Truth & Transformation

CONTEXT, BOUNDARIES, AND THE ART OF HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

• Kirsty Dee • Season 5 • Episode 37

Share episode

Ever felt the whiplash between over-explaining yourself and refusing to say anything at all? I'm digging into the messy middle—where a little context can protect your boundaries and strengthen your closest relationships. This isn’t about justifying your choices or handing over your power. It’s about clear, concise communication that stops unhelpful stories before they start.

I unpack why the popular mantra “no is a complete sentence” is both helpful and, at times, quietly harmful. For people recovering from people-pleasing, it’s a lifeline. But when applied to partners, kids, close friends or trusted colleagues, total silence can feel like a wall. You’ll hear a practical example of setting a boundary with a family member: a few heartfelt lines that shifted a tense dynamic into support, without debate or over-explaining. That small, strategic dose of context became an act of care—connection without collapse.

I explore the biology behind why this works. The brain hates uncertainty and fills gaps with guesses, which often become drama. Offering a short, grounded explanation reduces confusion and prevents resentment. You’ll learn how to pair vulnerability with self-trust: speak it once, stop selling it and let actions reveal the next step. If your truth is honoured, lean in. If it’s dismissed, step back and set a boundary that doesn’t require anyone else to change. Along the way, we address old wounds of silence, the trap of over-functioning and the importance of discernment—who has earned your context and who hasn’t.

If you’re ready to build relationships that feel secure and honest, press play. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs this reframe and leave a review if you enjoyed this episode.

More from me and to book a 1:1 session go to KirstyDee.com

Text the show. Ask a question 😁

SPEAKER_00:

This is season five of the Truth and Transformation Podcast. This is a podcast all on living a life wildly authentic to you. It's raw, it's real, it's vulnerable, it's explicit, it's unedited. I'm your host, Kirsty D. Let's go. Hello, hello, hello, lovelies. So today I've got an episode for you that is really impromptu. This happens every now and again, where I won't plan on recording a certain episode. And then my intuition is like, talk about this. This is important to talk about. There are people who need to hear this episode, and my intuition will just be like really loud. And I'll have seen like a collective sort of wound play out, and it just gets louder and louder and louder, and to the point where I'm like, okay, we need to speak about this. And that is what I'm gonna speak about today. I'm gonna speak about explaining yourself. And I know some people, as soon as I say explaining yourself, they're like, ugh, I don't like that. And this sort of, I'm just gonna be honest, like this immature side can come out, and because we have a certain connotation with what it means to explain yourself, and often it can it can make us feel like a child who has to explain something, and what I want to say is that is not what I mean, but actually, if we think that's what we that what somebody means, there might be some wounding there that perhaps needs addressing, but all of us actually there will be times that we will need to explain ourselves, and a lot of people don't like that, and as adults think, well, I don't have to explain myself, and you're right, you don't have to, but there is an immaturity to that, and yes, there are certain things that you don't have to explain yourself on, and actually you never do, but it could be problematic. Now I know this is like going against the grain, and I want to just say there's so much nuance here, and there's so much complexity, and I'm trying to I'm gonna try my best to get into the nuances and the complexity of this because it is such an important topic. Because, as I say, I'm seeing this play out in the collective, and it is not serving us, and it's negatively impacting our relationships. So when I say explaining yourself, I mean sometimes there are times to give more context and to just have this attitude of I don't need to explain myself does not always serve you, and quite often it does not serve you, and quite often it's going to be problematic. Are there situations that it will absolutely 100 million percent serve you? Absolutely, and I'm gonna try my best to get into explaining those times and those situations, but to have these very generic sayings like noise-acomplete sentence, etc. etc. etc. I really think is deeply problematic. Like it's never as black and white as that, and there may be situations where yes, that would that would serve. And I keep seeing this, and I'm just like, ah, we need to talk about this because that is not going to help you in some of your relationships. And I remember earlier this year, somebody um talking about a conflict they'd got in, and she was like, Well, I'm just not explaining myself, like I'm an adult sort of thing. But she was in a conflict, and her behavior and how she was dealing with it was really not healthy, but she thought explaining herself was, I don't know, like fawning or people pleasing, but it was actually just accountability, it was actually just healthy communication. It and there was like a wound there around ever having to explain herself, and none of us like it, but there will be times when you maybe need to explain something, you maybe need to give more context, and I just don't think we're having that conversation enough, and I just keep seeing like these two extremes, and that's the first extreme of like never explaining yourself, and when I say explaining yourself, I mean not giving more context, and sometimes for you to resolve something, for you to have a healthy relationship, for the other person to understand something because they can't read your mind, you're going to have to explain a little bit, right? And this isn't, you know, you being tread like a child. This is like having a mature, healthy, beautiful relationship. And that part, I just don't think gets talked about enough. Like you will be required at times, and I know some people don't like this saying, but you will be required at times to explain yourself. And I am not talking about in this really dysfunctional way where somebody's talking down to you and you know, basically trying to get you to doubt yourself and to question yourself and explain things that don't need to be explained. There are times when absolutely no is a complete sentence, your boundary doesn't need to be explained, you don't need to give an explanation. Absolutely, there are absolutely times for that, but there are certain relationships where that extreme and just that black and white thinking of that approach is right for all situations, is is not gonna serve you, and and I see people doing this, so that's the one extreme, people who do that, and the other extreme, and why sayings like you know, no is a complete sentence and all that got born out of, is because a lot of women do have the conditioning of over-explaining themselves and not being able to say no without listing like a bunch of reasons and and justifying it and being like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, and like as if them setting a boundary is like this big inconvenience, right? So, again, we're not talking about that. Like when you are embodied in yourself and you're embodied in your feminine power, you don't need to do that. You can say no, and you can set a boundary, and you don't need to go into all these justifications and all this over-explaining. And that's what I want to talk to you about today of finding this really beautiful, like, middle, and there isn't actually a middle because there's no one way that's going to be right for every situation, but it's basically you being so rooted in yourself, you know when you actually need to give more context and you need to explain a little bit more rather than this rigid thinking of I never need to explain more. And you know, when you don't, and you just have to be able to learn to. So I remember there was a family member that I needed to say no to something and I needed to set some boundaries, and I knew they weren't gonna like it, and I knew they were gonna be upset about the situation, and not because they were being an asshole or anything like that, but because I knew they were going to create a story around me saying no and around me having this boundary. Because some people will, because, and to be fair, we've all done this, right? None of us are immune to this. We somebody has said something and we've created this like whole narrative when actually it doesn't have anything to do with that. You're gonna meet people in life that due to their experiences and what they've been through, that sometimes, and just because of their lens and because of their conditioning, they're not always gonna understand, right? And the nuance piece to this is you have to learn to be okay with being misunderstood. I've talked about that a lot in in like throughout various different episodes. The nuance that I want to place here is sometimes though, just giving a bit of context, just explaining a little bit, the whole dynamic could change in a really beautiful way. And if you have this thing of, well, I'm not gonna explain myself and I don't need to like justify it or anything like that. And this isn't about justifying it, it is about creating a foundation so that you can have the best relationship with somebody you care about. I'm not talking about just random Tom, Dick, and Harries, right? That is when you just say no and you don't have to explain it. I am talking about maybe a family member that you really care about. I'm talking about maybe your partner. I'm talking about maybe your child. I'm talking about a work colleague that you really care about. Maybe a neighbor, like whatever. I am talking about people that it would benefit you to give some context because humans are wired to create stories even if they're not true. And your context is not about over-explaining yourself, it is about connection, it is about understanding, it is about people feeling like they matter. It is I'm gonna say kindness at times, and I'm not talking about this nice girl thing, as I say, like people pleasing, all of that. I mean, think about times in your life where if people had just give a little bit more context, I'm not talking about, as I said, overexplaining. You wouldn't have created the narrative, the narrative or the story that you did. And yes, we all have to be responsible for that, but we're going against biology, and that's not gonna work because the human mind is designed to fill in blanks and to create stories, and so many people, you know, have that and have that conditioning, and yes, you're not responsible for that, but for me, if if I can just say a little bit that can change a dynamic and give somebody that security and create that stability, like both of us win from that, and the reason that we are walking around with all like unstable, insecure relationships is because we're not doing that because we're like we've gone to this other extreme of like, I don't have to explain myself, I just say no, I just do this, and it's like I don't see enough people talking about that is not serving you, and a lot of the people who say these things, not all of them, but like you might not want their relationship. And as I say, it like with this friend, like earlier this year, I was like, okay, this is not healthy, and nothing to do with this situation, like we are no longer friends because this person didn't handle situations in a very healthy way, and that was very much their their attitude of not looking, like not being accountable, just like I should never have to explain myself. So I'm gonna bring this back to the family member that this situation it came about with, and it just it just changed things like so much. So, as I said, I like set a boundary, I was saying no to something. And I felt a bit stressed about the whole thing because I knew they were gonna create this whole meaning around what this meant, and I just felt into that pressure and I felt into that dynamic, and I didn't go into over-explaining. But what I did do is I just give them a little bit more context, and it was ended up being such a beautiful experience, and I basically just I sent them a message, and I basically just said to them, I can't remember exactly what I said to them, but it was something along the lines of um I'm trying to think because it was so long ago, but basically that I care about our relationship, and I need to prioritize this thing, and if I don't, like I know I'm basically going to be stressed, and then I'll have this resentment, and I don't want that because I really care about our relationship, but this thing matters to me. Now, some people would be like, that's overexplaining, you don't need to give all of that, right? But I tell you what happened, and I know this is not going to happen in every situation, some people are gonna take that and weaponize that, so I don't want to say it. This this context, context, you got another person you're dealing with. But I knew this person would care, but they just wouldn't have thought about it because this person that I was dealing with, they they go into like I was gonna say they go into, but they live in survival mode, and that survival mode, which isn't their fault, creates all these stories that people don't care. And I cared about this person, and I knew that's what would happen. Their brain would create that story, and they didn't they don't have the skill set to to see it differently, but I knew they care, and it wasn't a lack of caring. So I said this, and what happened is they were like, oh my gosh, of course, you do that thing, like I'm rooting for you, go you right, and all it took was a couple of sentences on Messenger for the whole dynamic to change for them to understand because I give a bit more context, and I didn't have this like oh they're gonna grid this narrative, which I've had in the past and it's been so stressful, and I felt unseen because I'm just like, why don't they get that this is not about them? And I've and I just had this like epiphany moment. I'm like, so just tell them, just give them some context, tell them how you feel. You can do it in this really honouring way, and the words that I used were better than what what I've just said to you there. As I said, I can't remember the exact words I used, but I'd I'd framed it in a way that I I knew they would get because it was true, and it was wrought beautifully, and it was wrought from like a heart-centered place. As I say, this isn't gonna be relevant, and this isn't going to apply to every situation. Some situations, it is that is going to be you over-explaining. That is not going to serve. But I think about like in my marriage and you know, with my kids and things like that, there has been times when I have given more context and I have shared my heart, and it has created a much deeper bond and a much deeper understanding. And this is what the embodied divine feminine does. She's not afraid to be vulnerable and she's not afraid to let people in and to give more context, not just with anybody, by the way, not just with any, as I said, Tom, Dick, and Harry, but that vulnerability of being able to say, you know, this matters, and here's why, and this is how I'm feeling, whatever it is, is such a beautiful skill and a superpower that a lot of people have lost that. Like, I don't want to say, like, this hurt me or this upset me, or I don't like this. And this, this wounding around, like, I'm just not gonna tell them. They should just, they should just know, or I shouldn't have to explain it, or whatever. And it's like, that isn't helping you. That isn't helping you. And if I had done that, like, I just wouldn't have the relationships and the things that I that I do have. And going back to the other side of this, I have been like healing and processing and alchemizing a situation that happened to me as a child. And this situation that happened was deeply painful, but it wasn't so much the situation that happened, it was what didn't happen. And what didn't happen is I was left without any answers, and nobody came to me and said this is what's happening and this is what's going on, and uh still to this day I don't know, and I won't ever be able to find out those answers, hence why I'm healing around the wound that's there, and hence why maybe this episode feels so important to talk about. But if somebody had just came to me and just give me a little bit of context, because as a child, I went away and had to fill in the blanks. But this doesn't stop as a child. As adults, we do this. Have you ever, I don't know, saw somebody and they didn't speak to you, and you've like, oh gosh, what have I done? Have I upset them? Um I don't know, like somebody didn't get back to you about something. Like, I bet there has been situations that you have created stories and it isn't that. And I think about this because there's been a couple of times this year where I've seen somebody that I know, and I haven't stopped and spoke to them because I've had like I've been in a rush or whatever, right? One day um I was literally like desperate for a pee, and I was like, I cannot stop and speak to you because I really need to pee. So I kind of like just rushed past and sort of hoped they didn't see me. And then I had this thought, I was like, oh gosh, what if they did see me? And then they're like, What's going on with her? Why should you stop talking? She's being rude, right? And the reason I say that is because I've created those stories before. I have done that, I have been that person, but I've also had that done to me where somebody has created a story around me, and they could that person could have just needed to fucking pee, like I did, and I was like, I am literally busting for the toilet. I can't stop talk because like I'm actually in pain. I need to pee. But how often do we do this kind of thing? And I'm not saying that in those situations you should stop and explain. Like that would be awkward. Imagine stopping and be like, I can't talk, I can't talk. Like, I I I need to pee, and then you pretty like you pretty much pee yourself. Like, no, there are certain things where you have to just let people, if they do, create a narrative, create a narrative. And if somebody is really secure and they've done the work, they're not they're not gonna do that. They're gonna be like, I'm sure there's an explanation and it has nothing to do with me. But you've got the majority of society that often will create stories, and I'm not talking, as I say, you know, this over-explaining to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. I am talking about people that just need a little bit more context and people that you really care about. And I'm not talking about overdoing it. So for myself, if there's something that like I will have the vulnerability to say if I'm unhappy or I don't like something, right? But I won't go on about it. I won't over-function, I won't over-explain, I won't outsource my power, I won't try and convince them, right? That that is the thing that we do need to come away from. So I will tell somebody, and then what they do with it is up to them. I'm not gonna keep going on about it, right? That is wounded feminine shit. I will say it, I will say how I feel, and then I will wait and see what happens. And if they continue doing something that my body's like, oh, that doesn't feel good, it is on me to then set a boundary and decide what I'm gonna do. And my boundary doesn't require them to change at all. Because waiting for somebody else to change is again like wounded shit. But if I don't ever tell them how I feel, if I ever don't give some context, if I ever don't explain, then I'm part of the problem. But I won't go on, I will say it, and then that will be it. And I'm not gonna try and convince you. And I that's the other extreme, as I say that I see if people like trying to make somebody get it, and trying to like overfunctioning and trying to say it in a way that the person gets it. Like you can't, like, you can't live your life like that. But also the other extreme of never explaining when it could really deeply serve the relationship and the circumstance, as I said, depending on the situation, depending on who we're talking about. You know, as I say, I'm talking about people that you really care about, people who are in your close circle. I'm not talking about like acquaintances, you know, like that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about really great relationships. There is an intimacy, there is a vulnerability, there is a this is how I feel. This is what I would want. This is what matters to me. You have to let people in. And there is a vulnerability, I'm not gonna lie, there is a risk that they could not care, not play ball. And does that suck? Yes, but really beautiful, authentic relationships are built because there is that vulnerability, there is that intimacy. Now, not everybody has the right to that. Not everybody, so for instance, if I share something with somebody and that really matters to me, and then they don't take that on board, you can guarantee I'm pulling back. And I'm setting some sort of boundary, a boundary that doesn't require them to change, but I'm gonna I'm gonna assess the level of relationship I have with that person. And if it's something really big coming up for me and my body's like, no, no, no, no, no, I may completely walk away from our relationship, or I may just love them from a complete distance. But if I'm never ever willing to go, this matters to me, or this hurt, or I didn't like this, if I'm never willing to explain or give context or to say why a boundary is so important to me, like I lose, I miss out. There is no winners in that, you know. Like I keep going on about like the feminine work, but the feminine's power is in her willingness to be vulnerable, and she can be vulnerable because she has self-trust and because she knows she's gonna be okay, and because she's not outsourcing her power on when they change. She's not needing to over-explain, but there is a explaining in terms of communication, and explaining might not be the correct word, but I don't know a better word because it's also more than communication. Sometimes it is explaining, it is it is filling in the blanks so that you can actually have intimacy, so somebody can actually understand you. Now there are going to be people who will never understand you and have no intentions of understanding you. This isn't reserved for those people. Those people don't get the context. But there are people that if you would just let in a bit more, if you would just bare your heart a little bit more, that it would positively benefit you if you could be with that vulnerability. And there are absolutely people to not do that with. So this is about having discernment and it's it's paying attention. Like when you share those parts, what happens next? And as I say, if there is no change, you don't try and convince them, you don't go over it again, you don't try and keep overfunctioning and find a different angle for them to understand. No, I'm gonna keep saying it, that is wounded feminine stuff, but also wounded feminine and wounded communication is this. I don't have to explain anything that is like going from one extreme to the other, and it's kind of like um going into like a wounded, like masculine energy of like avoidance. I'm not letting anybody in, like I'm not gonna be vulnerable. I'm like putting a wall up, and that's it. And I see people do this all the time. It's like my way, the highway, they should just know I'm not gonna tell them that that thing upset me or it. Like this, or hiding behind this thing of like, I don't want to say anything because I want to keep the peace. There is actually no peace. The peace is requires you to suppress something. It's it's really this basis of round um you can't actually be with what it might bring up. You can't actually be with the conflict. But whilst you're hiding behind that, you can't actually have a healthy relationship with this person. We can lie to ourselves and pretend that we can and like that there's this peace thing, but there's actually not. There's actually not because it's really reliant on you not ruffling any feathers. Again, hence why I did that episode on like being with you know the conflict and all of that and being misunderstood. But this is like another layer to that. If you really want to be in that like embodied feminine energy where you know your worth, where you can really have like these high standards so that you can have a really incredible relationship with other people, but also yourself. It's more about yourself than other people. Because actually, if you're abandoning yourself or you're not letting people in, which is another form of abandonment, um you're not going to have a great relationship with yourself because you know that you haven't advocated for yourself, or you have advocated for yourself, but it's still a form of abandonment, as in you've advocated for yourself by setting a boundary, etc., etc. etc. But the other person doesn't understand. Like I say, the family member who, had I not said anything, wouldn't have understood, but with just a little bit of extra, just a little explanation, the whole dynamic changed. So that's what I want to leave you with. How can you be more vulnerable with the people who have earned that right? And with the people that it's just not feeling right with. In that situation, it might be like you stop doing that and you stop trying to convince and you stop trying to get them to get it. This this is context-dependent. But I just know that some people needed to hear this today. So I want you to look at your communication. Are you too far one way where like you don't let people in that you're not vulnerable, or are you too far where you tell all the things and you wait for them to change and you're really vulnerable and like all of that, and you just keep trying to get them to get it. But actually, you need to stop explaining. And you need to be coming home to yourself and really looking at where maybe you're abandoning yourself and giving your power away on trying to get them to get it. So I'm gonna leave you with that, and I just want you to mull over it. I will be back next week with another podcast episode. I will speak to you then.