Pleasure As Rebellion & Receiving Is The Real Power

Pleasure gets framed as a reward you earn after you’ve 'fixed' everything and everyone. I’m calling time on that. When women are conditioned to overfunction, carry the emotional labour, and stay permanently available, burnout is not a personal failing, it’s the expected outcome. So let’s talk about joy, fun and pleasure as a daily practice, and as a quiet refusal to participate in the dynamics that keep us small. 

I share why guilt, especially mum guilt, so often serves patriarchy and not your family, and what happens when you stop “standing to attention” every time someone is disappointed or upset. We dig into the messy middle of change: being judged as selfish, learning boundaries that protect your nervous system, and why trying to control how you’re perceived can turn your whole life into a performance. I also tell a real story from my own week, where my inner critic screamed “self sabotage”, and how I used a candle, journalling and kindness to reset and find the next right step. 

We then zoom out into relationships, community and intimacy: how to build a real village through reciprocity, why friendships matter, and what receptivity actually looks like when you let yourself receive without keeping score. This includes sex and pleasure, but the bigger point is life force: coming home to your body, trusting your intuition, and remembering you can hold anger and still laugh, you can want more and still seize the day. 

If this lands, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more women can find the work.

More from me or to work with me go to KirstyDee.com

Transcript

Welcome To Truth And Transformation

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This is the podcast for the women ready to break some rules. For the women who are fed up of pouring into everyone else and not getting what they want. This is where you discover what is true for you and you transform and alchemize the areas of your life that is not doing it for you. Welcome to Truth and Transformation. I'm your host, Kirsty D. Let's go.

Joy And Pleasure As A Practice

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Hello, hello, hello, low ladies. Today we're going to talk about you cultivate more joy, more fun, more pleasure into your life. This is so so so important because a woman who is connected to herself in her pleasure, cultivating joy, having fun, seizing the moment, being more present, of course, that is not only good for herself, that is not only good for her relationships, but collectively, because that happy goddess is going to do amazing, amazing things. And we need more of that. We need more of that energy. And what we have is a system that is set up for women to be burnt out for us all to lose, regardless of gender, but particularly for women to be burnt out, to be overfunctioning, to be anxious, to be stressed, to be overwhelmed. And then when she is, and then you know she wants more and she's annoyed and she's resentful, then we'll call her a martyr. Society loves to do that, to set her up to be a martyr and then complain when she is. So we're gonna turn the tables on that. So this is the conversation that we need to have. So many women feel bad about doing what's good for them, about setting boundaries, about pouring into them, particularly mothers. Like mom guilt is something that says serves patriarchy, it does not serve you, it does not serve your children, it does not. Um you feeling bad all the time, and you feeling that you're responsible, you know, for doing all the emotional labor and keeping everybody happy and you know, anticipating everybody's needs and checking everybody's like moods and all of these things. I'm gonna do an episode on emotional labor at um some point because it's not an it's as easy as that, it's a lot more kind of complex than that. I did talk about it, I think, on the overwhelm, feeling too much, feeling not enough episode. I've definitely talked about it somewhere. Um, that episode's coming. I think it's a little while away because I've got other things. I'm basically stacking these so that's like in the order that is going to make the most like it's gonna create the most shifts for

Why Women Are Conditioned To Burn Out

SPEAKER_00 2:38

people. Okay, so there is there is a system. I do have a plan. Um, but I am gonna be talking about emotional labour and mental labor and invisible labor at some point. As I said, talked about it consistently a little bit on these episodes, but like it deserves its whole episode in itself, right? But we have a setup currently where women are conditioned to believe that their worth is on pouring into everybody else, ignoring their own needs, ignoring their own desires, and somehow if they don't, they're like they're failing everyone and they're not good enough on their too much and they're letting their kids down, and like you know, like the kids are gonna end up um with like more trauma and like all of these things, and or not even just that, like all your relationships will blow up, everything will fall apart, like etc etc, etc. And as I say, this is a nuance, a nuanced topic. These things aren't just as you know as simple as that. There are, you know, whenever you're creating a shift, whenever you're changing like dynamics for how something's always been, there's always going to be this um uncomfortable, messy alchemy kind of period, okay? And and and and like if we want things to change, like if we want um a you know, like a world and a system where we can all thrive, we have to have to have to, as a woman, start pouring into ourselves. We have to start cultivating more joy, more fun, more laughter, more pleasure, being more connected to our pussies. And I don't, I'm not talking about sex here. I'm not talking about sex here. Although, you know, that can that can be part of it if that feels in alignment for you. That's something you care about, right? But I mean as in like rooted down, connected to self. What is pleasure for you? What is joy for you, like being connected to your life force, to your intuition. That is what I'm talking about. And as I say, so often I see women feeling bad for this, feeling um guilty around this. I particularly see this with with mothers, but just all women in general, that you know, somehow your worth is caretaking and giving to everybody else and abandoning yourself. And this is the podcast where we stop abandoning ourselves, where we really start pouring into ourselves. And this is something that oh my gosh, I've had to do so much, so much work on this because I have that patriarchal conditioning that somehow when I'm pouring into myself that like I'm bad and I'm letting somebody down and I'm being selfish, like that still comes up for me. Like I always have to deconstruct that. Like that has been forever work that like I'm I'm it still comes up for me. I'm I'm still I'm still doing that work, and it's like really getting getting my head around and like really deeply embodying this, and it's just like been work that I've had to like keep keep coming back to of like pouring into myself is a good thing, is a good thing, and like we're so conditioned the the opposite, and like it's it's just not good for us, but it's not good for anyone, and it shows the conditioning there that we have to literally almost convince ourselves it's okay. Now, some people maybe don't have that, maybe you've already deconstructed this, but like I know so many people like struggle with this. It's like okay, I'm pouring into myself, okay, well, but my child wants me, or my husband wants me, or my friend wants me, or like all of all of these things. And as women, we're so conditioned that you know, like to pour into everybody else, and that's what a good woman would do. Like, she would just focus on her relationships, right? And relationships are so important, like I'm I'm not saying like don't pour into people, it's abundance to pour into people, right? But it's it depends where it's coming from, like so often it's coming from you know, being the default of emotional labor, like so often it's coming from conditioning, like I'm bad if if I don't do this, like I'm not a good, I'm not a good person, like I am selfish, you know. And what patriarchy does is it loves to call women who take care of themselves selfish, but also the genius of this is we start policing ourselves, we start doing it to ourselves, we start thinking, oh my gosh, like my kids are upset. Or and I'm not saying like you know, ignore people that you love when when they're upset and stuff, but it's like it almost kind of sets this kind of emergency alarm, like where you're trained to kind of you know, you know, stand um, you know, what's the word I'm looking for? Basically, you know, like if you're um in the army and you're like you basically you you stood up and I like you know to to do to do the thing. Like, oh god, what what am I? I hope you know what I'm trying to say, but basically stand to call like you know, like this is a job for me type thing. Like that's my cue. And it creates this like nervous system where other people are unhappy, um that like we're like as I said, this is this is a job for me, like I'm this is what I'm and like this feeling of guilt, and it's not um like it's not serving anybody. And one of the best things that we can do to um deconstruct patriarchy is to not constantly um be trying to fix everything and fight everything and fight every every battle and every problem and all of that. And that doesn't mean that um we don't, you know, fight for for certain things and and you know, shop for certain things, but it's like one of the best things we can do is just not participate, not participate in dynamics that are problematic, like refuse to participate in it, and instead be like, actually, I'm not gonna just constantly believe that I'm bad, that I'm selfish, and like feel guilty. Like I actually need to um turn myself and my nervous system that it is okay if all the people are unhappy, it is okay if um there's things like falling down. It doesn't mean that I don't care, it means that I've like I need to be taking care of myself, I need to to be well. Like one of the best ways to to, as I say, like you know, break something down is to, as I say, like refuse to participate in that, right?

Refusing Guilt And Being Called Selfish

SPEAKER_00 10:00

And here's what's gonna happen when you do that there are gonna be people that think you're selfish, they're gonna be people that think you're you're bad, they're gonna think that you're not a nice person. There are gonna be people who um, as I say, decide you're not a good person now. Like they're gonna make these like moral judgments. This is one of the ways that this system is upheld. Like, I'm I'm gonna basically decide you're a monster and you're not a good person if you aren't abandoning yourself for everybody else. And we are so wired for survival to care what everybody thinks, to get what everybody thinks, and to try to control how we are perceived, and that is for women to be seen as loving, definitely not selfish, to be seen as nurturing, to be seen as kind, and like and I'm not saying these aren't good attributes, right? I think kindness matters, compassion matters, um, you know, looking out for each other, nurturing each other. Like I think that matters. A world without that would be a very ugly world that none of us would survive in, right? But it's like you can't do that to the point where you don't allow yourself any joy, don't allow yourself any pleasure, don't allow yourself any fun. Like it's not one or the other. Your whole identity can't be around caretaking. Like it just, it just can't. And let that unless that is generally like what's like generally good for you, what generally lights you up, um, you know, and also like if it is, again, this doesn't apply for everyone, but there might be some codependency stuff. Again, we can throw that word around like too too easy. So that might not be for everybody, but some people, if you get your whole sense of self of pouring into everybody else, right? And you're not connected to yourself and you're not connected to your own needs, like that is not good. Like that is not like that is not of service. Because if you again, like, it's like one of the things that I really really believe is like we can't get you know, um, sick enough, poor enough, depressed enough to serve anybody else. Like, like you can't, you can't, right? You have to like like you matter, and it's like it the fact that like we even need to have this conversation, right? The fact that like it's almost like we have to even justify taking care of ourselves, right? That's very patriarchal, right? But I know so many women that um when people around them are struggling, when the collective is struggling, and here's the thing, the collective is always going to be struggling if we don't change this conditioning, right? That I can't take care of me, right? And society will preach this, society will echo this, society will judge you as, as I say, all the things that I've said, that you're a monster, that you don't care, that you're selfish, that you're narcissistic, that you're in your ego, especially if you embrace your quote unquote darkness and you're not just in your love and light um era, which is is fawning, let's be honest. It's it's it's fawning, right? It's it's it's it's keeping patriarchy up when we do that, right? Because you are going to um be pissed off at times, you are going to be angry at times, you are like going to sometimes maybe want revenge, might not be revenge for you. Like, I am definitely that way inclined. Doesn't mean like I will necessarily act on it, but I talked about that already in the patriarchy in like spirituality. Um, like I definitely, definitely have that, right? And here's what I know. Um, the reason that there is so much trauma and stuff on the world is because often like those parts of ourselves, those parts of ourselves that don't just want to pour into everyone else, that really feel like resentful and irritated and all of that. Like, we can't we can't talk about it. We can't do the emotional alchemy there because like that label in itself becomes something so shameful. We have a system that um creates like people to be oppressed and people to be struggling um in all different ways, and then when they they say about it and when they complain about it, they're you know called a victim and like like playing the victim, being a martyr, like all of these things. And it's like again, who does that serve? Who does that serve? Um so what I've came to realise is as women, the biggest rebellions that women can do, one of the best things women can do is just seize the day to to have fun, right? And this doesn't mean ignoring all your problems and ignoring things, like it doesn't mean that. It's again not throwing the baby out with the baffled, it's not one or the other. It's not one or the other. It's like being so connected to yourself. It's like, what is joyful for me? What makes me happy? What makes me laugh? What like what makes me feel good? Um, like what gets me excited? Again, that life force energy, like connected to yourself, connected to your pussy, connected to your body. As women, we're taught to be constantly problem solvers, to constantly be in our head. And if you're like me, you have a very busy mind, you have all the thoughts, you you know, like I don't know any person who doesn't have an inner critic who doesn't at times like feel um anxious and like all of these things. Like, I'll give you

Interrupting The Inner Critic With Care

SPEAKER_00 16:04

an example. I woke up yesterday morning, right? I was feeling really overwhelmed. I was feeling like really anxious, like my fear was bellowing, my inner critic was like, you know, yabbering on. And um, I did something that to the outside world would be like, oh, self-sabotage. But it was the opposite of that, right? And basically, I'd planned to do this podcast that I'm recording for you today. I planned to do this one yesterday, I planned to record it yesterday, and I I'd had like some things that I'd like planned to do, and I was like, I'm not doing them. I'm gonna move them to tomorrow, right? And that is a very privileged position. Not everybody is is in a situation to do that, right? I I've s I have worked really hard to kind of set that up, and also I want to acknowledge that lots of people work really, really hard, and due to the systems and due to how things are set up, like they haven't managed to achieve that and they've worked really hard. Sometimes they might even work even harder than me, right? So it's important to acknowledge that, but it's also important to acknowledge that when we ourselves or somebody else has worked really hard when we wanna dismiss it and just call a woman lucky because I for me it's never ever just a coincidence. Any woman who has got that has had to like really, really work at that. And again, that's one of the ways patriarchy works by um telling you that it's not possible for you and you can't create change. So I just wanna I just wanna put that out there, right? But anyway, I was supposed to supposed to, like, I run my own business, so like I I I am in charge, but also if you're on your own business, you know like you have to actually do things, you have to actually sit down and and do do the things, you have to actually make plans and etc, etc. etc. Right. So I'd planned to get a bunch of stuff done yesterday. And I woke up and I was like, my inner critic was going crazy. I felt overwhelmed. I was feeling like a lot of pressure. I was feeling like, right, I've got to get this done, I've got to get that done. And I okay, like this is this is this is the thing. This is the vision. This is this this is what I want, right? This is where I'm pointing my energy to. Like, I'm creating I'm I'm very much in an alchemy portal portal myself at the moment, right? And here's the thing when you want to create change, right? There's areas of your life you're not happy with, right? You're gonna have to uh take some action, you're gonna have to do some things, right? You're gonna have to do some things that are gonna move the needle, right? So I was like, okay, I need to do this and I need to do that, you know. Like I was like, you know, in my head, like all the tabs were going, like the mental load was there, right? And I was like, okay, you know, like because sometimes it is practical things that you've got to do to change your life. Things that, you know, like I'm sure you're listening to this and you get this, and you're like, yeah, yeah, like I've got this commitment and I've got that commitment, right? So that was me yesterday. And I was like, I'm not doing anything on my list. Not doing anything on my list. Not doing anything on my list, right? And again, I just want to say that is a like a privileged position to be in, right? But my inner critic started going and came up, and it was like, you're self-sabotaging. Like you say you want this change, but you're not taking the actions. And and I just interrupted my inner critic, right? And I was like, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. We're not doing that. And then I brought forward what I call like my inner cheerleader, and I just started speaking to myself kindly, and I was like, and then I connected with my body, and I was like, what do you need? And I was like, you need to sit down and do what I call alchemy, right? And I got a candle and I lit a candle and I started journaling, and I have this process that like always really helps me when I'm when I'm feeling like that. When I'm feeling really anxious and I'm feeling a lot of fears and stuff, and I'm not trying to fix the fears or anything like that. You can't fix fear, right? Fear is just a human emotion that we all, like every single one of us, has come up, right? And I was like, and I just instinctively knew I was like, if I want things to actually change and actually shift, yes, I need to do the the practical things, but I also need these like I can't run from um, I can't run off fear. Like I can't do my to-do list from this energy of, and you know, like, and sometimes we have to do that, right? You know, there are times when you just you don't feel like it and you just gotta get shit done, right? And you know, actually that takes the pressure off and you feel better for it, etc. Right. There are times, you know, we we live in a in a patriarchal capitalistic world, right? So there are times for that, right? But I was just like, this isn't one of those times. This isn't one of those times, and if I do it, I'm operating from a place of fear and I'm just ticking boxes, but like the energy is not there, and like this is just gonna keep coming up again and again and again because sometimes, like, you know, things take time and they're not gonna like change overnight. And if we're just spinning our wheels and we're just trying to get there, and we're just trying to push through and we're in our heads and we're not embodied and we're just operating from that fear, that doesn't that isn't good for us, and it's not sustainable, and it helps no one, and again, it just upholds this kind of patriarchal thing, and like we burn out. And I was like, I'm not doing that, I'm not doing that. So I interrupted my inner critic, and I was like, uh uh, we're not doing this, we're not doing this, like, we're not doing this, I'm not self sabotaging, I'm not like this is what I need right now. And here's the thing about self sabotage I feel like that's been a word used to condemn. Women even further that every time they don't do the thing, they're self-sabotaging. Rather than every time you don't do the thing, it's because sometimes you don't have the energy, sometimes you don't have the capacity, it's because your body is overriding you and it's like, hey, I'm scared here or I'm struggling with this. I don't think we're ever purposely trying to self-sabotage ourselves. And I know for me, whenever I don't tick everything off my to-do list, that inner critic will come up and be like, you failed, you've done this, you've done that, like, or you're not doing this, or you're not doing that. And I've really had to work on like, hang on, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. And really actually sometimes like, look at all the things that you have done, but we're so conditioned if we haven't hit certain markers in life, we're so conditioned to like think we're behind, uh, to think we're failing to compare ourselves, right? Who do you think is benefiting from that? And it's not sustainable. That is a patriarchal, capitalistic, internal um mindset. It's an internal conditioning, and it works because um, you know, like we live, you know, in a system where um if we don't do certain things, it really is hard to live and survive and to have a certain kind of quality of life. But it's like it still doesn't help us like operating from that. So it's just like I'm I'm not doing that. I'm not like I am not doing that. And um, as I said, like I lit a um a candle, I got my journal out, and I just started journaling. I just started like sitting with myself and Jospin, like, okay, what is like what is coming through? And as I did that, like, I was like, all these downloads and all these things came through my intuition, came through like my um, so you might call it intuition, you might call it like spirit guides, like whatever, whatever like resonates with you. But it and it's like it it didn't like fix everything, like there's still things that I need to to do and like all of all of that to you know create the the outcome and the alchemy that I want, right? There are areas of my life that I'm currently in the alchemy portal of, like I'm currently up-leveling, right? Um just so that I can have like I just I want to have the best life, right? And there like and here's the thing, and not from this place of like putting it outside of me of of of chasing it, right? No, not that, but but let's let's get real here, right? There are certain things, right, that um do like they make our lives not as good, right? Um, so this could be, you know, like if um a relationship that you're in isn't feeling great, if like a business thing isn't feeling aligned, if financially you're struggling, like whatever it is, these things can significantly impact the quality of our lives. So we can't we can't ignore those things, right? So we have to actually take steps to create change, right? That can feel a lot, that can feel overwhelming, right? But also it's this, it's that thing that we hear all the time, that kind of cliche. If we're just trying to get there and we're just forcing and we're just pushing and we're just trying to like white knuckle our way through, that also doesn't help us, right? And it's again, it's just not sustainable, right? So sometimes we just have to be okay with we're not there. Like we're not there, and it might not feel okay. And that's actually, again, we can, you know, like I was talking about on the soul metabolism episode, like we can use that, we can we can work with that, right? And that's kind of where I'm at in my life right now. Where like I'll be honest, I I I like I want more. Like I want more for my life. Like, I want to be in a much stronger financial position than that that I'm in. Me and my husband are currently like up-leveling areas of our of our marriage. Um, there's like some family stuff that we're working on. I've had some like health stuff, like, and it's all of these things, and it's like happening and it's shifting. And um, I did a spell recently, and like since doing that, like I've I've seen so many things like shift and change, but it still requires me to do things, it still requires action on my part, right? And I could live in this place and this very anxious and fear and juice place and be like, when I get there, when I get there, when I get there. Um, and that would be so easy to do because by not creating um certain certain change, right? There are negative um consequences that are an impact on my life and other people's lives that if I ignore puts me in a very vulnerable position. So I'll I'll give you an example. I'm gonna do an episode on this. Like money, like there's been so many things happened like recently. Um, and like, you know, like lots of people, like I am feeling um, like I'm feeling like the financial hit, right? If I just bury my head on that, right, that like that's not good for me. That's gonna make things worse, right? But like it's like I don't have all the answers right here, right now, today, right? I don't. And if I let myself just, you know, spiral in that, like that's not good for me. And something that I've realized about myself, and I see this literally with everybody, is like when we actually, it sounds very cliche, when we like come home to ourselves and we just um be in the moment, and I said just because it's like the hardest fucking thing ever to just be present, I think, because there's just like there's so many things that we could worry about that our brain will go there, right?

Seizing The Day Without Escaping Life

SPEAKER_00 28:09

But it is that thing like when we can just, and as I said, just I say that loosely because I know it's not as simple as that, but like be in this moment, like come home to ourselves and be and like be like, okay, what's pleasure for me? What's joy for me? What's fun for me? And not from this like escapus place, but just because that matters too. Like we don't always need to be fixing everything, we don't always need to be changing everything. We don't like like it doesn't sometimes we just need to just be. We just need to just be. And sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to just seize the day, to live our lives, to to have fun, especially when our ducks are not all in the roll. Because I don't think anybody's ever got all their ducks in the roll. Like, I just don't think that exists, and I think that's the lie of like, you know, you hear all the time, like people will be like, I get to live once like I've done this and once I've done that, or once I've retired, and once and it just doesn't ever come. It just doesn't ever come, and they're never in the moment and they're never metabolizing, and they're never just feeling like the feels, and because there's always a challenge, there's always a problem, whether in their personal life or collectively. Life is always it's gonna continue to lie forever. And sometimes you just have to give yourself permission to do something that like you want to do and to have fun and you know spend time with your friends, like whatever it is, like every week, pretty much every week. Doesn't happen every week because sometimes, you know, like I might have something coming up, or my friend might have something coming up, right? But like on a Tuesday, pretty much every week, we have what we call like throw on Tuesdays, where it's really just like we do whatever we want, and it's like a kind of goddessy queenie day, right? I do that on a Friday. I generally do what I call fun Fridays. As I said, like I've worked really hard to create that, right? So the outside world, when I'm saying to you, like, I'm not where I want to be, like financially yet, they'll be like, well, that's why, because she's doing this and she's doing that. They'll call it self-sabotaging, they'll call like all of these things, right? And here's what I've learned for myself. Um, whenever I try to just like when I don't do that and I try to just get there and I try to just white knuckle it, right? It doesn't work because it's like I'm it's like I'm tapped out of my own intuition, right? But even if I wasn't right, it's like it's just not sustainable. You know, like I talked about on the soul metabolism episode, right? And we all have like different various like needs of like, you know, and desires, and some of us need more of this and some of us need more of that. And if we judge, like if we can't if we judge ourselves to to somebody else, like we hurt ourselves and we hurt the other person because they generally might need more of something, right? I know for me, and I think this is probably everybody, but it's just like they've never allowed themselves to have that, or like society and stuff. If if I just like try to just work and try and just figure it out, like in one, I end up ill, I end up burnt out, but like I've never seen myself actually create any tangible shifts that way. But when I allow myself to do the things and to just you know seize it in to just have fun, and it it as I say to the outside world, it looks self-sabotaging. My own inner critic will tell me this at times, right? But it's like downloads are like I'll end up knowing the next step. Like the next step, right? Because even if like you do all the practical things and you quote unquote get the results to society, like you quote unquote have more money, quote unquote have like whatever it is, so often you know, like people are miserable and um they're like they end up just stuck in these situations that they don't even like, and it often these things can be taken away from them, right? It just doesn't work. It doesn't it just doesn't work for so many of us, and I I really just find that like um like when I kind of look at the collective, right, and I'm just like this isn't this isn't working for us. This isn't working for us, and it feels um it feels risky, it feels delulu at times, right? But sometimes you do just have to have that faith and that like that kind of like trust in your like whatever's kind of coming through for you, and I said that's not like just kind of like this blind trust, this blind faith, whilst you're ignoring, I don't know, bills or like problems and stuff actually in your life. It's it's to say it's not it's not one or the other and it never has been. And anybody that thinks that you can just tick off all the boxes and like white knuckle and you know just misery your way through something, like hope that makes sense, misery way through something. Um but I I think you know what I'm saying, like if it worked, then we would all be where we want to be, and would be like, okay, like that was like really miserable and that was really sucky, but now I'm fulfilled, now I'm happy, now I have the relationships, it was worth it. Like, I how many people can tell you that? How many people can be like, I was so miserable in this job, and I totally ignored all of my needs, and I didn't take care of my body, and I didn't like have fun and I didn't see my friends, but bam! Now I'm living a wonderful life. Like nobody, like nobody, like that doesn't that isn't a thing. It isn't a thing, it isn't a thing. It's not, right? And also sometimes there are sucky things, sometimes there are parts that we don't feel like doing. Sometimes you just have to do the thing and you have to get shit done and you have to do things you don't feel like doing, right? But I knew something was off for me yesterday because I love doing the podcast, and I was like, I'm just like not in that, I'm just not in the headspace for it. And sometimes we do things when we're not in the headspace and it ends up being a masterpiece, right? There again, there are times to do that, right? There are times to, you know, um, again, very nuanced conversation. There are times to kind of push through. There are times when that is the most self-loving thing that you can do, right? There are times. There are times you're just not gonna feel like doing something, you know, whether it's a workout or whatever, and then it's like, but I'm doing it because I love myself, and you know, like sometimes it's just it's just gonna feel shit, right? But then there are also times, and it really depends where it's coming from, where you're like, I'm not gonna operate from this anymore, I'm not gonna live my life this way anymore. I'm I'm just I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that, and I need to sit in the discomfort and I need to sit in the yuckiness and the sit in the I don't have all the answers and just be with this. Or I need to not sit in it and I just need to interrupt and break the cycle. I just need to go out and have some fun. And I know for me that when I just allow myself to be in pleasure and um to just allow myself to have fun, right? And and like if you're not connected to yourself, if you're not pressing, like we often can't get that because when we're suppressing like uncomfortable stuff, we also suppress our capacity to feel joy, to feel fulfilled, to feel fun, right? And like nobody's gonna feel those things all the time. You're not meant to. I talk about this all the time, but as a as a human, you're meant to like feel the whole ray of emotions. Sometimes you're gonna feel happy, sometimes you're not. You know, like happiness is as a fleeting thing, right? But like my point is sometimes you're gonna feel joyful, sometimes you can there's gonna be like laughter, sometimes you're gonna be like, eek. Um, you know, hopefully, if you're doing if you're doing this work, right? But sometimes you're gonna feel sad, sometimes you're gonna feel grief, sometimes you're gonna feel anger and all of these things, right? I do, and I like I work with that. Like I there's so many things that I'm angry about currently, right? There are so many things that just piss me off. And it's like, you know what people say, but just don't stay there. Like that's that's not quite it for me. It's like I can hold both. I can hold both. Like it's like no, I'm I'm I'm gonna still be angry about this because this situation hasn't hasn't changed, but I'm just not going to not have joy at the expense of it. Like, I'm still gonna have joy, I'm still gonna have fun, I'm still gonna live my life, I'm still gonna, you know, cackle with my girlfriends. Like I'm I'm I'm still gonna do the things, I'm still gonna be in pleasure, I'm still gonna be in my body. I'm like it's just not one or the other. Like I can hold both. Like I can be like angry and mad about something and experience joy. I can be like raging and resentful and like ha and be like so connected and experience just so much pleasure. I can be mad and have deep fulfillment, right? It it's that song. Oh, I'm gonna butcher it. How's it go about? Like, you will know the song, like, unless you've been living under a rock your whole life. That oh, I'm gonna butcher it, but like um, I'm a bitch, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, like uh I can't remember it all. But um, I think is it just called Bitch? Um, the song, but it's like that song, it's like we've been taught this lie that it's like you're one or the other, you know, like um if you're angry, you can't also experience joy. If you're grieving, you can't also experience pleasure. Like, that's just not true. It's just not true. Like in a in a moment when you're like really feeling and being with all that anger, yeah, you might not be feeling joyful, you might not be feeling laughter in that moment. But it's like that doesn't mean you can't, you know, be angry, you can't be dissatisfied with certain areas of your life and still have fun and still have pleasure. I really believe one of the the best things like women can do um for themselves, but also the collective, and you're also allowed to just do it for yourself, right? Women, we always feel like we have to justify things, like it has to be good for others, and it has to be good for the collective for us to be allowed to do something, right? But it's like you are allowed to just do things for you. You don't have to justify, you don't have to, you know, uh explain. And also there are gonna be people who don't like it. And it and again, I always kind of come back to like it's not one or the other. Like, I'm not somebody that's like, I'm just gonna be all focused on myself, right? But yeah, I am gonna be self-focused and I am going to be quote unquote selfish. Again, I really think this is a word that women need to alchemize, right? Because people are going to whether they say it to your face or be behind your back, right? Well, when you start focusing on you, there are going to be people that are going to decide that you're callous, a monster, cold, difficult, high maintenance, selfish. The more that you can be okay with people thinking that about you, and you don't see it as a bad thing, the better. So, like, you know, if somebody was to say, like, oh, Kirsty's selfish, I'd be like, Yeah, I can't, I can be damn right fucking selfish. I think that's a good thing. You want me to be selfless? Who's that benefiting? It's not benefiting me. Huh. You know, like I'm gonna keep an eye on that shit, right? Like, I'm such a big thing on reclamation of certain words. So, like, for women, it's being cold, like high maintenance, difficult, cold, selfish, slut, bitch, whore, witch, whatever. Like, man hater is is is the new one. Messangerus is is a new one, which is just just hilarious. Um, I mean, that's just a genius way of patriarchy can continue itself when women like call stuff out and hold people accountable. It's like, now you're a man hater, and it oh, I I'm seeing that. It's like it's it's it's everywhere at the moment. Um, but it's like when we can, you know, reclaim these words and they don't have them that much word and they don't have that much power over us, right? That's when things start changing. And um, you know, like when we can so this particularly matters, like if you're raising kids, like teaching them like, hey, like I love you, and of course, like I'm gonna be there, but also I'm not here just to pour into you. Like teaching your kids, like, hey, like I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna do stuff. Like, we can't break cycles and we can't break patterns if they don't see us doing that. If they just think like every time they're upset, every time they're disappointed, every time they're bored, like mom stands to attention and and they grow up believing that like that's what a good woman is and she has no needs and she just abandons herself. If um, you know, we train people unconsciously in our relationships, that it's also that like I am somebody that like I show up, right? I I am like not for everyone, but if you're in my close circle, right? I I like I I show up. Obviously, like you know, I have boundaries and and all of that's really, really important, right? But like I I am the friend, I am the person that like I show up, right? Because I really believe that that matters. You know, if we want systems to break down and end that aren't good, right? We have to also be a villager. You know, that's saying everybody wants to be, everyone wants a village, nobody wants to be a villager, right? I say this all the time, you know, people say to me like they want, you know, friendships and they want all of these things, but then they'll like ghost their friends, then they'll not show up. And like, and again, I can give people a lot of grace, right? Because, you know, people have a lot on, but then there does become a point where it's just like, okay, like that's that's not helpful. That's not helpful, right? And I see this show up a lot in in friendships for women because one of the first things women are taught

Friendship As A Village You Maintain

SPEAKER_00 42:51

to do is to give up on friendship. Because if they've got a husband and they've got kids, um, like all of these things, like we're conditioned, like they're more important, and that somehow we're letting our kids down and we're letting our partner down if we don't. And it's like sometimes the kind of thing you can do is let your children down to to let your partner down because you're teaching them, hey, I'm I'm human and I'm I've gonna go out and I'm gonna have fun and I'm gonna spend time with my friends. And this is like so good for women. Um, but women are taught like to drop that, to not prioritize that, right? And um, and and then and you know, you I'm sure you've been in situations where you've had where they're either you've been the friend who's done that or you've had friends who've done that um to you, you know, and that really affects our friendships because you know, like somebody's going to just drop you when things kind of get hard and like all of that, right? But it's like nothing will change if we keep doing that. And again, you can't do that with everyone. So you have to be selective, right? You have to decide who and what. You're going to pour into, right? And it's like this is where we get to create an ecosystem, right? Because I can like pour into things. Like I pour into people, right? And then, like, that's good for me. When I spend time with my friends, so for instance, as I say, I see my friend on a Tuesday, right? I'm pouring into that friendship, right? She benefits from that. But but then I also benefit from the friendship. And then she pours into me, right? And it creates this ecosystem. And like literally, like every week I have downloads and I have like kind of things coming through, right? Because it's so good. Like to society, that makes no logical sense. It makes no logical sense to do that. It's like what you're going to spend a whole day with your friend. Hey, you've got bills to pay, you've got this to do, you've got that to do. And it's just like, yeah. And this is good for me. And also by doing that, I'm cultivating a village and being a and being a villager, right? I'm not a villager for for everyone. Nobody can be, but we don't need to be a villager for everybody. Right? We don't need to be a villager for everybody. But it's like we should all be being a villager to someone and to some people, right? And it can't just be um, I was gonna say it can't just be a kid. Sometimes, you know, if if somebody's like really in in the shit of things, it's like sometimes you might not have anything to give to anybody else, right? But it's like, and also being a villager, like it feels good because we're meant to pour into other people. We're meant to pour into other people, right? That that's like how humans, how humans work, but also you're meant to pour into yourself and you're meant to be poured into, right? So this looks like allowing yourself to

Receptivity Reciprocity And Better Intimacy

SPEAKER_00 45:46

have pleasure. Like I like I really believe one of the best things women can do, for instance, in the bedroom in sex, is to be um centered on on themselves, right? Like sex should be for you. And for so many women, it's like they're taught, it's like it's it's something for their for their partners to enjoy and something that makes them a good partner and a good wife, and like all of that. It's like that's why the sex is not so good. But when you're connected to yourself and you're connected to your body and you're connected to your pussy and you're connected to your pleasure, like you're in this deeply receptive energy. And do you know how good it feels for somebody to um witness a woman who can deeply receive pleasure, who can who is like deeply in her body. Like it's like it's like when you give somebody a gift, right? And they're like, oh my gosh, I love this. This is amazing, right? You as the giver, like that feels good, right? And that is the that is the ecosystem that we don't currently have. We give out of an obligation, we give out of feeling guilty, we give from like because we think, oh, well, if I do this, I'm a good mam, I'm a good wife, I'm a good friend, right? That doesn't work. This is why we have to do the alchemy work. This is why I did the episode on like leaning in and when to kind of walk away. And I need to add to that episode about like you know, when things aren't compatible and like all of that. I again I will come back to that at at some point, right? We're layering each episode, right? But it's like so we have to like look at the things when something feels off, when something feels not right, but sometimes it's also just it sounds overly simplistic, and um but there is there is something in the in the simplicities at times, right? I just know that when I am like and I'm gonna tell you this can be fucking uncomfortable. This can be uncomfortable for women, right? Women are like conditioned out of doing this, right? And so it becomes a double whammy, right? When you're conditioned out of doing it and it feels unsafe, right? So it might not actually feel comfortable doing this at first. But second of all, if you have been really deconditioned out of this, right, you also might not feel safe because it actually might not be, right? As in the people around you might not actually like it when you just pour into you, right? So it becomes hard to kind of break this cycle, right? That's why compatibility and like not ignoring things, and like that's why that's where relationship work matters, right? And I'm gonna bring this back because I feel like I've gone on a tangent, but I want to kind of come back to this, right? But when I started pouring into myself and when I started being self-focused on my own pleasure, right, it was really uncomfortable. I had this like, oh, like I'm I'm I'm being selfish, I'm letting this person now. Like I felt like I had to pour back into somebody else, right? Like in this very like we're conditioned into this like very transactional thing rather than reciprocity, right? Reciprocity matters. Reciprocity really fucking matters. Without reciprocity, we can't create this ecosystem, right? But reciprocity is not transactional. Reciprocity is you being able to deeply, deeply, deeply receive, and then you pour in a way that feels good. It actually feels like abundance to give to other people, right? Most women have not got that cracked, they don't know how that, how, how that looks. They don't know the gift of um, the real gift of being deeply, deeply in receptivity, and then also the the abundance that comes from giving from like pure alignment. Like, again, you know, like you can be a villager who gives from pure alignment rather than obligation, guilt, like trying to be good. It's very rare to see somebody who's got that nailed. Really, really rare. This is the kind of thing that we do when you work with me on a one-to-one basis, right? And that is a process that can take quite some time to get, right? And before we can even get to that stuff, we often have to untangle other things, right? You know, there's often like months before that of just untangling other bits first. This is not fast work, the alchemy stuff isn't fast work, right? But if you've ever witnessed a woman who can just really receive, whether it's um in the bedroom, whether it's um a gift, like whatever it is, oh my gosh, that goddess of a woman, like it feels so good being in her presence. And imagine if every woman was walking around like that. They're not coming from obligation, they're not coming from guilt, they're coming from joy, they're coming from from pleasure. Like it's this like magnetism that I want to be mindful of, like, not the over-romanticising this, because we often do that in the in the spirituality field, and that can be really problematic, right? I want to be like mindful of that. But it's like I've seen it and I have experienced it. Like the amount of times when, and I'm really like I've really worked on this. I did so much sexual alchemy work, right? But for instance, like when I'm in um, like me and my husband are being intimate, and we're, you know, like getting it on and making love, having sex, fucking, whatever you want to call it, right? And to me, those things are all different, and and like I I I I personally personally love them all depending on again being connected with my body and what I'm feeling in in that moment, different is I have different things that I want, right? But I really it was it was such a profound shift for me, right? Because not only did I feel so good and felt I felt so much pleasure, like I saw how it literally like fed Tony. The more that I could receive, like, and let him give to me in this like re um reciprocity way, the more he became like more like in pleasure. The more that I could receive pleasure, the more that I made sex something that was for me and not for him. Like the one place that I never perform is in the bedroom. Never. And and so many women like think they're not performing, but they are like if you're worried about how your cellulite looks and how your arse looks and how your facial expressions look and whether he's enjoying it or not, and whether it's good, there's a performance happening. Might not be the performance of like, you know, fake mourning that you see in porn, but there is that thing. And we do this all the time. We do this all the time into interactions with other people. What's this person thinking of me? Do they do they like me? How are they understanding what I said? What if they've misunderstood me? What if they think this? What if they think that, right? That creates a performance, right? Not a performance as in we're being fake, not as in we're being somebody we're not, but there's still this kind of um mask, there's still this thing happening, right? And that's what most of us do, because that's what we're trying to do. Like, I still catch myself doing this. I have to catch myself on this, and then I have to come into receptivity, right? And when I come into receptivity, here's what I notice whatever relationship I'm in, whatever like dynamic I'm in, like it will get better, right? Something will either happen, right? Either that dynamic will up level and it'll become like an amazing dynamic, or it will fall away because it's not in alignment, it's not compatible, right? But that becomes a win-win, right? So that I can actually ponder things that are actually good for me, that are actually well for me, that are actually sustainable, and that I can be a villager and there can be receptivity and reciprocity in a relationship that that I'm in. And I just wish everybody could get that. Like, I'm like, that is how we change the world. That is how we'd create a matriarchy, a system where we all, we all, we all thrive, we all do well. And it's something I talk about all the fucking time is like, I don't care if you're in a relationship with a good person, I care if you can thrive. And you will only thrive when you can learn um to be in pleasure, when you can learn to um like allow for fun, when you can seize the day, when you stop thinking you're broken and that you need to fix everything, when you can really learn the qualities of receptivity and and reciprocity, and very, very, very few women have that. Very few women have that because will it make sense to not have that? Because we live in a patriarchal system, and uh that system works built on women policing themselves, policing each other's um censoring themselves. It works on women feeling guilty, feeling bad, overfunctioning, like pouring into everybody else. It works on women being the default for mental and emotional labor. And when they start coming out of that and they start pouring into themselves and they start being more self-centered, and again, what is a woman taught not to be? Don't be self-centered. No, like be self-centered. Like you can be self-centered as in pouring into self is what I mean. That doesn't mean you're a fucking cock. It doesn't mean you're a dickhead who doesn't care about other people, right? But that's the conditioning we've been taught because we've been, we've saw examples of, you know, women who are not nice and do hurt other people, right? But that's not what we're talking about, and that's the thing that you have to deconstruct, the discomfort you have to deconstruct your own, and also that when you start doing this, other people are gonna feel a shift. And some people are not gonna like it at first. Some people will never like it because they actually don't want you to power into you. But that's a good thing to see that, and those relationships will dilute. There'll be a grief there, but then you're gonna thrive, then you're gonna have a glow up, right? But most people who don't like it at first, if they're actually in alignment for you, they just need a minute because we all struggle with change, but then your relationship will be better than ever. So, for instance, say you're doing this work in your marriage, right? And your marriage is generally compatible, like there's genuine love there, you generally want to see each other thrive, right? There'll be this really uncomfortable phase, right? Where there's anger, where there's grief, whether it's all of these things. But then the alchemy happens and you have such a fucking epic relationship, right? But you have to walk through that unsexy phase of that thing of like, oh, like this, this is uncomfortable, like I'm feeling uncomfortable, they're feeling attacked or whatever it is, right? They're like they're they're finding it hard, right? Maybe your kids are finding it hard, maybe like whatever it is, right? But there'll be this point where things start shifting, and that just becomes your new norm, and that's when everybody can start thriving.

Key Takeaways And How To Connect

SPEAKER_00 56:52

Pleasure, fun, cultivating more joy, seizing the moments, like stop trying to fix everything, stop thinking you're broken, and actually create true reciprocity, true um um receptivity. Like receptivity is where it's at. Like that is that is like that that is the work that I'm always gonna come back to. That is like um it was work that to be honest, I learned a lot in the divine feminine spaces. But if you listen to my episode on that, there's a lot of problems in those spaces, huge problems in those spaces, but that is one of the things that um one of the absolute golden nuggets that I got from from that space. Um, but I also just got a lot of problematic things from from those spaces. And um yeah, now I'm hence this podcast where I'm like talking about these things so that you can learn from my mistakes. And you know, mistakes get to be, I mean, mistakes are part of the human experience. Like the the the part of it, there's um there's gold in them, you know, like like that's how we embody things by getting getting it wrong and like you know, that cliche of like a detour in in the right direction, you know, by realizing something isn't quite right, um, but always like not throwing the baby out with a bath water when there are gems in in spaces. Anyway, I could go on and on and on about this, and um at some point maybe I need to um, yeah, maybe I need to dive into some of these topics, topics deeper. But anyway, I will be back with another episode next Monday. It'll be something that will follow. I haven't decided yet what I'm gonna talk about next week, but I've got a list of um things and they're all really juicy and they're all um some of them are juicy than others, some of I just think are important. Um and I haven't decided which one I'm gonna go for, go for yet. But follow along every single week because all of these are stacking on each other. They're all stacking on each other. And um, if you do happen to have any requests, go to the show notes. You can send me a voice note, you can send me a text, let me know what you're enjoying. As I say, any topics and stuff, send them. If you're enjoying this, please, please, please leave a review because it really, really helps the podcast or share it with our friends. And if you would like to work with me, go to kerstdd.com. All the details are on there. I've got some new packages and things coming out in July for one-off one-to-one alchemy sessions and also one off, um, not one off ongoing mentorship. All of that is coming. And also, if you're in the DOSA area, come to Pink Alchemy. That is the 7th of August. Um, again, all the details will be on my website, but we will be doing alchemy, and you'll be coming home to you and connecting. Tell yourself. Me and my friend Hannah will be just holding the most delicious space for you. And um, yeah, it's it's it's gonna be amazing. So check that out. As I say, all the details will be at cursd.com. I will be back next Monday, as I say, with another episode. Until then, have the most amazing day or evening, depending when you're listening to this.