Truth & Transformation

RAGE INTO GOLD: EMOTIONAL ALCHEMY

• Kirsty Dee • Season 5 • Episode 35

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Ever wished your anger could do more than burn bridges? I dive into emotional alchemy—the practical art of turning heavy feelings into clear boundaries, grounded choices, and honest desire. Rather than chasing quick fixes or bypassing pain, we build a container where rage, grief, and fear can be felt fully, safely, and usefully. Think music rituals, movement to complete the stress cycle, and simple journalling to let the body speak before the mind explains.

I share how explosive emotions often sit on top of sadness and unmet needs, and why acknowledging that softer layer is the turning point. Rage isn’t a flaw; it’s a loving protector saying not okay. When we honour it without letting it run the show, the charge disperses and a deeper truth emerges: what we actually want. That focus point becomes the channel for your energy, shifting attention from avoiding hurt to moving toward love, fulfilment, and aligned action.

You’ll learn a repeatable practice: choose a song that matches the mood, root down through breath and body, feel without fixing, move to release, then write whatever is real. Go at your capacity—some processes complete in one sitting, others unfold over weeks. The goal is steadiness, not speed. Along the way we talk nervous system regulation, shadow work, the paradox of holding anger and joy together, and how desire clarity turns chaos into momentum.

If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the show. Ready for deeper support? Book a one-to-one alchemy session and let’s build your mind, body, and soul hygiene together.

For more & 1:1 sessions go to KirstyDee.com

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SPEAKER_00:

This is season five of the Truth and Transformation podcast. This is a podcast all on living a life wildly authentic to you. It's raw, it's real, it's vulnerable, it's explicit, it's unedited. I'm your host, Kirsty D. Let's go.

SPEAKER_01:

Hello, hello, hello, lovelies. Today we are going to talk about alchemy, probably my favorite topic, that and the divine feminine stuff. I mean alchemy is part of that, but we're gonna talk about alchemy. I'm gonna talk about me working through some rage and creating alchemy and just emotional alchemy stuff in general, and how that can be medicine and how you can use that to create the life you want, to create the things you want, to manifest it, to birth it, for you to become just like the living embodiment of the things that you desire. That's what we're gonna talk about today. So, alchemy is my thing. If you've been here a minute, you're gonna be like, I know Kirsty, you talk about it all the time. But I just believe every person should be doing regular alchemy work. You know, we we all know we've got to brush our teeth morning, night. We all know we need to have a shower, we all know we need to work out and we need to eat certain things for our bodies. But what we do not get taught is the importance of alchemy work, and we all need to do this. I call it like mind, body, soul sort of like hygiene, because life is going to like things are gonna happen in life, and people are gonna do things and say things, things that you can't control. And if we're not careful, we take on those things, and then we end up getting into a really shitty mindset. So, like, we need this for our mind, we also need it for our body because our body, again, we take on things and our nervous system gets dysregulated, and we can end up feeling anxious or just not satisfied, and definitely not fulfilled, and like so we need this for our body, and then also I see it as like your soul as well, so that we can live in alignment to our higher purpose. Of like, I really believe we all come here with a higher vision and a and a and a higher purpose than then often like we believe in ourselves, and not everybody not everybody steps into that because to step into that, you're gonna have to do some alchemy work. Because as I say, your your your mind will tell you, like your inner critic will tell you all these stories and all these things about yourself of what you can and can't do, and fears will come up and people might not like it. Listen to neck last week's episode if you haven't already, where we talk about like letting the external validation go. But like people will do all of that kind of thing, so then we never really fully live a life that is truly nourishing and truly rich and true to us. So that is why alchemy is so important. Everybody needs to be doing alchemy work, not because you're broken, not because you need fixing. It's like you don't brush your teeth because you're broken because you need fixing. You brush your teeth because you know if you don't brush your teeth, like you'll lose your teeth. You've got to brush your teeth. This is the same. It's not because you're broken, it's not because you need fixing, it's not because you're constantly hustling trying to get something and like not letting yourself to be human and have all the feels, it's because it is not good for you to not be doing some kind of alchemy work regularly. As I say, it's like mind, body, soul, work. Everybody needs to be in regular alchemy work. So, what I thought I would do in this episode is tell you some ideas of how you can do that, because there are a million different ways you can do alchemy work. Like, it's why I've got, you know, a program called Scorpio Slug, because that's one kind of alchemy, and then I've got a program called Alchemy Academy, because that's a different type of alchemy. I'm also bringing out a program when the book comes out called Purge the Past, which again is a different kind of alchemy. That's obviously about letting the past and like things go that don't serve you, right? There are all different types of alchemy, that's why I offer one-to-one alchemy session so we can dig into the kind of alchemy that you personally need. But I thought in this podcast episode that I would share one of the ways you can do alchemy work that you can do right now, today, on your own, because it's so so so powerful. So, emotional alchemy work is as I'm sure you would imagine, it's working with your emotions. And this is like so um, this is like one of like the kind of like foundational ways that you can do alchemy work. Um, because our emotions, we feel them. We all we all have emotions, we all have different feelings that kind of come up. Sometimes we feel sad, sometimes we feel angry, sometimes we're in grief, sometimes we maybe feel anxious, sometimes we might feel excited, like all of these things, unless you're in like shutdown survival mode where like you're not feeling anything, and that's you know, suppression of um stuff, but it's still there. The like the feels are still there, they've just been suppressed. So when we can start working with our emotions, and we can let all parts of us, because remember, alchemy isn't about trying to fix things, it isn't trying about trying to change you, isn't about even trying to change how you feel, although that naturally happens, like as a natural organic thing, as you start doing alchemy work, like your moods and your perception and how you go about things and habits and all of that will naturally start changing when you do alchemy work. But it's not really about that because if you're trying to constantly fix how how you feel and you're constantly trying to change external things around you, then we don't let ourselves be human, and then we're constantly having this like get thing of like when this happens, then I'll be happy, and when this happens, then I'll be happy. So that's not what it's about. So, yes, when you do alchemy work, you do start manifesting more of the things that you want into your life, and yes, you do your moods and things shift and your perception and everything, like these things they happen, but we don't do it for that reason. We do it for the same reasons that we brush our teeth because of hygiene, because it's good for us, because it keeps us well, the same as like we exercise and we and we move our body because it's good for us, and yet also there are there are benefits, like we, you know, our bodies and everything do better for for doing that, so it's kind of like win-win-win vibes. Win-win vibes. So I think one of the most powerful ways you can do alchemy work is emotional alchemy work, working with your emotions. So I thought this week I'd give one example of how that's looked for me. So recently, this year, I had a lot of rage. Like, I was pissed, I was mad, I was like, I was livered. I'm not in movies don't sound right now, but I really was. I was like, you motherfucker. Like I was whoo! Very angry, really pissed. Oh, it was a whole situation. Like, I I was mad, really, really mad. And what happens when you have um emotions? Emotions obviously, there's a lot of energy there, there's a lot of charge there, and often we just don't want to be with it and we want to push it away and all of that, and that doesn't help us, that suppression doesn't help us. So I want you to think of emotions as like we often they often get called as like energy and motion, right? And if there's energy there, there's power there, and you can use that in a way that's gonna serve you. So I want you to just see your emotions as like all emotions have data in them. That they're all energy, they they all have things to reveal. And if we can be with them, and if you can learn to be with them and work with them and not push them away, whoo! your life will start changing in really positive ways. So anger rage is often, it's often looked at as like a secondary emotion. And when I'm angry, and this is like very universal for most people, anger is basically your body, yourself, being like, uh-uh, not okay. Not okay, not okay, not okay. And I see it, I've talked about this so many times, it's like anger, your rage is often the part of yourself that loves you the most. That's it's like it's like setting boundaries. It is like, no, no, no, no. And we have to honour that, but we it's important we honour in a really embodied way so that we don't come from this like really um entitled place. We want to come from this really beautiful self-advocacy, I know my worth, because we've all known somebody that whenever they don't get their own word, they they feel like angry and like all of that. Now, so if they were just like, Well, I'm angry, so I get to have my own way and do this, that, and the other, of course, that's not gonna be of service to them or anybody else, right? So we want to come at it from this really beautiful place of like all emotions, all parts of you, all get to be welcomed, but we do need to create some alchemy so it doesn't spill out in this like really reactive, like destructive way. Because anger is not bad. Anger is really beautiful, but when anger's not channeled well, and this is the same with every single emotion, when it's not channeled well, when there's not an alchemy that happens, it can become problematic. It's like somebody being really anxious, and if you can channel that, it can really again show you um desires and reveal so much, but it can also become like overthinking and like stuck in a flight response, and it can end up like dropping into like fawning and people pleasing because it's not channelled well. So, as I say, anger is often sort is like a secondary emotion. So, what I mean by that is often like that's the one that's coming out, that's the one you're feeling, but often underneath that is sadness, grief. There's a loss, there was something you didn't get, not always, but often it can be, and that was the case for me. That was the case for me. So the anger was coming up, the rage was coming up, I was really, really pissed, like furious, but it was secondary, it was secondary, but first I just needed to like be with that, and I need to just let myself feel it, feel it all, and let that self-protective part of me rise up and be like, fuck no, fuck no, you do not get to do this, fuck no, I'm not having this, and that beautiful self-advocacy come up. But if I'd stop there, oh that would be a real disservice to myself, to the collective, like nobody wins in that. Because if we all just stay at okay, I'm advocating for myself and this, that, and the other, we're not actually creating the life we want. Because we don't want to live in a world where we just have to keep advocating for ourselves. We want to live in a world where our needs and the things we want um are met, and we don't have to get really angry and really pissed off for things to change. It's kind of like, you know, when you see parents and stuff talking about, well, the kids don't listen to me until I lose my shit, right? That's not the vibe. That's not the vibe. You wanna not have to get to that point, but if you do get to that point, let's work with it so that that pattern doesn't keep happening, and so your needs get met, and so that dynamics can change, otherwise, it can quickly become a really unhealthy dynamic for you and for everybody that's involved. You know, like if every time somebody got angry and then that was the only way things shifted, then it can create this. Um like I'm thinking about to be honest, like in my own life, like I grew up um with parents that would get very, very angry, and you know, like that kind of like eggshell kind of thing. But that was because through no fault of their own, my parents didn't understand desire alchemy, and they didn't understand that it was probably their rage was probably a secondary thing, and there was probably some deep grief there, and it was like exploding out. And this is not judgment because I've absolutely been that parent myself, and I've absolutely had arguments with Tony in the past where the rage just shot out, and I was like so mad, and it was not healthy, and it was not pretty, and nobody wins in that. So I've had to really, really learn very imperfectly to be able to create alchemy from my emotions, particularly rage. Rage is one of my favorite ones to work with, and when I say one of my favorite ones to work with, not because I enjoy it, like it is not fun when you are really angry and you are really pissed, but I also have this realization in myself that so when I'm upset with something, often the first emotion that can shoot up for me, and everybody's different. But what can shoot up for me is anger and rage. It's that kind of fight response, and everybody will have a different default, and depending on the situation, mine can change. But often my default can be like that fight response and like rage and anger comes up. Now, as I've got older and I've learned to work with this, I have saw that this has really benefited me because it's really allowed me to advocate for myself where somebody else's default might be like to suppress it, to push it down and fawn. And then they keep ending up in in relationships with where they've just got to like sacrifice themselves. Like there's there's like that's an unconscious agreement of of the relationship, and they and they never get met, and that be kind of comes the the pattern for them, and it's not like it's not a conscious thing, and I've definitely done fawning, I've done all the things, but I definitely have this part of me that kind of comes up, this rage and this anger. And I, to be honest, I always worry when I speak to women, they're like, Oh, I don't have that. And I'm like, oh fuck. Because as I say, I often think I really believe that the anger and the rage can be the part of us that's really advocating for ourselves. Like that fight response when it's like used well in the right circumstances, can be really, really good for us, but it has to be channeled well, otherwise it can be destructive. And that's why people fear anger. But anger isn't an issue, it's misaligned behaviors that are problematic. So, like if you're in a situation that's generally dangerous and your best bet of survival is to get angry and to fight back, then you know there's a there's a bloody terrorist or something, and that would be your best chance, then in that context, it is a beautiful thing that it comes up, right? Anger is not bad at all. But if that comes up when um you feel like a wound comes up and it comes up with your partner and you start like attacking at them, then it's becomes problematic. So it's not the no emotion is bad. You've probably heard this like said before, but I it's just it's something that we all need to like remind ourselves again and again and again because we often don't like certain emotions. No emotions bad, they can all be really useful, they all have information, they all have intel. But acting out from our emotions and not being really embodied and not creating alchemy can be, of course, really, really, really, really, really frigging problematic. And this goes with any emotion, you know. The same as like you're feeling really sad, and then you find yourself doing behaviors to try and soothe some of that sadness, but those behaviors are making your life in the long term worse, like those maladaptive ways that you might be coping, right? And this is no judgment, this is no shame. We all do things that at times don't deeply service, but that is why alchemy work matters so much. So, this is what came up for me recently like there was this anger and there was this rage, and realizing for myself that often that often comes up because it is more comfortable for me, even though it's not comfortable. Anger's never comfortable, but because my body likes it more, it feels safer with that than grief and sadness and the hurt because on this unconscious thing the anger feels safer because when I'm angry, I'm advocating for myself. I'm like fuck this, but when I'm feeling sad, I feel vulnerable and I feel hurt, and I feel exposed, and even if like nobody nobody else is seeing that, there's a vulnerability that I'm like I don't like this, so it's sometimes for me what I've found is more comfortable to just be fucking pissed, then I actually sit with I'm actually really devastated that this has happened. Woo! And that is what happened to me this year. So I've talked about this a lot, and I've talked about it a lot because it was it has been so significant in my life this year, yeah, really um profoundly impacted me, and and sometimes that's hard, like that in itself is very vulnerable to be like this really hurt, this really ouched, this really motherfucker, that hurt. But if I'm gonna do a podcast that's called Truth and Transformation, I need to be like really truthful. Or like I was penetrated, like I was really shot in terms of like emotionally, like, oh you got me that really hard, and that feels very vulnerable to admit, and that feels very raw, you know. Even though I talk about we're all human and we all feel and we all ache, and even though I talk about like we're not here to be robotic, we're here to feel, and I talk about alchemy. I'm still human. It's not nice to feel hurt, it's not nice to feel sadness and to feel grief. So, what happens for me is often before I get down to the grief, anger comes first, the rage comes first. This self-protective, like nobody will fucking hurt me again comes up first. Like that, like I'm just mad. I'm just mad. And I have to let myself be with all of that, right? This is the alchemy. And before I try and do anything with it, before I try to intellectualize it and all of that, I just have to feel it because intellectualizing can be just a way of avoiding the feelings. So it's like, can I sit? Can I sit with the um the rage? Can I sit with the anger? Can I let it like move through my body? And just also hold this awareness that I'm trying to protect myself. And that there's a beauty in that, but I need to just be aware of how that looks and if I actually need to protect myself. And there are times when we do, and there are times when we need to set boundaries, but if like the situation's not happening right now and I'm in my home and I'm like going in this fire response, and I'm like, I'm gonna say this and I'm gonna say that, and how dare you, and all of that rumination, and I like I can let all that happen, but I have to witness it. Because if I get lost in that, I never create the alchemy. Because that is like the secondary thing. That is like that is like the plaster, but it's not really getting into what's actually going on. It's not really getting to the wound, because to actually sit with the wound, you know, and it's that that court, isn't it? Um, you know, the wound is where the light enders. I think I've butchered that court, but I hopefully you know the one I mean. Um, but to actually be with that wound, it's raw, it's vulnerable. We often don't want to be with that. We often don't want to be like, uh, this really hurt. And often we can't until we deal with the first, first emotion. So for me, what this looks like is I have to let myself be angry. I have to let myself be livered. I have to not try and fix it, I have to not try and get rid of it, I just have to let it be there, but I have to build some sort of container, some sort of framework so that it doesn't spew out on all the people that I love so that I'm not living in this state of reaction. So, one of the ways that I do this, I find music is really, really powerful. So I will often get my headphones and I will listen to a song, and I will often listen to the same song again and again and again and just try to feel. So, and what also comes up for me is when I'm really angry, my thing is to go straight into hate. Like I hate them, I hate them, I hate them, motherfuckers, I hate them, right? And that's where, and that's where like that fight response and that defensiveness will come up because it's an appropriate response because it's like this person is behaving in this way, and I actually maybe do need to defend myself with this person, and I actually do need to advocate for myself with this person. But here's the thing we can live in that, even when that situation is not currently happening, and the situation's already happened. And we see this all the time when somebody's been really hurt by somebody, and you know, the situation was some time ago, but they're still living in this anger and they're still living in this ridge, and they're never getting what's underneath that. But they you do have to attend to that. Um, because as I said, otherwise it'll like leak out in all these in all areas of your life. And what we often don't realise within all of that, the anger and the emotions, like the ones that we don't like, the ones that are really uncomfortable to be with. So like sadness, anger, rage, frustration, there are desires in that. That's often loss. There's there's things that you really wanted that's that we might not even be aware of that weren't met. Because you, if you all your needs were met and everything was perfect and you were like really satisfied, you would not be feeling angry. You wouldn't be feeling sad, you wouldn't, whatever uncomfortable emotion you're feeling, you know, could be like you're feeling anxious, frustrated, like there are desires in that. Because if you were being fully met and you were in overflow, you wouldn't be feeling those things. You'd be feeling content and satisfied and fulfilled and all of that, right? Now, nobody can live in those states all the time. That's the beauty and the beast of being human. And actually, if you lived in those states all the time, the irony is you would never be in those states because you wouldn't be able to recognize that state if there wasn't differentiation, right? It's it's like if every emotion was the same, it it would like how would you know? You know, it's that kind of thing of like, we know this fruit from this fruit because they're not the same. So we have labels and we have language. It's it's the same thing. We know this colour from this colour because they're not the same. So you're not gonna live in that state all the time. But I also want you to create a life where you can have delicious relationships and you can feel fulfilled and you can feel satisfied. But that means acknowledging that part of being human is that you're not a robot, so you're gonna have all these different, all these different feelings, and you're not gonna stay in that state. But when you catch yourself in states like anger, rage, sadness, and stuff, you can be with that and you can do, as I say, the alchemy work, that mind, body, soul, so that you don't live in states that just aren't good for your body. Like living in a state of say anger is really like constantly really hard on your body, it's really hard on your nervous system, and it doesn't actually create the change that we want to see in the world. And also, neither does suppressing anger. And also, it's often a really, really appropriate response. So we have to do the work there. The same is it doesn't serve us to just live in a state of um despair or sadness and all of that. So we have to be able to hold multiple different emotions. So like you can be feeling angry, you can be feeling annoyed, you can be feeling all sorts of things, but it's also like almost like having a bucket where you can also hold the like satisfaction and the beauty of life. Like you have to learn to be able to hold multiple different things. Like, if I was to look around the world, there's so many things that I can be angry and furious about, and I am, but I can also, but if I live in that, my nervous system gets shot to pieces, and that doesn't serve me, it doesn't serve anyone, and then I can't create alchemy, I can't create, as corny as it sounds, the change that I want to see in the world. It doesn't serve, doesn't serve. So I also have to be able to hold the paradox, and I have to be able to hold beauty and joy and all of these things. So for me, when I'm in a surge when there's this like real big thing coming through, and I often see it as like this like up level. Um, when I see that happening, which is having a drink, when I see that happening, I'm like, okay, there's something here. There's something here. So what I did is when all this like rage, when I could see all this anger, as I say, I find music can be really helpful to just really get embodied, get grounded, root down. As I'm talking right now, I want you to just like root yourself down. Um, and what I mean by that is like focus your energy, focus your breath as I'm talking. Um, like right down. If you have a pussy, I want you to like be focusing right down into your pussy, getting yourself grounded. Because and and like regardless how you feel, this is a really Important exercise and practice to do, otherwise, we're kind of shooting our energy out in all different directions. Um, what's coming through for me right now is I actually, I don't know if you've watched this series. There's a series called Witcher on Netflix. I wasn't expecting this to kind of come up, but that's what I'm that's what's coming up in my mind right now. And um, they talk about like channeling the chaos. And like the there's a scene that I won't go into too much because I don't want to spoil it if you haven't watched it, but like there's a scene in there where like obviously they're angry and there's like a good reason for them to be angry, and then then they channel that and like I guess defeat the bad guy, shall we say? So it's kind of like that kind of vibe of like sorry if if you haven't watched Witcher, kind of just fault a little bit for you. Um, but like that kind of energy, that kind of energy where we've gotta become rooted in ourselves where it's like can I be with and can I feel this discomfort? So the way that I do that often is I'll get my headphones and I will listen to a song again and again and again that matches how I'm feeling. That matches how I'm failing. And I have to dress any fears. And oh my gosh, I'm just gonna call something out that's coming up for me right now. Right, this this this is the work. I've just said something, and then my brain's gone into oh my gosh, somebody's gonna be annoyed with you, somebody's gonna be pissed with you, and I'm just gonna call it out, right? Because these things are really irrational, but this is what our brain does. It's like, oh, somebody's gonna be annoyed because you said something about Witcher and they might want to watch that and like blah blah blah. These are the kind of things that our brain does. And when we can see the fears and we can just hold them, hold the fear and realizing that that thing isn't happening right now, and also can you be okay even if somebody is mad with you? Right now, apply this to whatever's coming up for you. Can you see the fear and can you almost like extract it? Extract it and like hold it and just get curious. You're not trying to fix it, you're not trying to change it, but you're just seeing it. And this applies to what I'm talking about, the anger and the rage, because what happens for me when I go into that self-protective thing, I am trying to protect myself because there's a fear there. And what happens to me often when I go into that, it's because I feel like if I don't go into that, I'll get I'll get hurt. It's like I am armoring up because it feels safer to be armoring up. It feels safer to be defending myself than to be exposed. There's a fear there. There's a fear there. And when I can be with all that and I can see it, and I can just speak it out, and these things can be really irrational. Like now that I've spoken it out, I don't have that fear. But for like a second, I could see myself getting ungrounded and be like, somebody's gonna be annoyed, because they're like, I want to watch Witcher, and you've just said this thing. Not that I really give anything of too many details, but that's how irrational brains can be. So these things happen for me. And what I do often is I'll get my headphones when I feel an emotion like that, and I'll just let myself feel it and be with it all, but I'll also let myself feel into, as I say, like matching what I'm feeling. So like there might be hatred coming up, right? And we get so conditioned, like, hatred is bad and never feel hatred, and it's like, okay, then you're just asking so many people, the population, to cut off and suppress a part of themselves, because that is a very normal and very human emotion to come up when when you've been hurt to go into hatred, and for some people that doesn't happen, they go into a different emotion, but we're all different. But for me, what will often come up is like hate like I fucking hate you, hate you, I hate you, I hate you. It's just like this, like I'm just mad. So as I say, I get my headphones and I will normally listen to because the the lyrics don't need to perfectly match the situation, there just needs to be something that has resonance with you. So I'll often listen to that Kellis song where she's like, I hate you, I hate you so much right now, right? And that song, from what I understand, is around you know, a dude cheating on her. And even though that is not the situation that I am dealing with, that is not the situation at all. Like that area of my life is really amazing, it's really great. So even though the song is about something different, it's the words of like I hate you, I hate you so much right now. But that is how I'm feeling about this situation and about this person. And I just let myself be with it. But because I've got a song on, there's a container, and there's like, I'm gonna listen to that song for a certain period of time, and I'm gonna create that container. I'm gonna create that container. And I'm just gonna let myself feel it. And this is what I want to say. If, like, what if you just let yourself, whatever emotion, whatever you're feeling, what if you just like you let it have a container? And what if any fears you had, you let them have a container, like you spoke them out, whether you like journaled it or whatever, and you just saw them and you just held space, like you'd want a really good friend or a really good therapist to not try and fix it, but you just said your fear and they're just gonna be there. They're not trying to change it, they're not trying to like rationalize it, like with you, they're just like, uh-huh. Because often what happens when we feel seen and we feel heard, the emotion and the charge disperses. But often things rage up because they don't feel heard. They don't feel seen, they they they feel like, oh my gosh, why are you not taking this seriously? When there's something that clearly matters to that person, there's a need, there's a desire. So when I let myself just feel how I feel, so it could be anger, hatred, the um like this real self-protection thing. And I just let myself be with it. Be with it, be with it, be with it, be with it. There will become a point where, as I say, emotions will naturally change and and and and shift. They reckon we can actually only hold a certain emotion for like 90 seconds. I don't know if I really believe that, but there probably is some truth in it. But it's like also not, because I have definitely, and I'm sure we all have, felt an emotion for a longer, longer period than that. But it's probably, to be honest, um, like the same emotions keep um coming up again and again and again because we've not done alchemy around it. We've not done alchemy, so it's like rage on top of rage on top of rage on top of rage on top of rage, or sadness on top of sadness on top of sadness, and it's like almost like ruminating around, like in a loop. Because we haven't really fully got to the to the core of it. So, like, because I know there's been periods of my life where I've been in the same sort of state for for a long time, but it's like the singular emotion. Yes, when we really feel it and when we really dig into it, there definitely is something in when I've really, really, really been able to get to a level where I've truly, truly, truly been able to sit with it. There definitely is something that happens, something that metabolizes. I can't say it's 90 seconds, definitely not um, definitely not been my experience. But there definitely is, I've definitely caught myself when I've really gone into something and really felt something that there becomes a point where that emotion, there is a change, there is an alchemy that happens, but I'm not doing it to try and change, I'm not doing trying to fix it. Unconsciously, often, yes. Because, and we all do this often unconsciously, because we just don't want to sit with and we don't want to feel with her. And there's actually a beautiful thing um in the human that does that, because it's like you know, you think about anybody that you love and you care about, you wouldn't want them to feel in a constant state of like grief and and sadness and and anger, you wouldn't. Um, and from a biological level, those emotions um your body detects as like danger. And so it kind of doesn't want you to feel that and it wants it it's really um it wants it seeks out comfort, um, because discomfort associates with death. So of course it tries to push those all away. But what I have found when I can be with the really gnarly uncomfortable, oh, that's my computer. The really gnarly uncomfortable, really, I'm gonna say dark, and not dark as in bad, but as in they feel dark. It's like a cloud over me that doesn't feel good. It's like that kind of thing. When I can sit with that, and I mean really be with it, there is an alchemy, there is something that happens in that. And what I find for me is when I can really be with that, and the the length of time varies. Like I can't hold up this like 90 seconds thing, but I do think there's probably some wisdom in that. But like I'm definitely not a 90 seconds girl. I have to really, really um, yeah, it's definitely not a quick process, quick process for me, and and let's also talk about that. Selling the idea that these things are quick is like just like the junk food equivalent of like diet culture and all of that. This is the same for our mind, body, and soul. But there is something that happens. If I can really be with those uncomfortable emotions, I will notice there's this, it's like this like switch, this kind of like flick happens, and it's not, and that never happens from bypassing it. But when I've really gone there and really felt it, it's like something happens, something alchemizes, and it's like, duh, of course. And what happens is when I really go to those real levels, like the not to sound dramatic, but you know, when I've ever gone to like the underworld, as in like I'm feeling it, and this is raw and this is heavy. When I don't try to change it and I don't try to fix it, something happens. And I've shared this story before. I think, oh god, this is a really old episode. I talk about like rage and PTSD, and there's an episode somewhere. I don't know if it's that episode, but I talk about this this time when I was really angry and I was in the shower and I was just letting myself feel it. And after the all of that, I just started sobbing. And I I remember this moment like it was yesterday because it was it was real alchemy. And I don't know if I'd have used the term alchemy at the time, but I now know that this was like real alchemy. And I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Now, this situation this year wasn't quite like that. It wasn't like a trauma like that situation was. But it was deeply, as I say, this situation really deeply got to me. It really deeply penetrated me. It really hit on wounds that I, these core wounds. But I first of all just had to let myself be angry, and I had to let myself be mad, and I had to let myself just listen to that song that it's like, I hate you, I hate you so much right now, and just be really angry and really, really pissed. And to see that whole protective side of me. But then I had to see what was underneath all that. And truly, and to be vulnerable, hurt, devastated, really sad that this situation had happened, really sad for that little girl within me that really just wanted to be loved and really just wanted to be understood, and actually was so misunderstood and was so projected on, and there was nothing I could do to change this person's narrative of me, and it was like I when I got that, I was like, I just need to sit with her, and there's nothing comfortable about sitting with that part of you, it's tender, it's vulnerable, it's raw, you feel exposed. It's it's not comfortable, and I feel like this is why so many people, particularly men, just stay angry, just stay defensive, and then we see the violent actions and how that shows up in the world. But let's be honest, we haven't really created a safe world where men can just be sad and grieving and be really vulnerable and be like, that really hurt. Like, we have not created that world. So, this is where the alchemy comes in. That when we can create these containers, right? And you can do this by yourself if you have not got this container, if you are not in a position to hire someone, whether it's me or somebody else, you can create this container for yourself. Where you've let yourself feel the different emotions. I find music's really helpful, and you just focus on feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling. And by that I mean go inwards, go inwards, don't push the sensations, just hold it. And if you can't hold it for very long, even if you just hold it for like one song, one song, can you just and then after that song, you can go about your day. If you can hold it for longer, hold it for longer for however long you need to, and then if and then like move your body in whatever way that your body is able to move. And then just what can also be really powerful is just getting a pen and a paper and just writing everything that's kind of coming through for you, like everything you're feeling, everything that's going on. You can even burn this paper if you wish to. Um, like whatever whatever practice feels most in alignment for you. But it's just feeling it. And then what you want to do is all right, and that this might you might be able to do this in one session. This might be something that you do over a period, depending how much charge there is there. Sometimes it needs to be done in stages. Sometimes, depending on the situation when I'm doing this work, I can do it all in one session. Sometimes that isn't the move yet. I don't have the capacity for that. There's too much going on. If you don't have the capacity, you do this in stages because that's really important for this to actually work and for it to integrate. Like you cannot rush this thing. So it might be for one person, it's like they can feel it and it's like all done and completed in one session, and they're generally not bypassing. It's just because where they're at in their life and the work that they've done, and because they're not so penetrated so deeply. For somebody else, they might need to just be at this first bit of just feeling, and they might need to do that over a period of time, and then they don't get to the second bit for a while later. It can even be months later, depending on the situation, right? When they just focus on feeling and just regularly creating this framework where they just let themselves feel what they're feeling. So it could be the anger, it could be the sadness, whatever. And it's just letting your intuition, there's no perfect song, to just choose a song. So, like whatever song comes to mind, like that's the song. Um, or maybe it's no song. It could be you just need to be in silence, it might be that you need to sit in nature, right? Just there's no right way to do this, so just trust whatever kind of comes through. I usually find for me a song will kind of come up and it'll be like, that's the song, and I will listen to that song. And it might be that you just need to do that for a certain period, and that's just you don't go any further than that because you're just not ready to, you don't have the capacity, it's too gnarly, there's there's just too much there, there's too much charge there, right? But there will become a point where this natural alchemy through your self-honouring, through you coming home to yourself, will come up, right? And this is like the second stage, and this is where we get to what I call the the focus point. The focus point of like, what do you actually want? Because what a lot of people do, um, and this is a book that I recommend like on so many episodes. I talk about this book all the time. There's this brilliant book called Unbound, a woman's guide to power. She talks about how often we just stay in the anger. And we see this all around the world, like, people are angry and like rightly so, but they don't actually create the change they want to see in their personal life or collectively, because they're just staying in that anger. And it's that thing of like that kind of anger, that chaos, that that emotion, it isn't channeled to what they actually want. What they actually want. So when you can sit with all the things and you can sit with whatever's there, the grief, the sadness, you start seeing your fucking desires. You start seeing what you want. You start seeing what you want. And then there's a vulnerability in that. And a lot of people can't do this. It's like, can you sit with your desires? Can you sit with the air? Can you sit with the pain? This is not easy work, this is not comfortable work. Like, I don't do this like sweet manifesting work because that only takes you so far. It doesn't really change your life. It's very kind of surface stuff, which there's nothing wrong with. There's a place for that. That's where I actually started. That was where my capacity was. But there becomes a point where it's like, that's not gonna cut it. That's not gonna cut it. And we need to do some real gnarly shadow, dark, feminine work. We need to sit with the uncomfortable shit. Because your gratitude list isn't gonna take you far. Can it help? Yes, but to an extent, to an extent, then it can become a where it becomes problematic, where it can do the opposite if we don't do this work. So after you've done all that, after you've felt all the things, there becomes a point where you the desires start coming up and the ache comes up, the ache for more, the ache for change, and there can even be a grief in that of like I don't have that and this is what I want. And it can be really uncomfortable to be honest about what you want because you have to acknowledge the absence of it, and I see this, and this is why so many women don't go there, because they're like, I'll have to acknowledge that I want more, and then I have to sit with the fact that I don't have it right now, and it's not that we're trying to, as I said in the beginning of this episode, just trying to get there, just trying to get there, just trying to get there, because then we're never nourished. But there has to be this, I call it like desire alchemy, which is work we do in Scorpio slot, if any of this is resonating, but we just have we have to just be with it. And when you can learn to hold desire, hold desire and still live your life, as I say, like you create this framework. You're not like putting your happiness, you're not outsourcing of like when this happens, then I'll be happy. No, we're not doing that. But you can sit with it. What happens is you can get to like the focal point of what you want. You can go beyond the anger, beyond the sadness, beyond whatever emotion you're feeling. You can go beyond that. And you can start directing your time, your energy, your decisions, your habits, and you can start really becoming embodied into that thing and being that person and being that woman who lives that life. And so often what people do is they're just trying to avoid the thing that they're scared of. So, like if I just stay in anger, I'm just trying to avoid getting hurt. But trying to just avoid getting hurt doesn't actually get me love. It actually stops me getting love. That's the irony. And this is why the alchemy doesn't happen, and this is why people don't create the lives they want. Because they're often trying to avoid the thing they don't want and never actually aligning up to what they do want. Because to align to what you do want requires vulnerability. It requires you to sit with yourself, it requires you to sit with the ache, it requires you to come home to yourself and admit when you want fucking more. It requires some grief. Nearly all alchemy requires some kind of grief work and a container for that, and you holding yourself and being with that inner child within who is like, I want this, and just being able to create this really beautiful soul-nourishing container, and that is like deep self-love work, and it also is connecting with like your soul, your your higher self. That's like, uh-huh. Yeah, you didn't come here to not connect with that. Like, I put that desire in you, I put that desire in you for you to be love so good because I want you to be love so fucking good. I put that desire in you to create this movement because that movement matters to this world. But like, so often we don't own it because there's a vulnerability to go, I really want to do this thing. Because then it's like, but what if I fail? What if people laugh at me? What if I'm rejected? What if, like what happened to me? Like I'm really misunderstood by somebody that I really care about and really wanted to have a friendship with, or like whatever it is for you, might be you might want to to date this person. But does it help you by pretending that you don't care and that you didn't want that thing? It doesn't help you. It's denial, it's denial, it's suppression, it's bypassing. But when you can be like, fuck, fuck, that hurt. I don't know if you can hear, my tummy's rumbling. It's like this happens a lot on the podcast, you'll get used to it. Um of my greatest gifts that I give to myself is when I can say, ouch. That hurt. And I can be tender with the stuff. When I admit when I want something, when I admit when I'm hurt, when I admit that I am not um indestructible, and I get hurt and I ache, that is one of the kindest things that I can do for myself. And but when I just live in this motherfucker, how dare you do this? It's like there's a beauty to that, but when I I live in that, I end up living in this despair, this self-protection, um and it just it it doesn't serve me and it doesn't serve my relationships, and it really doesn't serve the collective. Momentarily, those things do, but if we get lost in all of that, and there will be periods of your in your life where you may be just spiraling in the anger and in the rage, but if we just stay there, if we just stay there, and some people, it's not conscious, but want us to say that. They almost have this like weird belief that if you're not angry all the time, there's this thing that goes around, then you're not paying attention. It's like, no, no, you can be paying attention and you can see all those things, but it's like you will just fry your nervous system. You also have to be able to hold the other side and to see the potential and see the focus point and be like, I don't want to just create a world where we don't have violent people. I want to create a world where we're fucking loving on each other and we're being kind and empathetic and like all of these things. And I'm also gonna hold the fucking boundaries with the people that are like that. But I have to remember what I am cultivating and what I'm creating and what I am birthing into the world. And that requires me to be in joy and to cultivate joy and to cultivate fulfillment and to just create these really beautiful sacred spaces in my personal relationships and in my home life, it doesn't serve me to drown in the other stuff. It does not serve me, it doesn't serve anybody because in that I come in despair. I I end up thinking, like, what's the point? It's all hopeless. What I do won't make a difference. But it's like what you do does make a difference. Like, if if I spiraled in all the shit that happens in the world, there would be no podcast. There would be no podcast. This conversation wouldn't be happening. But because I'm like, and I and I see it and I see the work that I do, and I see how it changes relationships, and I see how healing it is, and I'm like, that's creating the shift, that's creating the world that I want in my personal life, but also collectively. That that's creating it. And like, that's the thing, that's the focus point. That is me um setting the GPS, that is me living intentionally, that is alchemy. This other stuff where we spiral in everything we can't control, not alchemy. That is being consumed by what other people do, by what the world does, that is getting lost in that, that is getting flooded in that, that is your nervous system being flooded in that. It is not alchemy, it is not. Gosh, my tummy's really going for it. So I'm gonna wrap it there because I need to clearly eat. But do this, do some with whatever emotions are coming up for you, do some alchemy work. And if you want to work with me, as always, head to my website, book a one-to-one session, and we can do alchemy work on something really specific that's coming up for you, or we can do it as maintenance, as mind, body, and soul hygiene. I honestly think everybody should at least once a month be doing alchemy work. So if you would like to go on that journey with me, do get in touch and um I look forward to working with you. Anyway, I will be back next week with another podcast episode. I'll speak to you then.