Truth & Transformation
Truth AND Transformation is a podcast on authenticity. It's about living in your truth. It's the messy journey of being human. Expect a lot of vulnerability as we talk about trauma, sex, mental health, parenting, relationships, marriage, emotional wellness, femininity, the divine feminine and everyday life. Plus some woo shit, coz the woo is wise and I'm a witch, so of course, we'll go there.
Season 1 kicked off in 2020 with me 'Living In My Truth' and coming out as bisexual after hiding it in fear of what people would think. I cried. It truly was liberating, but also so hard losing people over it, and yet, here I am five years later with season 5, choosing to walk this path of living my truth still. It's the work of creating a life that you actually frigging like. A life that's emotionally well for you and creating the very best relationships with yourself and others as you go. Things have evolved since the early days. After going on my own trauma healing journey, I'm now on a mission to get as many women as possible to step into their Divine Feminine Power, as it was that work that changed the game for me.
It's explicit, raw, unedited, and vulnerable. It's my heart to yours.
I hope you enjoy. New episodes drop every Monday at 7 am GMT/BST.
Your host,
Kirsty Dee
Truth & Transformation
ENDING SYSTEMIC PATTERNS OF INVISIBLE LABOR & FATHER/MOTHER WOUND
Ever felt like you’re doing everything and still being told you’re “lucky”? Let’s name what culture keeps invisible: the mother and father wounds that train women to carry the emotional and mental load while men are praised for “helping.” Digging into how these patterns form, why your nervous system might read imbalance as normal, and what it takes to build fair, loving homes without martyrdom.
I share how “we never argue” can hide suppression, why repair beats perfection, and how trained tolerance stealthily shapes who we choose and how we relate. We talk about weaponised incompetence, the praise economy that centres men for basics, and the subtle scripts that teach children Dad rests and Mum compensates. Then we move to solutions: shifting from “just tell me what to do” to proactive noticing, running weekly logistics councils, auditing the mental load, and raising kids who see and act. This is trauma-aware work, with space for nuance if anger once meant danger; we practise boundaries, co-regulation, and small wins that compound.
You’ll hear a reframe on healthy feminine and masculine energies as capacities we all hold—attunement and structure, receptivity and initiation—used not to excuse imbalance but to create presence, accountability, and ease. Awakening can be messy and grief-filled, yet it opens room for better agreements and genuine reciprocity. If you’re ready to stop tolerating what drains you and start building a household where contribution is shared and seen, this conversation is your map. If it resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend, and leave a review.
More from me at KirstyDee.com
This is season five of the Truth and Transformation podcast. This is a podcast all on living a life wildly authentic to you. It's raw, it's real, it's vulnerable, it's explicit, it's unedited. I'm your host, Kirsty D. Let's go.
SPEAKER_02:Hello, hello, hello, hello, fellas. Today, what is on my heart is ending generational dynamics and patterns that are so deeply rooted, they're so systemic, and they hurt us all. I'm gonna be talking about the mother and the father wound and how systemic this is, and I don't care who you are, this is showing up in some way in your life because it's in the fabric of society. So even if you're like my mother was great, my father was great, or maybe the opposite, you're like, I didn't really have a good relationship with my mother, or she wasn't around, or my father wasn't, whatever it is, like whoever this shows up as like the feminine presence in your life, the women that were in your life, and the men and that were in your life and how they showed up, and like nobody gets away from this. This is as I say, it's in the collective, it's in the fabric of society. And I just want to talk about it because, as I say, it's like it's systemic, nobody gets away from this, and you see it, you know, when you look at relationships and you look at how many people are unfulfilled and don't feel met in their relationships, and you look at you know the disproportionate amounts of women where they they're like defaulted as the person who takes on so much invisible labour, so much emotional and mental labour, and this is like disproportionately you know on women, and we see you know relationships where there's like partnerships where there's this real weaponized incompetence on one side. And I really want us to all be able to thrive and to just have beautiful, delicious relationships, and the only way we can do that is if we look at systemic things and if we also are willing to reflect on the messages we got and how the father wound shows up for us and how the motherhood wound shows up for us. Because as I say, I don't care who you are, like this this is everybody, like the people who brought us up, our parents, our caregivers, hopefully, um, hopefully they did their best. Obviously, some people do have, you know, abusive parents who unfortunately don't give a shit. But I think most most, I like to hope most, had parents that, you know, like did their best, but they were you know imperfect, and that doesn't make it any less painful, any less hard. You know, I can say this as somebody who has stuff from from my childhood, but also as a parent of two kids, and oh my gosh, like you know, it's so hard, and like I often like I've made so many mistakes and I often don't hit it. So like I can have empathy on both sides, and I just think until I went through the challenges that I have gone through motherhood, like I never really I never really fully I never really fully got it, and I do have so much more, you know, empathy and stuff, you know, for for my parents and all of that because I've been in like so many like you know shit shows in parenting and really didn't handle things always the best, but I was like really, really trying and just the capacity and the challenges of you know raising a child and that like that it's a lot, you know. I've I've talked about it before, I don't think I've talked about it too much on on season five, but like parenting, I have I have just found it so incredibly hard and so difficult, and it is by far like the hardest thing that I've ever done in my life, and I have come to a place now where I can be like, yeah, I'm a good fucking mum, but for a long time, like I didn't feel that way, and some of that was conditioning, and some of that plays into the father and motherhood wound, but some of it was because I was just finding it so difficult, like I wasn't being a great parent at times, and I wanted to be, but I just didn't have the skill set, I didn't have the capacity, and this is all linked because I didn't have that, and because I didn't have the support, therefore I wasn't able to show up in parenting in the ways that I wanted to. So, of course, you know, like that's it it wounded me, but then also that passes down to my children, and I've worked really, really hard on this, and something that I have learned is that you know, our children don't need us to be perfect parents, and all of that, you know, there's this concept that's called like good enough parenting, and I've really started to embrace that, and I think because of my my own personal wounds, and because I know I had a lot of scars, then I put a lot of pressure on myself. Um, like if I ever messed up, like I was really concerned that I was like, I don't know, causing trauma and stuff for my children. So that created this perfectionism, which actually made me a not as skilled parent, actually. Um anyway, that's a whole other rabbit hole that I could could go down. Um, but that's not really what I want to talk about today. I don't really want to talk about um like my parenting struggles. I want to kind of stick to to the topic at hand of like how this shows up in relationships and how this could possibly be showing up in in your life and in your relationships. You might not be raising children, but yet it's still kind of showing up, or maybe maybe you are, maybe you can kind of relate to some of some of the challenges of how of how it shows up. So let's talk about it. So as I say, we know that so many people are in relationships where they don't feel fully met and they don't feel fully fulfilled. We know that there's often a disproportionate amount of emotional, mental labour, and visible labour put on women that like is defaulted on them. They become the default for you know running, running the household, problem solving, anticipating needs. Um, I'm recording this before Christmas, it won't go out until I think end of January. But like, particularly around a Christmas time, if you celebrate Christmas, we know that often moms are you know responsible for for a lot of that. I am glad to say that that dynamic is not the case in my in my home. And I don't say that to to brag, I say that to say that we can change change the change the dynamics so that things aren't disproportionately defaulted to us. But it's really important to to do that. We have to we have to stop kind of like blaming ourselves and blaming each other and see that this is really systemic. And yes, there are people that take the pace and don't appreciate their partners and stuff, but I think for a lot of people, like this, as I say, is so invisible and so in the fabric of society, and it's so systemic that we just don't see it. And one of the ways this really, really shows up is that we end up in relationships where this dynamic was bound to happen, that it was inevitable to happen, and this isn't about blaming anyone, it's not about blaming ourselves, but if we can understand this, we can then learn from it to create changes. So whether that's you know, we're getting into new relationships and we don't um repeat that pattern again, or whether it's just the awareness so that we can start alchemizing our current dynamic, or maybe it's because we don't want this to kind of pass down to our kids and you know, on and on and on, or even if you don't like having kids is not something that's like on your path. Um like this can show up with how we talk to our friends and you know, other loved ones and other members of you know, whether we've got nieces and nephews and and all of that, this is something that if we all do the work around, oh my gosh, I need to sneeze. Um bless me. Um if we really do the work around that we can start creating change. So as I said, sometimes we end up in these dynamics because and it was inevitable it was going to happen. And when I say inevitable, it doesn't mean it has to happen, but it was inevitable it was going to happen because it's in the in the fabric and it's so in the fabric that we don't see it. And when we can understand this, we can change the dynamics. And what I mean by this is if something is so in the fabric, then we don't see it, it's it's invisible, invisible to us, so alarm bells won't start ringing. So how this can kind of show up is if we've had dynamics where we weren't aware of how much our mothers or the women in our lives, depending on what's relevant for you, were taking on a disproportionate amount of mental and emotional labor. Then when there's signs and we're meeting a partner where there are signs that that's going to be the case, it might not ring as anything odd, it might not ring as anything to be concerned about. In fact, we might just think that's normal, that's the the way it is, and our nervous system is wired to kind of you know seek safety and seek familiarity, and it's it's wired when something's different to ring alarm bells, but not when something is the same, even if it's not fully the same. Sometimes we can choose a partner because they're not like you know, family members or people who brought us up that we we don't want. When it's like really obvious, like I don't want that, then you know, we we're on the look for that. But if something is so insidious that it's not even really seen, it's not even really acknowledged, it's just the way things are, that what happens is in relationships, our nervous system is is not going to kind of go, haha. This is like not the dynamics that maybe I'm gonna want in 5, 10, 15 years, even maybe it's in a year's time, even in six months' time. And and how this looks is whether we've realized it or not. Um, and some people are gonna like some people get offended about about this, but I want you to just really look at this and kind of really um look at it from the like a deeper lens. Like this is not a this is not a judgment, this this is something that that we see, but when we we look at society, men have been taught to center themselves, and women have been taught to center other people. And some people get offended because they think that that means like I'm bashing on men, but I want you to just hear me out here. I don't mean centering as in, you know, like narcissism and they're bad people who don't give a shit. Like that is not what I'm talking about, and yes, that can for sure show up. But if you have been centered, the way that this dynamic works is the person who is being centered doesn't realize they're being centered, they don't see it, it is invisible. If you are the one being centered, it is invisible. Now I know some people are gonna be like, no, no, that wasn't the case, like this is how it showed up. I I'm not talking about necessarily your specific case, however, often it is showing up in that case, but I'm talking about systemically. So even if the dynamics were slightly different as you grow up, this is still in the systemic thing of society, and this is why it can cause um so much kind of debate, because if people don't see it, and particularly if men don't see it, then they can feel attacked, they can feel offended, but what they don't realize because it's invisible, like if you're the one being centered, this whole dynamic works by being invisible to you, by you not seeing it. And of course, we have to acknowledge that there are some men who do see it and they just don't care because they have been trained to not care and to center themselves. Now, even if you're in a relationship that is like if you're in a same-sex relationship, this still can show up for us because we'll have been around this dynamic. As I say, this dynamic is so systemic. But we particularly know this shows up when you're in a relationship with the opposite sex. We know that's the relationship that this really, really, really disproportionately impacts and disproportionately impacts women defaulted to take on much more a mental, emotional labor. And if we can understand the the root of this, the origins of this, we can start creating change so that if, like myself, you are raising children, and I and the reason that I really want to talk about this, and the reason I really care about this is because I wish I'd have known about this from day one, because had I, I know that the dynamics in my home, like there wouldn't have been a situation that I had to alchemize. Had I known about this. But things come to us when the mentor, I believe, like we're all here to learn lessons and above. I didn't get the memo till later, and then there was a lot of shit that I had to alchemise, and I'm I'm I'm still working on it because I was I was late to the party, it was so in the fabric that it showed up in in my home life. And me and Tony have worked really, really hard to to change this dynamic, and gosh, that has been so amazing. And also, have I talked about this before? I'm not sure. Maybe me and Tony talked about it in 2023 when we did a a series together, and I plan to have Tony on at some point on the podcast in 2025. As I say, this episode's gone out in 2026, it didn't happen. Um, like life has just been crazy, but I will get Tony back on at some point to do an updated thing because by the time he's back on, it'll be three years, and as you can imagine, we've evolved and like things have changed a lot since since then, and we've been really working really hard on this dynamic. So I don't know if I've talked about this before, um, but this was gener like really showing up in our marriage, and one of the things that we didn't realize is we needed to go deeper than just looking at the dynamics between my husband and I. Like it also we had to look at how unconsciously we were also creating a dynamic where our children were kind of set up to follow the same patterns, which would not only affect them in their relationships, but also it was meaning the home wasn't running as smoothly because they weren't learning to kind of notice and do like what needed to be done around the house, which wasn't creating a sustainable household. So then I was extra overwhelmed, and my husband tends to work away a lot. So this like defaulted to, of course, me, and it was a shit show. And then you know how I started this episode saying like parents' been parenting's been really hard, and I couldn't show up and always be the parent that I wanted to be. Well, of course I couldn't because I was so overwhelmed and it wasn't like well support, like just shit sure, absolute shit sure. And I wasn't teaching my children like age from like an age appropriate age appropriate age. Does that make sense? Um, how to become like contributors of of the home. And when I say that, it's like I wasn't teaching them. So again, that default on to me because I didn't even like it even occur to me that this was something that should be between me and my husband, and of course he didn't see it. Shit sure, shit sure, shit sure, and this really showed up because and this is how these things can be really, really subtle. Society constantly told me that I was so lucky because my husband, quote unquote, helps, so I was like, I can't complain. Like I I've got a good, so why am I so stressed? Why am I so overwhelmed all the time? Because even though I had a husband that quote unquote helped, and that if you dug into this, you know why that saying is really, really damaging. But because society kept telling me that, I of course didn't see that there was a disproportionate amount of mental and uh emotional labour put on me. Like I was defaulted for so many things, but because I wasn't defaulted to do everything, which nobody should be, but when my husband did things, because he got such a wow from society. And people would give me such a while, like, oh my gosh, guess you're so lucky. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so lucky. So I felt like I was constantly failing. And like I really beat myself up. And as I said at the beginning of this episode, it really created this like perfectionism, being really, really hard on myself, feeling like a shitty ass parent. And then I had evidence to back that up because I was so overwhelmed, like I was constantly um, like I would you'd lose my shit, the kids, and then I'd like see, I'm not a good parent, and I I didn't want to be that kind of parent because I grew up with that kind of parent. Can you see how systemic this is? And I and I like vowed to not be that parent, and here I am, you know, shouting at my kids and all of that. And of course, we all shout out our kids, you know, at times. Like no parent gets through the whole of parenting without ever snapping at their children. So I want to just I want to just like normalize that and also not normalize it to the point where it's becoming more systemic and we're like normalizing that rather than addressing the root. I wanted to get to a place where, you know, like that's we're not like snapping and like all of that in our kids. And when it does happen, it's because the root has been addressed, it's it's rare and we repair with our kids, and it doesn't lead to like this this trauma in our children because it's not about, as I said, this like perfect parenting. What causes the the wounds and all of that is not being a repair not happening. Like I think we often live in a society where we're so scared of rupture, but rupture can actually be an opportunity. I've talked about this before, but more in relation to like my marriage and like relationships with you know a romantic sort of partner, um, that we're often scared of like rupture and stuff, but like ruptures are really, really inevitable, and they can actually be an opportunity to have a deepening in relationship and repair. And I just feel like nobody's going to, like, if you're in a long-term relationship with anyone, like you're never gonna have a situation where there's never ever ever ever ruptures. And to be honest, I don't see it as like a green flag when somebody's like, we never argue, we never have this, we never have that. I like that's really, really kind of praised in society. I personally don't see that as um a green flag. Did I just say that already? I think I might have said red flag. I don't my point is I don't see that as a green flag. I would see that more as potentially an amber flag. Like I see a green flag as in you are showing up, like you're both doing the work, you're both looking at your stuff, but it but sometimes, you know, there may be like ruptures and and stuff. I don't mean like all the time, but I mean like if somebody's saying they never ever ever have a rupture, like that for me is not like green frag, green frag, like something to aim towards. And the reason that I that that I say that is not to normalize kind of again, this comes down to what our nervous system has has normalized. Not from this place of because I'm expecting like drama on all of this, although my nervous system absolutely did and sometimes didn't ring alarm bells when something was toxic because it it was normal. So that's one thread to look at. But another thread to look at is actually thinking that um it's always like bad if some if like there's ruptures. Um, you know what I said about something's won't ring alarm bells. I want to talk about a nuance here that we don't talk about enough, is that um some people have been taught to any sign of kind of conflict or friction, any kind any like rupture is something to run away from. So they put on this pedestal this is a green light if somebody has a relationship where there's never rupture, and they'll really aspire to that and really feel inspired by people who say that they never argue and all of that. Now I'm not saying again there's nuance to this. There are some people that have really, really done the work on themselves from being in relationships that weren't healthy, that they found somebody that they're really, really compatible with. And so there just really isn't very often rupture, like it's it, it's it's just it's just not really like coming up, and in that case, that that's not what I'm talking about. That that's different. There are there are of course cases of of that. I don't want anybody to be like, oh my gosh, like I'm me and my partner, never argue and all of that. Like, like, should I be concerned? Not necessarily. However, the nuanced piece to this for me is I'll often see people be like, oh, we we never argue and we never do this, but they're not feeling deeply fulfilled and they're not feeling deeply met. And nobody, you know, is gonna live in a state where they're they're constantly feeling fully met and all of that. But there needs to be this, I guess, like baseline is what I'm gonna say. Um, where you do feel like in the dynamic there is this kind of reciprocity um where both parties can like thrive and be doing well and like and all of that. So, what I mean by I don't put see it as like a green flag when somebody's like we never argue and all of this, as I say, occasionally, depending on the dynamic, sometimes it is. But for me, if anything, I'm like, huh. Hmm. And the reason that I say that is because the amount of people that I've known where their relationship came to an ending, one party decided, often the woman, that she could no longer do it because there was this there wasn't this fulfillment, she wasn't fully met, often there was a disproportionate amount of mental and emotional labour on her that wasn't seen. And you know, sometimes they've really fought and they've had like arguments and all of that, but often what I also see is there wasn't a lot of arguments, and like they in society will be like, Oh, you must be good because you don't argue, you don't do this, and often what I see is that there's a dynamic where they're so frightened of tension and friction and conflict, and one person is really suppressing parts of themselves and not being fully authentic, they might not even be consciously aware of this. So, yes, they're not arguing, yes, there isn't rupture in that case, but there's internal rupture within them of them, they don't feel like fully chosen, they don't feel fully supported, but to society, it's like green flag, you know, because society is really like demonized um ruptures and people getting dysregulated, but the human is designed to get dysregulated, and also we want to create relationships where we're not living in constant dysregulation because we're so overwhelmed and and we're not met, and that's where it really comes down to the systemic stuff, and I just think we're not talking about that enough. So, how this how this shows up is uh often when we're you know dating or we're meet somebody, things that maybe wouldn't actually be good for us, things that are maybe not compatible for us, they're not actually ringing alarm bells. Like they're not they're not actually like they're not flagging up, so we end up in the same pattern again and again and again. And unless we're really like, I don't want this thing because a parent, one of your parents was like this, or a family member was like this, so you're actively not like looking for that, and that can sometimes cause another extreme of something else that becomes problematic, then we're not seeing the signs, and and then we get accused of like why did you choose a partner like that? She chose wrong, I wouldn't put up with that, and honestly, like I kind of cringe, but up until recently, I maybe wouldn't have said that, but on in some way, shape, or form, like I didn't see how this was so insidious. Um myself, and I've I see now like how many you know mistakes I have made when I've talked about these things and kind of explained these things and this subtle message from society where it's like I don't know, and it this particularly in the in the spiritual community, because we're kind of taught like you know, you somehow attracted it or whatever, but it's like it's not that these are so deeply rooted, like they're so systemic. So when I talked about like men are trained to to kind of center themselves, what this looks like is from very young age, when it's so in the fabric of society that that we don't that we don't see it. Um men are taught that um their anger is understandable, but their sadness is weakness, which can create dynamics where um the women take on the emotional labour of trying to please the men and taking on emotional labour of like it is their job to control the emotional temperature of the environment because it is more acceptable, you know, for him to be angry, but it's not acceptable for him to necessarily be sad, so that's kind of pushed down. Um, which can really show up is a lot of men, and this of course shows up in women as well, but in a masculine that can be emotionally avoidant, so he learns not to attune, and the women are learned to over-attune. So this creates a fawning dynamic, and then it creates women in relationships where she may not speak up about her needs because she has been taught it's like I call it like train tolerance. She has been trained to tolerate things so that when she's dating and you know, when she's in friendships and maybe even in work environment, things aren't ringing necessarily alarm bells. So there might be like resistance and all of that, but she has been trained to take on the lip and how this kind of shows up as and like I I cringe, this only hit hit me recently where I'm seeing so much. Um, the episode two weeks ago, I talk about like having an awakening thing, and I see things now that I can't unseen. Honestly, like I'm seeing things now that make me want to kind of delete episodes from the podcast because I'm like, oh gosh, like I've added to this without realizing. So I can hope you can just forgive me for my imperfectness. And again, that's a sign of me taking on the um you know, the labour there of trying to get this right, but also that is important labour, like of looking and reflecting where we maybe didn't get things right and the accountability there. We do need that in society. Um, but I will something that I would say, and I do think this is this is still important, but I'm now oh my gosh, having this aworking of seeing how this is problematic, of um saying things like you know, to women um around like communication and stuff, and of course, communication is so important, but saying things like to women, like you know, people you know can't read your mind. Now, I still think that's really, really important. I think that's still really, really important to communicate your stuff and your needs, right? This is like a complex thing, but there's a nuanced piece to that where it's actually training men to still keep centering themselves to not take accountability, and what we see is how this plays out. Like, basically, I'm happy to help, quote unquote help, just tell me what to do. And what that does is it trains them to never have to look, to notice, to never take on their mental and emotional labor, and then they get frustrated and then they get angry, and then and I'm not making any of this okay, but then women blame themselves, and then they feel scared of that conflict, they feel scared of that rupture. The amount of people, the women that I know, they really, really struggle when their partners don't like something and they're in a bad mood. Like it that's the thing that does ring alarm bells, like their nervous system will be like fix, like they don't like it, um, and all of that. And and also there's an there's an again a complexity to nuance piece of this if you have been in situations where the anger was unsafe, not as in anger's unsafe in itself, but somebody's dysregulation, their anger and rage led to either physical or emotional um hurt was caused. So then that makes sense. But women are often taught that their anger, and this isn't like it's not like somebody directly will say it, although they might, but it's like this subtle message of a a girl's anger is too much, it's inconvenient. Where for boys it's often seen as like passion, like boys will be boys. Um boys are often taught from a very, very young age somebody else will handle the details, and where girls are often taught to really, really focus, you know, on their looks and on their appearances and and all of that, and these things are so subtle we don't realise. And you might be like, Yeah, no, I'm definitely not teaching that uh to my children, but even if you're not, it's in this fabric of society. Um like often it's not ringing alarm bells for us that um like we're that I don't know Christmas Day comes around and dad doesn't seem to know like what people have been bought, but mum knows it all. Like that's not ringing alarm bells. Like there are so many so many things like dynamics that we don't that we don't realize. It's like it can be trained in us that um dad doesn't attune, dad doesn't notice these things, but mum will compensate. The women will compensate like we don't as a child we're not gonna flag that. And I saw this with my own kids. They would be like, Dad works really hard, dad goes away, dad does this, and they would like say to me, you know, even though like I've always you know had like businesses and all of that, because I did those things from home, they didn't like they didn't see us. So this is like even more shows up that if you if you have a mother that doesn't have a business or doesn't have a job that she goes to outside of the home, like often kids they're basically taught, we're all taught to basically that care work that running a home is not labor, that it is invisible. So then if men actually come and do stuff, it is Sarah's like, oh, they're doing even more work. They are quote unquote helping. And the phrase that we even have that they're helping basically shows the insidiousness of this because basically it's this underlying message in the fabric that it is the woman's job, it is it is the women's jobs, and I know some music listeners, like, I know this cursey, like you're preaching to the choir, like this is so like like like yeah, but I'm just I can speak from just personal experience and from working with women on this. Of like, often we don't even realize we do not have the same expectations on the men in our lives, on our fathers, on grandfathers and stuff. Like it's very socially acceptable. Like I see women, so it's not like, oh yeah, my dad doesn't know how to interact with the kids, he he wouldn't know what to do, and we don't question that, so then no wonder it makes sense that we end up in partnerships where we're also not met. Because if we're not questioning that, and we don't realise that we have had much higher expectations on the women in our lives than we have on men for women to shop, so again, that puts even more thing on all of our relationships, you know, because there's so much more expectations on women, and when we do not value care work and and raising a home and mental and emotional labour, and we don't even see it as labor, we just see it as something that somebody else will take care of, and usually that someone ends up a woman, but as a child we don't see it, we don't value it, we don't even like the word labour because we are conditioned that this should just come from unconditional love, and that it's that it's not work, it's just what mum does, and that's what a good mother would do, and that's what a good mum. Would do, but actually, the reality is it leads to we know we've got like ridiculous rates of women suffering with chronic illness, like burnout, and then this really shows up when we get by the time you get to perimenopause, menopause, and all of that, just fried nervous systems, and then what happens is then when she's struggling with life and parenting and all of that, she'll often be blamed, and it's just really as I say, insidious. And I just really wanted to talk about it because again, another way that this kind of shows up where men and don't even realize they've been taught to center themselves is they have this experience as home should be a place of rest. And yes, I believe that too. I believe we should be able to rest in our homes. But women are taught home is a place of contribution. And it's not like somebody directly says that to you, but you just you just see it with the how the dynamics play out. Like you see it all the time. They get home from work if they, and you know, it's very socially acceptable. You know, they've been they've been working all day, so they should be able to rest now, they should be able to watch the football, they should be able to go to the pub, like whatever it is, that might not be the dynamic that that shows up. But like people will be like, well, yeah, of course, they've been working. But that doesn't we know this that even if a woman has a job outside of the home, she doesn't take on any less emotional mental labor. Usually she ends up taking on more. And it both people lose. So whether somebody's working full-time in the home or they've got a job outside of the home, they both lose. And we've got this war on what I see is mothers also judging other moms. So the ones that don't work outside of the home, they're taught to kind of judge the mums that do, and the ones that work outside of the home and work in the home, they're also judging. Like I see this of like, well, she's you know, she doesn't know what it's like, she doesn't have to juggle this, that, and the other. But it's like if you are a stay-at-home mum, and I know some people don't like that that that framing, I personally don't have have have an issue with it, but like everything, there's complexities. But if you are a stay-at-home mum, like for me, like I just feel like that's so so so hard, and like it it just never ever never stops. Like I feel like that work is so, so, so hard. And I also feel like the work of juggling, of working outside the home and in the home is so hard. Like, I just think they both have it equally hard, but in in different ways. Like, and again, even that kind of conversation we know again, so that often if she has a job outside of the home, she will have to work her hours round school hours, or um, find childcare to take the kids to and from school. If there's an inset day, if the six weeks' holidays, it is usually not always, but defaulted to her disordered. And this is just very socially accepted, and this is what we're taught makes us a good mom. But if a father was to do the same, he would be taught as a hero. We are not, maybe now we are, but when we started dating and stuff, we often didn't question that. And until we start questioning these dynamics, and that kind of flags up for us things don't change. So the question to ask yourself is even if you can be like, oh my dad was great, love my dad to bit if you're really, really honest with yourself, was he like uh when it comes to emotional and mental labour, and this isn't about like judgment, this isn't about blame, but was him, were there men in your life did they take like did they see it as is their job to really contribute into that way? Like, how emotionally available were they for your emotional needs or physically available? Where were they around? Were they present? Because this isn't me shitting on the men in my life growing up, but the men in my life about one, and this is where it gets a little bit dark for me, none of them were available but the one that groomed me, and that's where it gets dark because when we don't um sort of flag up that um men that aren't like emotionally, mentally available, and we don't see healthy dynamics of that, it can lead us into, and I'm you know, I'm not talking about myself or blaming myself because I was a child. But how this can show up is in really dire ways. So, what can happen is, you know what I said about our nervous system not ringing alarm bells. What can happen is we can do one or two things. We can end up in relationships with people who don't see that work, they don't see from your point of view because they're taught to center themselves and they don't see what the big deal is, and then they think they generally think that you're just going on, that you're just nagging or whatever. And and some men know, and there's a weaponizing competence that they they have no intentions of learning these things because they got somebody else will pick up the pieces, but for some, like it isn't it isn't malice, like they don't realize. But if we are not trained to look for it, but we're just trained for tolerance, we will end up in relationships with people who we have to take on more emotional and mental labor, and this can show up in all areas of our lives. So I had a realization that I was so trained to take on so much emotional and mental labor, it wasn't even just showing up anymore with expecting less from men, it even had leaked into my female friendships, where I realized that even in my female friendships, I would take on a disproportionate amount of emotional labor. Oh fuck. Um that's an awakening that I had this year that has not been pretty. And like it just wasn't it just wasn't pretty. And really working to like undo that again, like the alchemy work, because I just I'm not interested in being in in relationships anymore. Like my like my standards have like been raised where there isn't receptivity like like emotionally, and I just didn't realise how those imbalances were like showing out in so many areas of my life because if we're trained for certain certain things, we're not going to to realise. So for me, this wasn't even just showing up anymore in as I say, in relationships with men, it was showing up in all areas of my life. And now what's happened is, and some this is what we don't talk about sometimes when you do alchemy work that it is uncomfortable because now what's happening is alarm bells are going off. And I don't mean alarm bells as in like necessarily dysregulation, but as in things are flagging up. Where now I'm like, oh, I can see there's already a dynamic where this isn't receptivity when it comes to say emotional labor, which which is uncomfortable, you know, because it's a lot easier, not easier because eventually it kicks us in the ass, but easier in terms of if nothing's kind of flagging up and there's this unconscious, like I was gonna say denial. Denial's not the right, well, maybe it's a denial is the right word because um we we don't see it, but it doesn't feel like the right word because it's not it's not like we're lying to ourselves. It uh as I say, it's unc unconscious denial, but as I say, denial doesn't feel quite right because it's not like we're telling ourselves a story, it is just not registering because what we've been registered to do is to unconsciously adapt and to make it right, and rather than kind of be like, I maybe shouldn't be in relationship with this person, friendship or otherwise. Um I just feel like we have to start um we we have to become aware of those dynamics so that it even if it's uncomfortable and even if it's hard from very early on, whether it's a friendship, whether it's dating, like whatever dynamic it is, could be like with work colleagues or whatever, we don't unconsciously set up a dynamic, a framework where we take on a disproportionate amount of emotional mental labor, where there can be a dynamic for another party to start like weaponizing competence and kind of all of that. And if you are trained that you should be able to do it all and you should be able to handle it all, what happens is women um are often taught to criticize and to blame themselves and just be like, I should be able to handle this, I should be able to do more. They are trained to go inwards, and we see this in society where women will blame themselves, but also we love to blame women. We see this again, where again, this is the dark side of it. Men are taught that their pleasure and like sexual needs, like they're entitled to it. So when we see dynamics of where, you know, women have been sexually assaulted, she is blamed. She had too much to drink, she dressed this way, she gave him the idea, like whatever it is, like she's blamed.
SPEAKER_00:Women are trained to attack themselves, to blame themselves. Men are trained to blame the other party.
SPEAKER_02:I had this situation this year, I think I've talked about it maybe a little bit, but where um my my son was walking home from school and um a couple of boys like you know, like pulled his bag off and like just was like there was some like bullying shit. And I had to deal with the the dad and he basically tried to tell me that it were that it was nothing, um, and basically just boys being boys and that I was blowing it out of proportion, and my good god, did I go down on this dude so fucking hard? Like, because but a lot of women won't do that, and again, we're not blaming women here because often it is literally not safe to, but sometimes actually it is safe to, and we do need to call men out, and but if we're wired to just not say anything and to to tolerate it, and we think them not liking it is dangerous, and of course, as I said, sometimes it is. We're not blaming women here, but if but we have to now learn to train our nervous system, um that conflict isn't always dangerous, and friction and tension and them not liking it. And this dude walked away with his tail between his legs, like and I'm just like and I haven't had to deal with any of his shit anymore, and and I see this show up in in in marriages and stuff where they're like oh he's in a bad mood, and everybody circles around, and he doesn't realise because in his head he's been taught to send him out of like, oh, I've been working, I've been doing this. Home should be a place to now relax and rest, and she is taught to feel guilty about that.
SPEAKER_00:Um rather than no no no, stop being entitled, you need to contribute, like you don't just get to clock off when you finish, and I don't ever get to clock off.
SPEAKER_02:And this is what I see happening because we don't value care work and looking after the home. If she doesn't have a job outside of the home, and because we don't value that, she never gets the clock off. So she ends up doing so much more, and yet nobody's valuing that. It's like the erasure of care work, like of seeing it, of of the mental work, of the emotional work. And if she works outside of the home, this also shows up because she still does just as much, but because we erase its value, it's seen as no big deal. Why is she complaining?
SPEAKER_00:Like I don't see what the issue is. Like it's it's hideous. Men are taught that um provision means being emotionally present.
SPEAKER_02:So working, getting status means you are providing relational presence, rational provision. But as women, we know that's not not the case.
SPEAKER_00:Like we are taught to adapt, to attune to other people. Men are taught to conquer.
SPEAKER_02:And here's the thing like I talk about the feminine and masculine dynamics. We do need both. I don't mean like conquering, but like um we do need to at times like achieve certain things. Like I talked about this, I think, last week. Of like sometimes we do need to achieve certain things. This isn't about shitting on any of them. This is why actually I talk about feminine and masculine dynamics, not to take us backwards, but to just see that the energies are different. But for me, the I talk about them because rightly or wrongly, we have been conditioned differently, and because we need both, and actually, when we can work these two together, like we can all thrive, and I really, really believe in that. And we also need to look at you know um other differences, so like you know, I I bleed every month, my husband doesn't, like, I have a different sort of way that my energy, you know, rises and and falls, and like all of these things, right or wrong, there are differences between how men and women are raised, how they are conditioned, and this is why I really believe in in feminine and masculine dynamics and and work. And I like I say this all the time, but it for me it is it's recognizing that those energies exist, and we all have both of those energies, and it's like we need to be bringing them in in a balanced way, and I really, really believe that generally, as a rule of thumb, when women are leading more from their feminine energy, they do better, and when men are leading more from a masculine energy, they do better. But when I say that, I mean a healthy feminine energy, not what we've been conditioned like trained tolerance, and a healthy masculine energy from the man, which means you don't get this um um imbalance where the the woman is trained to tolerate certain things. And men are taught to not see. Certain things and to think that providing and provision is this health, this like really unhealthy shit that they don't even see. But because we don't see it, we end up with these dynamics on both sides that hurt. So when I talk about feminine and masculine dynamics, I am talking about actually ending systemic stuff and patterns where we can't all thrive. And also acknowledging where, even though when I talk about feminine and masculine, I'm talking about energies that we all have, but I'm also talking about things that are literal like biological differences. We do also need to acknowledge those things. Like they're also important, you know, providing that's that's applicable, you know, in mine and Tony's relationship, that is it is applicable. Like there is so much there that we need to acknowledge. We also need to um also look at where we are taught things that are harmful, like um, so I think actually I'm not gonna go into any of this anymore. I'm gonna talk about maybe it's this next week. I'm gonna leave it here, but I want to talk about next week about internalized misogyny and sisterhood wounds and stuff, and again, how that ends up showing up. So I'm gonna leave it, gonna leave it here. But what I want you to do is I want you to like reflect on everything I I've said and just see the things that you have been trained to to not see, things you've been trained to to tolerate. And and this isn't about blaming yourself, as I say, I can't say that enough, and it also isn't about um blaming people that you're in relationships with, and like this is not what that's about. Um it's a because like that doesn't help. We have to see that this is like systemic. For most people, this isn't malicious. But when you see these dynamics, sometimes it can be hard, sometimes there can be um, there can be a grief. But after the the awakening, after the grief, we can start creating change if we're willing to see it. It's not pretty, it's not pretty having this awakening, having these realizations. As I said, I'm recording this in 2025. 2025 was a year of so many awakenings, so much, so many realizations. I mean, it was the year of the snake, um, so much sort of alchemy. And I'll be honest with you, it is it is it has not been pretty a lot of a lot of a lot of the times, because you know, awakenings often often aren't. Um but anyway, I'm gonna wrap it up here. I just really want you to contemplate on how this dynamic is is showing up for you and in your relationships so that we can start addressing this at the root. Anyway, I will be back next week with another podcast episode. I will chat to you then. Bye.