rewarded Then Punished For Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 6:00

we talk about enough. We don't talk about the grief that comes up when your relationships start falling down, when all of a sudden people who liked you um all of a sudden don't. When people who used to support you now don't, when people who used to be happy to be associated with you now don't want to be, we don't talk about how hard that is, how much grit it takes. And here's the thing: the only way for things to change is for women to walk that path. But we don't support women that do walk that path. We don't like it. And I think until we get honest with ourselves and we look at the women who are calling stuff out and are ruffling feathers, and we see how people will project on that person. And something that I spoke about before I relaunched this series was um how did I talk about actually I might have, it might have been in my, I know I talked about in my program Scorpio slot. So maybe I didn't, but often what I see is other women will basically project on a woman and they will say, Oh, something's off with her, like my intuition doesn't lie, right? And here's where this gets really, really difficult, right? Because there are literal women out there that you cannot trust who will hurt you, who will screw you over. So I don't want to say that um that that you're wrong, because you might not be. But what I have seen time and time and time again is women saying something's off with her, I I don't like her, she's not very nice, this, that, and the other, right? And these like these impossible standards, these these ways that she literally can't win. And they literally cannot see their own internalized misogyny. It's not their intuition that like it that's saying something's off. It's that their alarm bells are ringing because this is unfamiliar, because she is not following by the rule book, and they have learned to feel threatened by that. They have learned to feel uncomfortable with that. They have learned to see that as something is off rather than she's breaking out of the status quo. I have seen this time and time again, and I've experienced it personally time and time and time and time and time and time and time again. And I kept believing that I was the problem. I kept doing the work on myself. I kept thinking, well, if this gives a pattern in my life, there must be something wrong with me. Because nobody ever came to me and said, hey Kirsty, you call stuff out, you go against the status quo. Like, have you ever thought that you could be on the back end of a lot of people's misogyny? Because they're not going to say that to you. Because then nothing has to change, and people don't have to look at themselves. And women do this to other women all the time. All the time. She's the problem. I don't like her. How dare she say that? How dare she have that opinion? How dare she go against the grain? That makes me uncomfortable. Okay, my intuition doesn't lie, there's something off. And so often, it is not fucking intuition. It is not fucking intuition, it is instinctual programming that they have learned to survive. Women turn on women all the frigging time. I've seen it time and time again in my own life, and I've seen it with other women. And until we talk about that, nothing will change. I want this podcast to be a space where women truly can alchemize the areas of their lives that, you know, like just it doesn't feel good, right? Some things, you know, like not right. I want this to be a place where women truly, truly, truly like stop abandoning themselves, where they truly have the relationships and stuff they want. I don't want that to just be a pipe dream. But here's what I know for so many women, it will be a pipe dream. Because until we have this conversation and we are willing to sit with the ugly truth that we have a real problem with misogyny in both men, women, and how people who identify outside of the, you know, the gender binaries. We have a real problem with it. We do not like it. We will say again and again and again as a way to blame women: do not abandon yourself. Like, don't be a martyr. Like, don't sacrifice yourself. We will say again and again and again, but we do not talk about the reality of how that actually looks. That people will dislike you, that people will throw shade at you, people will project, people will call you a bitch, they will um tell you that you're not very nice, they will call you horrible, they will call you egotistical, they will call you narcissistic. How do I know this? Because I've walked it many times. And I know, I know I give a shit. I know that I care so much. Like, I'm getting teary talking about this because I literally give so many dams. And I'm feeling a lot of grief at the moment because I have tried so fucking hard with

The Grief Of Raising Standards

SPEAKER_01 12:00

other people and other women and in parenting and in all these things. And time and time again, I have been plasted as the villain, and when I snap and when I react, and when I have enough, they go, see, there's evidence, and I'm sick of it. I'm fucking sick of it. I am sick of being torn down. Like, I'm sick of it. Like, I'll tell you that I don't give a shit. And there's a this is like, oh gosh, it's so fucking true. There are so many things that I don't give a shit about. You can say this, that, and the other army. I don't give a shit. I genuinely don't give a shit. That's not why I'm getting upset. That's not why I'm getting worked up. But I tell you what I am tired of. I am tired of trying really fucking hard and being projected on and being called this, that, and the other by people that I've actually really cared about, who I actually really do care about, the moment I stop playing by the rules. I am so sick of the narrative of blaming women and saying don't abandon yourself. Live true to you, live authentically to you. And then the vinilizing that we do to women who do that. I'm so sick of how horrible we are to other women, I'm so sick of how disgustingly horrible we are to mothers. How we expect mothers to completely abandon themselves, to completely sacrifice themselves. If they ever talk about the the the struggles that somehow they're a bad mum. When when they snap, when they've had enough, when they can't do it anymore, we blame them, we blame their parenting. I've I'm I'm sick of it. I'm so sick of being told some version of you're the problem. I'm so sick of women being held to an impossible standard. Because the truth is there's so many things I don't care about. Like there's so many things you can say about me, and I just don't give a shit. But people mistake that far me not caring. But I do care. I care so fucking much. I care so much about how we treat each other. I care so much about other women. And and the irony is like I say other women, but I want to see us all thrive. I want to see men thrive. But I know that cannot happen unless things unless things change, unless we call things out. And I'm so sick of calling things out and having this narrative put on me that like I'm this, that, and the other. And I don't care about so many things that people will call me. Like genuinely don't give a shit. But I think what a lot of people don't realise that's came from so much grief, that's came from so much pain, that's came from building so much fucking resilience because I have got so used off people assuming things about me, projecting things about me, saying things about me that are just not true, and then saying, I know it's true, my intuition doesn't lie. People who do not know me, or people who have known me, didn't know me, but they decided that when I no longer agreed with them, when I no longer said what they wanted to hear. Then all of a sudden, when I quote unquote stopped abandoning myself, when I stopped playing by the rules, all of a sudden I was not a nice person, I was not a nice woman, I was a bitch, I was a narcissist, I was egotistical. I was a horrible person. And that's why, like I've I've said on, I can't remember what episode I said, but I spoke about maybe I spoke about on a few episodes, like things will change when women tap into that more. When they're willing to be more horrible, more terrible, more bitch, more whatever. Because women are so conditioned, don't be that.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

Don't stick up for yourself. Be good.

SPEAKER_01 17:24

That we don't even know what it looks like for a woman to actually be horrible. Because it doesn't take a lot for a woman to be called horrible. It doesn't. It doesn't take a lot for a woman to be called bitch. It doesn't take a lot for a woman to be saw as a bad mum.

SPEAKER_00 17:44

Or a a bad friend.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

And what I'm about to say, I I cringe at saying, but I feel like I have to say it right. I'm also one of the lucky ones, right? Because and and the reason I cringe at saying that is because that will be weaponized against me and also treated as if like that was just a coincidence, like that was just an accident, right? But I'm one of the the lucky ones in terms of like I have a husband who's really supportive, who really loves on me, that when people are shitting on me, he sees the good in me. And I get emotional saying that because I'm very aware that that is a very privileged, privileged position, but I don't want it to be a privileged position. I I want it to be something every woman has. And it's the reality is a lot of women don't, but I also know that I have that, and it wasn't a coincidence. It wasn't just luck. Whilst I appreciate that I am lucky, it wasn't just fucking luck, right? And I also know there's women out there who can do all the right things and not end up in that position, right? That's where I sit. Like I can see my privilege, I can see that that I'm lucky, bright, but it's like it's not one or the other. Any woman that has that, I'm telling you, it is not a fucking coincidence, but we don't like it. We say we want women to be tread like queens, we want women to be treated well and like all of these things, but we don't like it. We don't like the woman that talks about what that actually takes, what that will require of you, the path, like you're gonna have to become a rule breaker. And when you do that, and when you start breaking the rules, people are gonna project and they're gonna say fucking shit about you. And you're gonna have to build some really fuck skin. And I hate that I have to say that to you, right? And you will get to the point where things will just become water off a duck's back and you won't care. But there'll also be days where it'll break your fucking heart, it will break your heart, and that thick skin you develop will be developed because of the resilience that you had to get because you were projected on so much.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

Because I created a narrative about you that you couldn't disprove because they were convinced that it was the truth, because their intuition does not lie, and you

Internalised Misogyny Disguised As Intuition

SPEAKER_00 21:00

cannot disprove them. They will find evidence because what we look for we'll always find, and we look to find it in women.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

We do we look to find it in women. I wanted to do this episode and you know, like I'm I'm recording this and I'm feeling really emotional. And I I'm like, oh gosh, do I even put this one up? But I am gonna put this up, right? I am gonna put this episode up because I think it's a really important episode to put up. And I know when I do, people will again project and they'll create their stories and they'll create their narratives. And they'll be like, is Kirsty okay?

SPEAKER_00 22:04

And the truth is it's both.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

I'm not fucking okay, and I'm also so okay. I'm so okay. In fact, I'm better than okay. Because I feel like I've finally fucking broken through something, and I feel so fucking happy that after years and years and years of thinking that I was the problem, I've finally woken up and realized I'm not the fucking problem. I'm not. And I feel so fucking good.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

And people, and I'm gonna keep doing what I'm gonna do, and people are gonna keep making out that I am the problem.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

And I like I get the assignment now. Like I I get it. I get that I can't avoid that.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

And I I choose it anyway. I choose it anyway. So I'm so fucking okay. I've probably actually never been more okay. But I'm also not okay in terms of there is so much grief in that. I'm so sad about that.

SPEAKER_01 23:59

I am really sad for you know, like myself, which I'm not supposed to say, that's like seen as very indulgent. But I am because it's a compassion for that. I'm I'm sad for little Kirsty that kept trying and didn't know that it would never be enough for some people. That as soon as I stopped abandoning myself, that um that this was inevitable. I'm sad that I had to like that my innocence has been ripped out of me. That I now get I now get that there's people who are just gonna hate on me, and there's nothing I can do about that, and a lot will say these things, now everyone's gonna like you and all of that, but I get that some people are really, really, really not going to. Just just for me existing, just for me advocating for myself, just for me being true to myself, being authentic to myself. We fucking go on about that all the time. Don't abandon yourself, be true to yourself, be authentic to yourself, don't share the highlight reel, right? The reality is when so many women do it, we don't like it. Society does not like it. And I'm gonna walk it anywhere, and I'm gonna be misunderstood. And I still find that hard in all honesty. Because I'm not a fucking robot, because I'm fucking human.

SPEAKER_00 26:07

And there are people that have literally wanted to hurt me and they were successful. They wanted to hit the target and they wanted to get to me. And they did.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

And I used to be ashamed of that. I'm not ashamed of that anymore. I'm just in grief.

SPEAKER_00 26:45

I'm not ashamed of that anymore.

SPEAKER_01 26:49

I like I hope they feel good about it. I hope them wanting to hurt me and be successful.

SPEAKER_00 27:01

I hope they feel good about it. Because you know what? I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for people. I pity people who actually want to hurt people. Because I know for all I'm a feisty motherfucker.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

And I if somebody hurts me, like, I'm like motherfucker. Like, I I I am I've talked about this before, but I am somebody that I I am a I I I enjoy like getting my own back. And that is one of the ways I'll be projected on. And people will be like, oh see, she's not nice because um she's just not all like love and light and all like forgiving and all of that.

SPEAKER_00 27:55

But here's something I know about myself. I don't want to destroy anybody. I I don't.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

I don't. I don't want to see anybody hurt, I don't want to see anybody suffer. Although, like, you know, I might joke about it and it might be tempting to kind of go, you know what? We should burn them at the stake, see how they like, you know, whatever, right? Deep down, that's not who I am. I want to see everybody thrive. I want to see everybody do well. I give so many fucking shits.

SPEAKER_00 28:39

And I'm I'm proud of that.

SPEAKER_01 28:47

In a world where so many people are out for themselves, who as soon as you don't go alone with what they like who will get nasty, who will try to hurt you.

SPEAKER_00 29:11

Not because you deserve it, but because you stop playing the game.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

Because you decided to to break the rules. This the the status quo, this this whole thing of what this podcast is about. I have remained loving, I've remained kind, I have remained generous, I've remained empathetic, and all of those things that we tell women to be, I am all of those bloody things and more. But I'm also not a fucking pushover. I am a fucking bad bitch, and I will call stuff out, and because I do that, and because I don't tolerate stuff, and because I don't abandon myself, I will be given a title and called all of these things, all of these things, and it's like it doesn't stop me. It doesn't stop me. I I'm I'm still loving, I'm still compassionate, I'm still all these things.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

So I win. I win.

SPEAKER_01 30:43

And do you know how like do you know how fucking good that that feels? I keep thinking of, you know, like the handmaiden's tale when she's like, don't let the bastards grind you down. I'm like that. Like, I'm still gonna live my best fucking life. You can call me names, you can hurt me, you can target me and be successful because I don't play your game. And I am still, still gonna get back up again and again and again because it's who I fucking am. And that terrifies them. That is why I'm fucking dangerous, and that is why they will call me dangerous.

SPEAKER_00 31:43

Because I am. Because I am. Because I break all those fucking rules.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

And I get myself in joy, and I get myself in pleasure,

Rage, Resilience, And Being Labelled

SPEAKER_01 32:00

and I I can hold both, I can hold the rage and the grief and the anger, and I don't know what to do with a woman like that. And I realized, and I'm and and I don't know when it's gonna be ready, but like I'm I'm gonna do something with this, and it's gonna have to be a paid-for thing. Because I got bills to pay, man. I got bills to pay. But I realized that. Oh my gosh, if you're gonna walk that path, you're gonna walk the path of being a rule breaker, people are just not gonna like it. They they don't like to see a woman happy. They don't, that's the reality. They don't like to see a woman in pleasure. But you know what? That's not all women, and that's not all people, but it's a lot of people, right? There are women out there who are also rule breakers, who are also gonna walk this path, who are also going to do it. They're gonna call out purity culture, they're gonna call out the the love and light crap, they're going to be decentering men, right? Not because they don't care, you know, and want to see men thrive, but because they know it's the it's the only way because this whole patriarchal thing like isn't working for us. And everybody loses, men lose. I'm wondering how to end this because I feel like there's so much more to say, and there needs to be a part two on this, but I don't I feel like I should wrap this up soon and like do I do a part two to this because I feel like a lot of this is probably not making much sense, it's probably quite vague. People are probably you might be listening to thinking listening to this thinking, oh my gosh, what's happened this week, Kirsty? And actually, it's it's not anything that it's not one thing, it's um an accumulation of the last six years and getting back up and getting back up and getting back up, and then the last few months I'm I'm finally coming out of it, and now that I'm coming out of it, like I'm feeling all the grief. What you're getting here is is is my grief, and that like I I there's not much more that I can say. Bar I guess I've snapped, but in a good way. We often see when a woman snaps as like this bad thing, but I see it as the awakening that I'm fucking done. I'm done. And here's what I'm done with people who won't look at their own fucking misogyny.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

I'm so done with that.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

I am just so fucking done with anyone who won't look at that. That doesn't mean I won't give people grace and all of those things. Because I know it's so it's so in the fabric of society, there is such an innocent and so many people, but I cannot I cannot, and I will not, I will not keep just ignoring it.

SPEAKER_00 36:17

I won't. And what I'm now doing is when I I see that in anybody, I'm like, I'm pulling back.

SPEAKER_01 36:31

And I think that was what I had to learn. I thought I could like I I was naive, I thought I could help people to to see their own stuff that if I just communicated well enough, if I just explained it well enough, if I was just soft enough in my communication or whatever, people people would see it, they would understand things from from my point of view, from from my perspective, but I've just realized some people won't. Because they just they're not interested in looking at themselves. They're not interested in looking at their own misogyny, they're not they're not interested in that. And the irony is that when you then start speaking out and then you get like you call it out and then you like react or you get defensive, they'll make you the problem.

SPEAKER_00 37:31

When when you stick up for yourself and that is what's happened. And I'm just in such grief about that.

SPEAKER_01 37:50

There's not nothing's happened this week that's like you know pushed me over, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 38:10

It I've just realized and I'm in just deep, deep, deep grief that I can't win, and that is devastating. That is why I'm teary.

SPEAKER_01 38:39

Because I can't win, and also this is why we we've got to haul both. I've already won because I see it now, I see what I'm dealing with. So, what I mean when I say I can't win is I have two choices, right? And this is the the choice that every woman, you know, has to make, right? You either keep abandoning yourself, right? And that won't work out for you, by the way. It won't. But there will be more um, there will be some social rewards for that. You will be more likable. People won't question you as much, they won't project on you as much, right? Because you're following the status quo, right? You'll never be fully met, you'll never be fully supported, like none of those things, right? But there is some social benefits. There are social benefits for for women who who are deeply misogynistic and follow the patriarchal system. I mean, in the long run, it'll fucking kick your ass. But you know, like you pay by the rules, there are there are some benefits to that, right? The other option is you stop doing that, right? And you will be projected on, and you will be disliked, and you will be villainized. And all of these things.

SPEAKER_00 40:23

And it will break your fucking heart at times It will. I also think the other way it does as well.

SPEAKER_01 40:46

But I I believed naively that I could I think on some level I thought I'd be somehow the exception. Um I mean I I guess I knew I wouldn't, but I I didn't realise there'd be this much heartache.

SPEAKER_00 41:15

But there is.

SPEAKER_01 41:20

And I realized recently that so many people have just this and

Becoming A Rule Breaker

SPEAKER_01 41:30

and you know this is I guess my fault as well. I think people just think that I just well it depends how well you know me, but a lot of people just think I just don't I just don't care. And I always think that's really funny how people can think that, but then I also get it because of some of the content stuff I've put out there. Because people can't hold both, they can't hold that a woman can learn to not give a shit about certain things.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

And also, of course she fucking cares. Everybody cares about something, and that's where I'm at.

SPEAKER_01 42:29

So I'm gonna keep working, and I'm gonna keep doing this. For the other women who are following this path, you're gonna you're a rule breaker. You know that the road is not gonna be easy, but you refuse to abandon yourself. You refuse to keep sacrificing yourself, you you're through you refuse to give up on the things that you want to do and the things that you care about. You refuse to do that. And you choose to despite all the all the stuff, right? Because every human does like no human avoids the human experience, right? So despite all the hard things and all the challenges, right, you're gonna actively choose to create joy and pleasure and all of these things. When the world tells you that makes you bad, that makes you selfish. You're gonna choose it because what else are you gonna do? You're gonna just be fucking miserable.

SPEAKER_00 43:46

Like, I opt out of that. I I refuse that path this weekend.

SPEAKER_01 43:56

Um, I said I was gonna wrap this up, there's more coming through, so I'm gonna go with it. Right. I think I said I was gonna wrap this up like 13 minutes ago or something and then carried on this weekend. Um I just had like there's just so many moments of just just just beauty and contentment and um overflow and just just beautiful beautiful experiences and and it's not a fucking coincidence It's it's not a it's not a coincidence and I'm gonna have more of that in my life and none of it's gonna be a fucking coincidence But when I create that people are gonna call me lucky Um You know and and and I do I do have privilege in all of these things But it's also because I am a rule breaker and I chose that path and it was hard and it was devastating and heartbreaking at times and I lost so fucking much like so many things I lost you know like friendships and you know a narrative that people had of me that all of a sudden was now a different narrative and I wasn't the person they thought I was because now I wouldn't abandon myself, right? And we don't talk about that. We And I just, you know, this podcast called Truth and Transformation, and I wasn't expecting to talk about this today. I'll go so deep, but I'm like, maybe that's what some fucking woman needs to hear of of the truth, of the reality of just how fucking hard this has been, because I don't think people realise how fucking hard it's been. So often I've had, well it's easy for you, Kirsty. No, it's fucking not. It's fucking not. It's fucking brutal at times. Do you know how unsupported I've been at times? Do you know how lonely I've been? Do you know how many times I've cried myself to sleep?

SPEAKER_00 46:38

You fucking don't. And I was gonna say that's my fault.

SPEAKER_01 46:47

But it's actually not. Because I often haven't shared those parts because where because it's not always safe for me to share those parts, because when I do, I'm called feeling sorry for myself, attention seeking, playing the victim, being dramatic, um not having my shit together, um being emotional, um like it's it's seen as less credible like all of these things But I realized that um I guess I just realized that I needed to to say that today. I needed to share the reality of what this has looked like, and I don't know, maybe I'll get Tony on the podcast. Um if you'd like that, text the shore, go to the description and um text the short or voice not the short or message me on social media, but maybe I'll get Tony on at some point because I think he's the only one that's really like saw on a real deep level of of what I've had to walk through, and um I know I I know so many women won't have that, but but I'm just hoping that they at least have one friend, or maybe a parent, or a mentor, like somebody who has has got their back because just having that one person can make such a difference. I guess I want to say if you're listening to this,

Two Choices And Their Consequences

SPEAKER_01 49:00

be that for another woman if you can when you see another woman um being targeted, being all these things, right? I'm not saying ignore like shadowy behavior, right? I'm saying check yourself. Because I think that's the only way that this is gonna change.

SPEAKER_00 49:28

I think those of us that are going to walk this path need to stick together.

SPEAKER_01 49:36

As I say, I'm gonna create something from this that's gonna be like a paid-for thing. I'm gonna create like a one-to-one mentorship package called, it's gonna be called Rule Breaker. Because knowing what this has been like for me, I feel very um, very qualified to walk another woman through it so that it's not just me, so that she can have the life and the relationships and the things that she wants because I know it's gonna be a fucking hard path for her. And for the women who can't do that and who can't afford it and are not in that position, I'm gonna keep coming back and I'm gonna keep doing this podcast because I want it to be accessible for as many women as possible. And what I hope to do is inspire you if you're listening to this, is to look at your own internalized misogyny. And if you've already done that work, I might be preaching to the choir. The next out is we we have to protect ourselves from from from the people, unfortunately, who are not gonna look at their stuff. And you've you've gotta stop thinking you're the problem. Because society will tell you you're the problem without ever mentioning misogyny. And and that we have to open our eyes up to that. So as I say, I feel like there needs to be a part two to this. So the next episode I think I'm gonna talk about, and I've been putting this off. I've been saying I'm gonna do this episode for ages, and I've been putting it off. And the reason that I've been putting it off is because it's such a loaded topic, and it's so important that I've I've just not wanted to get it wrong. I've wanted to learn more and get it right, but I've realized that's just that's just in that's just impossible, and that is more patriarchal conditioning, that you can't speak out about anything until until you know all the things, and and that like is one of the ways that women are held back. So the next episode is gonna be something around like um motherhood, right? Even if you're not a mother, I'd really hope you'll listen to this next episode, right? Because this is so intertwined. Um basically, generational trauma will continue until we look at how we treat mothers and also how we treat women who choose not to be mothers, right? We need to have that conversation, right? Like it's a conversation that matters so much. We need to have a conversation around mental labour, um, emotional labour, the domestic labour that's put on women. Because the narrative that I'm seeing at the moment is everything that I've been speaking about, like we tell women, well, just don't do it, just don't abandon yourself, just don't be the default for the emotional mental labour, is if it just works like that. Women are literally trained to do that, and then when they do, they're blamed for it, they're blamed for will she just sacrifice herself, and this is particularly put on mothers. So until we have that conversation, nothing will change, and women who opt out, there's also a stigma there because society benefits um from women who um choose to to get married and to to have kids, right? Um, but then they'll leave them high and dry. They'll

Support Other Women And What Comes Next

SPEAKER_01 53:40

leave them high and dry. And then women are trained to just judge each other, they're trained to judge the the mother that is like is struggling, they're trained to judge the woman who's decided to not be a mother. Nothing will change until we have a deep dive on that conversation. So as I said, I've been putting it off. Um, but I need to. I just wanted to do it justice. I really just wanted to do it justice because it's a topic that matters so much to me. Because I really don't think anything will change until we have that conversation. But I'm just gonna let the perfectionism go, and the next episode is going to be on that. So tune in for that episode, and if you have found this at all helpful, useful, do share it. Um leave the podcast a review, it really helps. Connect with me on social media, you know, like anything that you can do to get this out there, because um I think that's what's needed. I think these real raw, truthful conversations around what we do to women who actually do break the rules. Cause it's it's it's I always say this, I'm not here to glamorise it, it's not for the faint-hearted. You got the choice of playing by the status quoter and you you will lose. Or you've got the choice of um being a rule breaker and in none of those I I'd love to say that there's all these other options there isn't. You can play somewhere in the middle, but nothing's gonna change there. Obviously, this is a spectrum, but it is that saying that well-behaved women never make history. If we want things to change, if we truly want things to change, if we truly want to see everybody thrive, we have to walk the path of being a rule breaker, but we need to not lie to women and pretend that there aren't consequences. There are. And we have to realize we have to choose our heart, and there's no avoiding those consequences, and we have to choose to like talk about it and support each other. Because you're gonna get your ass kicked at times. You're gonna get your ass kicked at times. And

Closing And How To Share

SPEAKER_01 56:42

I I wanna like get you, you know, sugarcoated for you. Because I'm I'm s I'm I'm I'm scared of putting people off. But that is not helpful. I can't sugarcoat it for you. It it's it's not for the faint-hearted. Right. I'm gonna stop stop waffling on now, and um I will be back, as I say, with that um follow on episode next Monday. I hope you join me then, and I hope in the meantime you have the most wonderful day or evening or weekend, whenever you're listening to this, and I will speak to you then.