Truth & Transformation

SUBTLE WAYS INTERNALISED MISOGYNY ERODES SISTERHOOD & SELF-WORTH

• Kirsty Dee • Season 5 • Episode 41

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What if the traits we celebrate as “strong” are quietly burning us out? This episode digs into the subtle mechanics of internalised misogyny—the invisible scripts that tell women to do it all, to be easy to please, to hide emotion, and to downplay anything coded as feminine. We unpack how those scripts shape friendships, work, money, and boundaries, and why the praise for being “low maintenance” often masks a refusal to value women’s time and labour.

I share candid stories from recent years—being judged for sexual expression, having femininity dismissed as unserious, and learning to spot projections early. We look at the trust gap between women, how competition and comparison take hold, and what to do when evidence seems to confirm “you can’t trust women.” Rather than withdraw into isolation, we explore discernment: noticing the patterns in ourselves and others, naming unfair dynamics, and choosing relationships with real reciprocity. That means raising standards without shaming, offering grace without abandoning ourselves, and refusing the invisible job of emotional manager.

You’ll hear concrete cues to watch for—haggling with women but not men, calling boundaries “too much,” labelling emotion as weakness—and practical ways to respond. We talk about valuing feminine aesthetics without apology, charging fairly for women’s work, and supporting those who speak up even when truth is uncomfortable. Healing sisterhood wounds is possible when we invest in safe, secure connections, set clear limits, and honour the full spectrum of womanhood—softness and fire included.

If this resonates, share it with a friend who’s ready to unlearn old scripts. Subscribe for more raw, real conversations, and leave a review to help others find the show. 

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SPEAKER_00:

This is season five of the Truth and Transformation podcast. This is a podcast all on living a life wildly authentic to you. It's raw, it's real, it's vulnerable, it's explicit, it's unedited. I'm your host, Kirsty D. Let's go.

SPEAKER_01:

Hello, hello, hello, lovelies. Today I want to talk about internalized misogyny and sister hard wounds. I wanted to talk about this because internalized misogyny often is very subtle. It's often not obvious. It can often come, it can often show up as as strength, as as having your shit together. And yet it is in these really, really subtle ways, basically causing you problems, causing your relationships problems, like not serving you, but if you don't see it because it's not obvious, if you're not like obviously like hating on other other women, then you might not recognize this in in yourself. And I really believe that we all have this, and it shows up in these, as I said, these really subtle ways. It can show up as hyperindependence, it can show up as and this is where it's like in the fabric of society, it can show up as dynamics, which we see literally everywhere, of women being in relationships where they are the default. Why? Because we are taught to devalue women more. So I talked about this last week. She doesn't realise how lucky she is, how good she's got it. This is like a form of internalized misogyny. This like that hyperindependence, I've got all my shit together, I won't let anybody s uh support me because I I feel like I should be able to do everything because you are conditioned that as a woman you should be able to do it all. So you're conditioned to judge yourself, you're conditioned to judge other women who are struggling, rather than look at systemic stuff. And this is like so wide into society. We're also conditioned to um judge other uh flavors of how femininity might show up, to judge things that are seen as stereotypically feminine, to judge pink and glitter and sparkles, and to see them as less than, and to see being girly as less than, not to be valued, not to take it seriously. Um, we are taught to judge um sexual expression, you know, like the the judgment of um I talked about this in the sick uh liberation with the slick with slut embodiment. So you can go back and listen to that episode as part of self in Sextamber. We're taught to judge people like don't be approved, but don't be too sexual. Like that is something we really, really judge. Um, another way internalized misogyny can can show up is I just don't trust other women. I don't trust other women, I get on better with men. Now, this is where it's difficult, and this is where it's very complex because of internalised misogyny, and because this is in like every woman that I know, including myself, and I'm constantly looking how this like shows up. Um, that causes us a woman to judge and compete with each other, and then obviously the symptom of that is women do hurt other women, so therefore, it is true that you can't always trust other women. So you have evidence for that, but the issue isn't to just stop having female friends and to stop trusting all women, it's to get more discerning. Um, to it's it's to see this in yourself, the way it shows up, and to see it in how it shows up with other women, and to to see it like in your friends and stuff, and not from this like judging place, but just this awareness so you can have that discernment and to to have that compassion, it can look like um how we just hold women to a much higher a higher standard, and then when they don't meet that standard, we judge. So, like in in motherhood, in in female friendships and and all of that, that real sort of um criticism. This can show up as I don't want to be associated with this person um who's in their you know, sexual power and stuff. Like I had this done to me a lot um in 2025 as I did self in September. Um, you know, women not wanting to be associated because they're scared, um, because they've been taught to to judge that, um, and for it to be seen as bad, and so they they don't want to be associated, you know. I don't want to be associated also with a woman who is very, very feminine and and very, very girly because I might not be then taken seriously. People might look down on that rather than address the the root thing of like, why don't we take her seriously? Like there is such a sisterhood wound that often we just attack each other. We are taught to um like it's not just men that are taught to judge, we know this, to judge other women on like how they show up, how they interact, how they dress. We see women doing this all the time to other women. Um another way this can look, as I say, is not wanting to be associated, but also like this whole thing of like being conditioned to not be like other women rather than be like, no, I am like other women. We're conditioned like that not being like other women is is a compliment. And not everybody that says this like means it in a malicious way because internalized misogyny is is is invisible a lot of the time. You know, people can mean something as a genuine, sincere compliment, but there is this thing here that we have to start seeing of certain things that we associate with feminine is looked down on, is seen as less than, is to not be taken so seriously. Oh, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Um we really have to look at that, and we really have to pay attention, you know, if we find ourselves, you know, saying things like, oh, I just get on with men better, I just get on with um male energy better, I don't trust other women, like all of these things, and it's all like it all makes sense, but you have to realize there's something to heal there. Now for me, I didn't have it in that way, it didn't show up for me in that way. Like I grew up with sisters, I've always been like I've always been quite stereotypically of a girly girl. Um and the reason I can speak into this is from the other side, like often that's been looked down upon, um, not taken as seriously, and I've had like other women at times that they're just like they've like they've really struggled with that and um like really projected something onto me. And whenever I was sexually expressed, like that was really judged, judged upon. And if I allowed myself to um be supported and to be received, like you know, receive support, um look down upon and seen as like I don't know, having less value, not having my shit together, being less capable, whatever. Um, because as I've said in the beginning, like internalized misogyny can look like strength, can look like um doing it all, over functioning, um, overdoing it, but that's actually hurting us. And then judging the woman that does that as like having too high standards, oh, she's high maintenance, she thinks a lot of herself. Internalized misogyny can look like low expectations, um being easy breezy, easy to please, not asking too much, and then believing the woman that is like hell no, is a bitch. Like, there is so many ways that this can show up, making the the person who doesn't tolerate certain things uh as the enemy, and then it can also show up in the other way where women who don't tolerate those things can look down on women who do rather than realize it's systemic. There there is wounds there, that's how they learn to stay safe. And um, there are so many different ways that this can show up. Oh my gosh, I say this all the time. But if you're a regular listener, you'll be like, Yes, this is this is the the part in the podcast where Kirsty kind of goes, oh my gosh, my tummy's rumbling, like apologies if you can hear that. My tummy, like I I swear I always eat before I start this podcast, but for some reason I start recording and I just get really, really hungry. Um, so that's what that noise is. My point is internalized misogyny shows up with subtle things. It is not covert, obvious things. It's not the person who's going around like hating in a really obvious, covert way on other women. It's often so much more insidious than that. It is these subtle ways that we compare ourselves, that we compete with each other. It is the judgments, it is their the policing, it can be their hyper independence, it can be their um quote unquote strength, it can be their fierce, vicious inner critic that I have worked really, really, really, really, really hard on. It can be um really not thinking you're um worthy of advocating for yourself, as I say, judging other women when they do advocate for themselves. It can be judging a woman when she basically speaks out on something because it makes people uncomfortable, even though we need to speak out on that thing. It can look like a woman who calls people out and then we go, Oh, oh, she made everybody uncomfortable, she made the situation uncomfortable. Like, I have seen this so many times when a woman has refused to put up with something, and then she's called a bitch, called aggressive, like whatever it is, rather than being with her. Like this is a sisterhood wound when we teach women that she's expecting too much, when we devalue a woman's hard work and we just tell her she's lucky. Oh, it's just easy for her. Or when a woman wants to earn well, oh she's all about the money now. When we want to um not pay her a certain price, we want to haggle with her in a way that we wouldn't with with men. What do you say when you do that? You say, like, she should do it, do it for free, she should do it cheaper, she should do this. Because we don't often value what women do. We expect women to do it for free, we expect them to do it cheaper. We now there this this this different, like if somebody genuinely needs um financial support, that's different, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about when you're in a position to and you just don't really value paying her, and you don't really value her time, and you expect her to do certain things, and we see this play out all the time when women are just expected to do certain things, and when they set boundaries, they're labelled as a bitch not caring. All of these things are when a woman gets upset and then we call her too sensitive, too much, or she's going on about this, you know, for wearing a hat on her sleeve, for fucking having emotions. This can look like being really harsh on yourself when you're struggling with something. Why am I so emotional? Like whatever it is, whatever the internalized thing is that you say to yourself, it can look like um a low capacity to be around other women. And it makes sense because you've have seen women bitching and gossiping and not being nice to each other. That's the point. That's the that's the things we've got to challenge. And often if you challenge those things, you're seen as the bitch because you're not enabling those dynamics and kind of going, hey, let's not do this. So I often see one or two things. People either pull away from women altogether because they don't want to be around that and all of that, or they all just just gather and like bitch and and like all of that, and judge each other, judge how they parent, judge their um career choices, judge how they are in relationships. And I'm not saying, again, to ignore things that that are harmful, like that's that's not how we get rid of this. That actually creates more sisterhood wounds. I think for me, it's it's about that awareness, and how this has come for me is I'm in this kind of thing at the moment where when I'm seeing signs of internalized misogyny in other women, because I've been hurt so many times in friendships and stuff, I'm I'm not ignoring it, I'm flagging it. I'm being aware where I'm trained to tolerate certain things, where I'm trained to just take on more emotional, mental labor, and all of that, to just accept things that have in the past have kicked me in the ass, then led to a sisterhood wound, and then that sisterhood wound has made me then because that wound made me show up in ways that's also caused more problems. So, what is this has looked like for me is having the discernment when I see those things and then deciding what I want to do, like is it boundaries, is it to you know pull away, is it to not continue with this relationship or this friendship? Like I've really um like looking at those things, but then also the other piece is being aware that that so many women do have this wounding of giving people grace and all of that, but that fine line between not just tolerating things and not ignoring things, there's a real fine line between those two things and just keeping my heart open to sisterhood and to to other women, but I'll I'll be honest, like I have massively raised my standards. I spent 2025, my word was with sisterhood, and I did a lot of friendship dating and and all of that, and actually a lot of those friends and things like that that I'd met, I would see these kind of patterns that weren't their fault, and actually I decided to just kind of like pull back and not engage because of learning from the past, but also you can do that in a way without shitting on other women and um without adding to the problem, and actually what it where I'm at now for 2026 is I'm not friendship dating in 2026, I'm focusing on dating myself, and but I'm not closing myself off to sisterhood, but I am just not in 2026 looking for female friends, I'm not looking to build more sisterhood, like I spent 2025 doing that, and what sadly what I realized and what was really, really harrowing is there is so much internalized misogyny, and so many times because I'm a woman that speaks out, um, because I talk about sex and the erotic and all of these things, so many times I was projected on, and so I'm not closing my heart off to sisterhood. I fucking love women. But I'm just focusing on myself, and if people come to me, great. But I realized that doing that, I'm actually so much happier, and I'm only willing to let people in my closed circle is if they're also doing work on internalized misogyny. Yeah, I'm I'm I'm setting a standard there so that I can heal these wounds in myself. Because here's how we heal wounds by having safe, secure relationships. And you can only have that with people who are also doing the work. So how I am breaking this is by not taking on a disproportionate amount of emotional and mental labor. And what I realized is some women aren't doing the work on this when it comes to friendships, not because they're not amazing women, but because they don't have the support in their lives. Um, so they don't have the capacity when it comes to friendships and stuff. So I can see that and I can um not judge it, and like I totally can get how they're there, but like I am, I'm I'm not like I'm no longer gonna keep having these wounds in me, these sisterhood wounds that are created from a dynamic where there isn't reset re reciprocity because they physically don't have the capacity or the skill set. When I'm when I'm seeing that, I'm like, I'm sending them love, and when I'm seeing that internalized misogyny, I'm sending them love, but I'm also setting boundaries around that, and I'm not letting those people come into my close circle, and I can do that and be for sisterhood and do what I'm doing here with this podcast and building the communities and like all of that, and really speaking about these things and really kind of setting a standard of like knowing my worth and kind of charging my worth and like charging for the work, the work that I do, and just not being I'm just not interested in people who don't see the value of paying a woman and paying her well. And I realized myself like I had this internalized thing in myself where like I really struggled to one hold that standard and also ask ask for money, ask for from from my wife because I was conditioned that like I should do everything for free, and that makes me a good woman and a good person and all of that, and it leads to a shit show. It leads to a an absolute fucking shit show. So that's where I'm at. Not ignoring when I see signs of internalized misogyny, paying attention to the subtle ways it shows up for me, like I'm always catching new ways. I'm like, oh my gosh, I did not see that. Oh my gosh, like as I say, every person has this, like you can't get away from it, it's in the fabric of of of society, and I really I I really love sisterhood. I really love having female friends. Um I do, I and I I love really girly, stereotypical girly things. I like I I I love those things, and they're always gonna be a huge part of my life. Loving on how women, like how we're all different and all those different flavours, and been like so much love and so much respect, and really just seeing the awe of how fucking incredible women are, and if you're not gonna match me in terms of you don't have to be like me, but there has to be some sort of res reciprocity, as in we're both doing well from being in this relationship, like that's what I'm about, and so often I would be in dynamics where I'm just like I'm just gonna say it where I would be there was so much that like I wasn't getting from the dynamic, and I've talked about this so many times, but like I had to to look at my piece there, and and also there's the dynamic where again that's more emotional kind of labour where we kind of say she's gonna look at her piece, she's gonna look at her piece, and that's really important. But I what the thing for me was actually realizing sometimes my piece looking at that was stepping back and stepping away when I was doing a disproportionate amount of emotional labour, like I just if I've I'm not interested in explaining things to people that just can't see it, I'm just not like if you can't see your own shit, like if you can't see where you're projecting, if you can't see um all of that, I'm not interested in trying to convince you. And unfortunately, there are women who can't see see their own stuff because this internalized misogyny is so so so deep rooted and I'm just not available for it. Anyway, I will be back next week with another podcast episode. I will chat to you then. Bye.