Truth & Transformation
The podcast for women ready to break the rules. For the women who are tired of abandoning themselves and never getting what they truly, truly want. This is where you discover what's true for you, and you transform and alchemise the areas of your life where you desire more.
Welcome to Truth and Transformation, where we discuss all things relationships, invisible labour, love, sex, parenting, spirituality, and everything in between.
Truth & Transformation
Patriarchy In Spirituality, Law Of Attraction & The Manifesting Industry
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Patriarchy shows up in the very spiritual spaces that claim to set us free, especially when manifestation teachings push women to stay quiet and grateful. We pull apart “love and light” culture, name the harm, and bring it back to discernment, systems, and building a matriarchy where everyone thrives.
• How patriarchy hides in law of attraction and manifestation culture
• Why gratitude talk can pressure women to minimise pain
• “You get what you focus on” as a tool for silence and self blame
• The difference between a sliver of truth and a whole ideology
• Why systems shape reality as much as mindset
• Discernment as a practice rather than rigid thinking
• Reiki, trauma release, shaking and completing the stress cycle
• Why self care cannot fix oppressive systems alone
• Money, influence and visibility as part of real change
• Love and light as spiritual bypassing and disconnection
• Anger, shadow and taboo as information and power
• Revenge stories as a route out of shame and being “good”
If you've enjoyed this episode, if you found it helpful, do do do share it because we want to build a matriarchy which is where we can all thrive.
More from me at KirstyDee.com
Welcome To Truth And Transformation
This is the podcast for the women ready to break some rules, for the women who are fed up of pouring into everyone else and not getting what they want. This is where you discover what is true for you and you transform and alchemize the areas of your life that is not doing it for you. Welcome to Truth and Transformation. I'm your host, Kirsty D. Let's go. Hello, hello, hello,
Seeing Patriarchy In Spiritual Spaces
lovely. I want to talk to you about patriarchy and how embedded it is in spirituality, in law of attraction, in the love and light scene, um manifestation scene, all of these things, and how it's deeply, deeply harmful, particularly for women. And also, like I am quote-unquote spiritual. I am a witch. I love manifestation, I love alchemy. It's a big part of like my work and everything that I do. And then you wake up, or I I did, and I was like, oh, this thing that like always felt a bit off, but I couldn't quite place my fingers on it. Now I get it, and I can't unsee it, and there's a grief there, and I want to talk about my journey with that and unpacking that and where I'm at now because I just think so many women need to hear this, if particularly if you're in these spaces, because as I say, it's it's really harmful, it's really hurting so many of us, and people who are not are not spiritual often don't understand how you can under like end up in these spaces, and how they can also like not on purpose, not intentionally, but kind of like push people into these spaces. I'm not like trying to blame anybody else here, but that can happen, and the reason it can happen is because these spaces offer something that if you're somebody like myself that you know spirit exists because you have seen it, you have experienced it, and you've got people who haven't got that, so they just think it's all like delulu, they think it's all woo, they they they don't get it, they're they just think that you're naive. So then you end up in these spaces because it's like, oh, people like me, like-minded people, etc. etc. etc. And you feel, you know, you might feel seen or you might feel like oh, like whatever it is. And yet, often these spaces are so deeply patriarchal. And the thing is with patriarchy, what we know is it it often doesn't look like you know how how we think it's going to look, you know, like when we read about patriarchy and all of these things, it often looks very ordinary, you know, it works hand in hand with misogyny, like it's very, very subtle, it's just like the air we breathe, we don't question it, and yet it's harming us, particularly as women, but like men too. Men suffer massively under patriarchy, like we all suffer. So we need to create spaces where you know spirituality becomes very, very matriarchal, and again, people don't understand that. They think, and I was the same that matriarchy means like women on top. It does not, it means an ecosystem where everybody, everybody thrives, like everybody does well. It's like not this hierarchy, just people at the top, capitalism, thrive like everybody else, is like struggling. And yet the spirituality field is so deeply, deeply patriarchal, even in the spaces where it is not supposed to be, where it's supposed to be for women and all of these things. And I want to dig into that because because it's so subtle, because it's so ordinary, because it is just so like familiar, we often don't see it. I am unpacking this, this, this myself. I'm gonna be adding more to this as as I learn. Um, but it's it's something that uh as I said, like once you see you can't unsee it, and that you know, that is that is really difficult. I feel like every day and every week I kind of have another, like, oh my gosh, another aha. And um, I was very much just like, okay, right, we need to dismantle this, we need to dismantle patriarchy and like all of this, but like, even with that, it's putting so much actually energy into that system rather than actually just building a matriarchy, and um and by that what I mean is like a it's not sustainable trying to get everybody to understand and like all of that. That's just more labor put on women, and that just keeps us exhausted and distracted and burnt out, um, which reinforces more patriarchal stuff.
How Manifestation Turns Into Self Blame
So let me let me get into it and like break it down into the different ways this this plays out. So the first one I want to talk about is law of attraction manifestation. The law of attraction scene, the manifestation scene is deeply, deeply, deeply um upholds us so much like patriarchal structure that like really really hurts just just hurts us. And um it leads to a lot of people like blaming themselves, other people blaming people that you know for things that just literally are not their fault, um, it leads to ignoring a lot of things that are deeply um problematic. Um so let's talk about it. Let's talk about some of the things that might be said in the law of attraction field, in the manifestation field. One of the things that I've had issues with for years and years and years, and I've I spoke about it on my previous podcast before I like relaunched it into, you know, this one, this one now. Um, one of the issues that I really, really had with that, and this was before like I was even like you know, fully aware of how deeply patriarchal it was, is the constant like focus on gratitude. Now there is nuance to this conversation because a a life where you don't appreciate the things that you have got, like, you know, like is is not going to be good for you. But the reason that I say that this is deeply, deeply, deeply problematic is because women are so conditioned to ignore things and to just be like, just see how lucky you are, you know, other people have it so much like worse off, even when like she's really really struggling and her system like is deeply deeply harming her and is deeply deeply problematic. Um, this particularly impacts women in relationships. So, what I see a lot in the the manifestation field is like just focus on on the good things and the good aspects of of your relationship, right? And this ties into something else that is deeply deeply embodied embedded in the law of attraction thing. It's like you get what you focus on, and this is really, really problematic. The reason being is because it makes her the the the problem, like, oh, she's focusing on all his bad traits, she's focusing on this, therefore, she's going to attract more of that. Like, and if she has a partner who actually is quote unquote good guy, and I talked about this in my episode, like Thrive in Love and the Problem with the feminine and masculine space. This episode goes like really well and really hands hand in hand with that. Um, that it's like it's it ends up blaming women, and we know Petriarchy loves to blame women, like um, you know, she she chose wrong, and um and and it's that is something that is so um, you know, a lot of the law of attraction stuff is like um, as I say, you get what you focus on, raise, raise your vibration, um, focus on gratitude, like all of those things are not addressing like the root thing. It's not addressing that. Um, you attract who you are, is often something that is spoken in in this field. Again, I that's been something that I'd like had spoken about um before. Um just raised your vibration. You know, I talked about this um, I think a bit on my soul metabolism episode. The law of attraction field, it also um one of the damaging things that when you teach people you you get what you focus on, um it makes people scared to talk about issues and to talk about um problems and stuff because you've then convinced a lot of people that if they talk about it, they're gonna attract more of it. So, what does that do? How does that really benefit patriarchy? Well, then when you see all the stuff that's currently going on in the world, so many people don't want to talk about it because they believe if they talk about it, um, they'll attract more of it. That's not how this works. Who do you think's gonna love that? Patriarchy. Because then they can get away with it, they can get away with genocide, and they can get away with the Epstein files, and they can get away with letting men off who are going raping people and all of these things. Because you're not going to talk about it, because you have been conditioned that if you talk about it, we'll attract more of it. That is not that is not how how that works. Right? And and and the nuanced piece is, and this is how how they get people, because something can have a millimeter of truth in, but then be taken out of context, as in if you're constantly just focusing on everything that is wrong in your life, you're gonna notice more things that are wrong, you're gonna feel depressed, like and all of these things. Um like you're gonna end up in spaces with people who are also like that. That doesn't mean like everything you focus on, you're going to get more of that. That is just not fucking true. That is just not true. In fact, the women that I see who actually end up in in relationships and end up thriving, they focus on the shit stuff. As in they don't ignore it. I don't mean as in they just get lost in that and all of that, but I mean as in they don't ignore it. They don't ignore it, they don't just affirmation over it, they don't just focus on, oh, but here's the good aspects and here's this. No, no, they face the the hard bits, the shitty bits, the oh my gosh, like this is not working, and and this doesn't feel good and this doesn't feel right. They don't ignore that, and they pay attention to that, and so often in the spirituality field, it's just like okay, well, just just focus on the good things, just focus on the green flags, just focus on that. And I'm not saying that there isn't a place for these things, but a a system where we become uncomfortable that anything that feels hard, that anything that feels um difficult, that anything that you know makes us um, you know, brings up anger and stuff in us, what do they teach in the spirituality field and the law of attraction field? That's a low vibration and you'll attract more of it. What does that cause women to do? It causes them to suppress so much of that stuff. Who benefits from that? Systems that have systems that want to keep you quiet, systems that want to like shut you down. Um, and even in the spaces where you know they they they'll say like you know, anger and all of that is is is welcome and stuff, there is still this kind of thing of like don't focus on that too much, like protect your peace at all costs. Here's the thing again, there is there is a place for that. Like there is a place for that. Like if you aren't, you know, taking care of yourself, etc. etc. etc. Again, that that's not good for you. That serves patriarchy. They love you know, people burnt out and distracted and feeling like it's all like you know, helpless and like you can't make a difference. And and that's the other big joke, is you actually can make a massive difference. Like there is this just if we all came together and did this, and as I say, you know, like if we all came together and we were building communities and creating ecosystems, and we weren't just kind of going, oh, that that makes me feel uncomfortable, and that makes me feel angry, and that might make me feel a little bit um depressed and a little bit down and like a little bit like despair. Um, but like we've our tolerance for that has become really, really low. Like, I I so often see people, and they don't want to have these hard, difficult, uncomfortable conversations. Um and they really, really believe they've just got to transcend it all. And um, like you transcend when you die. You're here to be in the the human realm, in your body, and you know, like so. I think about a lot of these things, and I think about you know the teachings and like Buddha and all of that. Like, dude left his wife and he has a son to s to seek enlightenment. Like, imagine a woman did that. Imagine a woman did that. Oh my gosh, the uproar. Like, so many of these teachings, you know, they had a woman in the background doing all the invisible labor, doing all of these things, teaching women to just vibrate higher and to transcend out things is teaching women to be disconnected from their bodies, to be disconnected from their anger, from their rage, from their the things that are that are bothering them, and just just I'll just just focus on the on the gratitude, just focus on this, just like as I say, I can't say this enough. But it's like often so so so overdone. It is often so so so overdone. You know, like if you were walking around and like just not seeing like any of the blessings in your life, then we might need to have a conversation. But for most people that I know, most women that I know, particularly like women, I'm really let's be honest, I'm talking more women here, um, they often beat themselves up because they they think, oh well, I should be happy, because you know, like my partner, for instance, does X, Y, and Z, and such and such partner doesn't. And um, it's like that doesn't make it okay. And um, you know, like I I've got children and I love my children and blah blah blah. But whilst they're you know drowning in like some so many things, or whilst they're having to um just abandon themselves because they're told if if they don't do that somehow, they're bad, selfish, a horrible person. And I'm just I so many women are like, get more fucking horrible, like get more fucking mean, and it's not actually mean, but it's like this whole love and light thing. I tell you what, I think it is one of the most um dangerous um parts of it. And the reason that I think is it's one of the most dangerous parts of it is because it doesn't look it, it's packaged so well, it looks, it looks, I mean it's called call love and light, it looks like love, it looks like kindness, it looks like compassion, it looks like empathy, and so often it is not like so often it is upholding systems that are harming people, you know, like if we if we believe that um every single person is, you know, just this this being that's got everybody's best intention and everybody is doing their best, and I do think a lot of people are just doing their best, right? But there are also people out there, and this is like so um deeply entrenched in the spirituality field who don't care about you, and if you talk about things, whether it's things that are happening in the world or happening in your personal life that are really hard and really, really difficult, and um they like a lot of them they don't care about that because that conversation to them is is too is too negative, it's too heavy, it's it's too uncomfortable. Like they don't want to go there, they want to quote unquote protect their peace, and um they'll f they find ways of often indirectly like blaming you. You know, if they have you distracted, right, if they tell you your thoughts create your reality, right, then they're going to have you distracted on focusing on trying to change, change your thoughts, change your beliefs, like change all of these things, which is so much fucking work, rather than going, hey, if the system was different, you wouldn't have those thoughts and you wouldn't have though that belief because it like you wouldn't. You literally wouldn't, like you have those thoughts and you have those beliefs because that has been your reality and because you have seen it time and time again. Now, am I saying there's not a place for you know really questioning your your your um thoughts and your beliefs and um your biases and all of that? No, that's that's really really fucking important work and to look at the things you tell yourself and like the identities and stuff that you've like all of that stuff. There's there's a really really fucking powerful place for that, and a place that can be so um beneficial for you, right? And this is why it works. This is why it works, this is why any of these systems work, because they take, you know, something with a sliver of truth in, and they they they ride with that and um take out all the complexities and all the nuance to that. Like I'm gonna say it, your thoughts don't create your reality. And I know that's gonna piss some people off, right? Your thoughts don't create your reality. I know that is like something that is heavily uh taught, right? I am not saying that um there isn't a a sliver of truth to that, but it is it is a slice. It is a slice, it is not the whole pie, right? It is not the whole pie, right? So much of what creates our reality is is is systems, is is the setup, it is other people's um actions or inactions, like so there was so much to it, but if you have people just so focused and so distracted on working on their beliefs and working on and their thoughts, and oh my gosh, like um if if I if I if I like focus on this too much, oh my gosh, then I'm gonna track more of it. And then it's and it's it's my fault because it was it was my beliefs, you know, like all of these things like are so deeply rooted in the spirituality field. Patriarchy loves that. The government absolutely loves that. Because instead of you kind of then going, hey, like what you're doing to people isn't okay, you're instead distracted on doing belief work and trying to have more high vibrational thoughts. And um, like it's it's so focused on you're the problem. You're the problem. And who benefits from you being convinced that you're the problem? Now, I'm not saying that there aren't brilliant, amazing parts of these things. In all of these things, there is always wisdom, there's always good teachings, right? There always is. Otherwise, it wouldn't work. People would just be like, what the fuck? This this is bollocks. But that's again how these things work, because there are strands of truths in these things, right?
The Grain Of Truth And The Poison
There are bits, there are parts of it that will that will help. So for instance, I'm going to share my personal story, right? When I first discovered the law of attraction, I was just like, oh my gosh, this makes so much sense. This makes so much sense. And it really, and this is gonna sound like a big statement to make, um, but it really got me out like of a like real depression. And and like it really, really did. And I'm gonna tell you why, and then how it can become a poison. And you'll hear people talk about this, right? And it'll sound too good to be true, but it is actually a truth for many people, and that is how they get lost in this analysis, how then they'll go on and teach it more, but they won't see the the nuance to it. I I I was that person, like as I say, I knew certain bits were off, but I just didn't have I didn't have the level of discernment that I have now. I didn't have the level of self, like trust, like all of these things, which again is what it capitalizes on. Um, but basically what happened for for me is um I was like in a really like dark um place in my life. I was like really unhappy and I was really, really struggling. And there was two main events that really shifted things and really, really positively helped. One was um I discovered the law of attraction. The first book that I read was was was The Secret, and that is like where a lot of people of of my um generation like discovered the secret, right? And of course it made me it did it did a couple of things. One of the main things it did is it spoke to something that I knew, like I knew there was there was something. I knew there was, you know, as I say, I talked about this on my um alchemy witchcraft um podcast episode, right? Because I'd had these experiences, I knew there was something. I knew there was some sort of whatever you want to call it, higher power, God, like whatever. I don't really believe in God in the way that a lot of a lot of people do. So I would say, like, you know, universe, spirit guides, and all of that, right? But I knew something. So this kind of give me something that I I guess that I could like latch on to um that you know, like made some sort of sense. And this is the thing, if everybody's telling you um what you believe is is is not true, but you know there is some truth in something, and then somebody presents you with something that can can resonate, like you're going to just you're going to believe that because other people who don't have that, who people who are very practical and are very logical and don't believe in like spirit at all, those people are like almost feel like they're gaslighting you because it's like, what do you what do you mean there isn't this other side? Like I have seen things and I've had experiences, but they they don't see things and I don't have those experiences. So to them, it's just you are just bonkers, you are just bonkers to them. So this is where um a lot of people find themselves in in the spirituality field. So first of all, it it did that, it like it spoke to those parts of myself, right? The um second thing it did is um, and this is where, as I say, the gratitude can really, really help. When you're really down and when you're really um, you know, depressed and stuff, you often don't see the um good things in your life. Now, lots of people do, and that's why they struggle, because they know they've got good things in their life and it still doesn't feel it does, it still doesn't, you know, like um they they still feel shit. But like I was in a place where like I just wasn't sometimes seeing things, so it give me a different perspective, which made me feel better, you know, like that is where there is a grain of truth of um, you know, like the power of gratitude, you know, that can really change life, and it's really heavily on that of like you know, seeing the good things and like really, really counting your blessings and like all of that. Like, I always think that's important, like every day, like I really, really work on um just seeing the blessings in my in my life. I think that's so so important, and also I also will see the things that aren't working, like it's it's it's both, it's not one or the other. The other thing that it does is if you have felt like, and this is what happens to a lot of people like what's the point, and it all feels like helpless and like you're never going to be able to change things. What the law of attraction does is it gives you belief, and the way it works is because you will try some of these things and you will notice and see shifts in your life, and you will, and then you go like, holy shit, this there's something in this manifestation thing because it's true. There is something, there is something in it. There is something in it, like there is there is something in where you like there is truths in like where you put your attention and where you put your energy, right? And that's the thing, right? What people don't want. Two opposing things can both have truths in them. We want neat boxes of um your thoughts create your reality without any other truths, without any other nuances, right? And then the spirituality fields will people will start questioning, be like, huh, it doesn't just seem to work like that. So then they'll bring out these new answers for you and they'll be like, oh, but well, there's other laws. You know, is it deep chopper? Like, I could be wrong here that has like other books about all the other laws, who happens to be in the Epstein fast, who talks about divine feminine and clearly doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit. But if you're outsourcing your power and like kind of going, well, babe must know, but it's believable because and he was never thankfully he was never somebody's work that I got into, but because it does provide answers where other people, the logical people, the practical people, can't give you. And and like we know so often the practical doesn't work. Something I always say to people is like when the practical like is not working, like go woo. Go woo. Because I know and I've seen it, and anybody who's entered this world, you have seen the the power of like doing this, doing this work. And also, it doesn't work on on its own. It doesn't, it's not a it's not a a magical trick that is gonna solve all your problems. No. Like sometimes life's just hard and there's hard work and you have to like face things and all of that. So then these teachings will start being like, oh, well, you know, you have to take action too, and you have to do that. That's not a bad thing because that that's that's important. My issue is so often these spaces are still deeply, deeply, deeply patriarchal.
Discernment Without Rigid Thinking
And this is something that what's problematic about these spaces is that, and I include myself in this because I literally, like, literally only like I would say fully woke up to this, like very recently, like in 2026. Um like it had been coming for years and years and years, but like it where it like really, really landed to the point where like I literally couldn't unsee. And I think that's what's happening now in this in these spaces. There is this massive thing where like so many people are kind of sensing something isn't isn't quite right, can't quite put their finger on it, but it also is like, but I also don't get it because I know there's some truths in these things, and and that's the thing, and I think what the issue is, there are people who know people like Deepak Chopra who do not give a shit, don't give a shit, who haven't got your best interests, right? But then there's a lot of people who actually just don't just don't realize. Just don't realize. Like they generally just think, well, your thoughts create your reality without any any nuances. So they're not gonna talk about um, you know, certain things, right? And then what happens is it creates like this more of this divide because then you'll see other people speaking out and they'll be like, or people who aren't speaking about it, like they just don't care. I don't think it's as simple as that. So then they start feeling like you know, they're they're being attacked, but in it it to them, in in in you know, they're really just like, no, I do care. That's why I'm not speaking about it, because I don't want to attract any more of this into my life. I don't because they really believe if they focus on it, so like more of it will happen. More of it will happen. Um I there are people who just don't care. There are people who just don't care, but there are people who do, and they're not speaking about it, and it's so often written as like, oh, they just don't care, they care more about their money, they care more about their brand deals and all of that. And I'm not saying there aren't people like that, but that's not everybody. Like some people just don't realize, they just don't realize, and and and I also think, right, and not everybody's gonna like this, we also need spaces where like things that are like really, really heavy and hard and stuff aren't talked about. Because, and and here's the thing: again, we have to be able to hold the nuance, we have to be able to hold the complexities. Like, we are not designed to um be able to take on everything and all the world's problems, right? Again, that only benefits patriarchy because then you will be burnt out, you will be exhausted, you will be constantly distracted, like you will live in anxiety, like all of these things, there there needs to be both. There needs to be both, but it needs to come from this kind of like this this this conscious place. Um I don't think it's like I don't think it's like one or the other. And so for me the work is always like being discerning. Being discerning. Like I I do feel like everybody should talk about you know different things. Like I don't talk about everything, I don't talk about everything, I talk about some things, and I don't have it all over all over my feed and all of that, and because I'm currently like navigating and working this out for for myself, and I think the problem is what as soon as we start having this very um you know like rigid thinking of it's this way or it's that way, I think it's it's I think that's really problematic. I think that's really, really problematic because none of these things are ever as simple as that. And where I've come to, and this is constantly evolving and shifting, you ask me next week, two weeks, in a month's time, I might have a different perspective on this. Is we know we can't do it all. So, my perspective on this is focus on the one thing and the one area that you care about the most, and focus on that, and it's gonna piss some people off, and they're gonna think that you don't care, right? They're gonna think you don't care, and you have to be okay with that. It might not feel okay in your body, your nervous system and stuff might be activated, right? Because you can't speak about everything. So you focus on the thing because I think if everybody did that, that's what would move the needle, that's what would create change, that's what would create shift. So for me, I focus a lot on talking about like invisible labor and relationships and heterosexual relationships. Why? Because I really, really believe that if you don't address invisible labor, trauma and like the systems will be upheld. Because if women are burned out from doing so much invisible labor, um like that's gonna affect, you know, their children, it's gonna affect their um ability to um, you know, speak out on certain things. Like it's it's all of these things like I don't believe without addressing invisible labor, um anything will change. It doesn't mean that there's not other things that I don't think is important to talk about. I do, but I cannot do it all. And here's the other thing: this is the other way we uphold the system is we we expect um women, we hold women to a much higher standard of like we're policing women of like she hasn't spoken about this, therefore she must not care. She must not give a shit. She must just only care about money, she must only care about her brand deal. Like, without actually knowing that person, that literally might not be true. She might not be talking about it because she wants to create a space because she sees how many women are at breaking point and she wants to create a space from them where they can get away from it. Not because she doesn't think it matters, because she thinks it does matter. She might also believe if she focuses on it, she'll attract more of it. Is that problematic thinking? Yes, but does that make her an inherently bad person? No. Like all of the all of these things, they there can be so many reasons why somebody is not speaking out about something. Right? And and like their intentions might be so good. Now I know like even the best intentions can be problematic, right? It can be having an impact, right? That is really, really problematic. But if that person doesn't know that, and also I think it's important we don't hide behind that, right? There are people who literally just don't care, who are really, you know, problematic, whether it's problematic and they knowingly problematic and they don't care, or whether they're problematic but they just don't realize it, right? And here's the thing: we're all problematic at times. Like, there are people who would work with me and it would not be good for them. And that's why, like, anybody that works with me, I really try. Um, well, actually, I don't try, I literally do this, and like, let's have a one-off session first, let's see if we're in alignment first, because my work is not good for everybody, and some people it's absolute fucking medicine for, right? Um, but it's it's it's not for everybody, and and this is this is the same literally with with anything, you know. Talk therapy is really good for so many people, CBT is some good for so many people, like all of these methods, but they're not for everybody, they do not align for for everybody. That is literally the same with with anything. Like, so for instance, like a lot of my work, you know, like we talk about um places again where patriarchy hates women going, you know, we talk about sex and taboo things and like all of these things for some people, depending on their trauma and that thing, like that would just be um too much. You know, they've got they're not they're not there yet, they've got so much shame for somebody else. It's like, oh thank fuck, somebody's talking about this. Oh my gosh. Thank you, right? Nuance. Chances are if you listen to this podcast and you like my stuff, me and you are a great fit. I'm not a great fit for everybody. I purposely put stuff on my website and it's going to put people off that it's not gonna be good for. You know? Like I purposely swear and all of these things, and it's a put on my website because for some people that is um like it's just like it's just a no for them, right? Based on their conditioning and all of that, like they think it's bad, they think it's wrong, right? I'm just gonna like fucking just uh trigger the shit out of them, but not in a good way, right? Not in a not in a good way, right? Again, we don't talk about this. You can be triggered in a good way. It can be uncomfortable and it can be hard, right? But it can be it can be in a way that like cracks something open, right? And again, we've got to be careful with just um using the word triggered like really, really casually, right? I'm not talking about when something just makes you a little bit uncomfortable, right? I am talking about when something like you feel really dysregulated in in your body, right? And it's hurt to the point where like you have a visal like reaction, right? Again, that's not always a bad thing. Again, I think that's like been really, really capitalized in this industry of like you should always be happy and you should always be comfortable, and like now that's like really, really, really problematic. You're going to be uncomfortable at times. You're going to like there's going to be things that don't feel good. A lot of the work around changing your life requires some dysregulation. You're not supposed to be, you know, again, because regulation is often taught as even when they say it's not, but it's often taught, it's like being calm and like all these things at the time. Like that's often dissociation. And what I see is so often in in these fields, when somebody starts feeling dregulated and uncomfortable and starts feeling like down about certain things, they're like, oh, well, I just need to focus on the positive, I just need to focus on this, and I just need to avoid all of those things. And it's like, so nothing fucking changes. If it worked, right, if all of these things worked, right? Everybody that had entered, the law of attraction, the manifestation field would all have the lives they wanted. Most people don't. Most people don't. They don't. If you've got loads of, you know, a bunch of friends and like you you see them, right? And they all do manifestation and all of that, and the majority of them are, you know, like still having X, Y, and Z problems, then I think we need to admit that it doesn't just work on its own. It doesn't just work on its own. We also have to we have to look at systems. We have to look at systems. It's not one or the other, it's both. There is a place for all of this work. Like I like alchemy is something that I I absolutely love. But alchemy's not easy work. Alchemy is not this this like woo thing. It's it's not, it's often deeply um uncomfortable, it's often really fucking hard. It's um facing the shit that you often don't want to face. And so often in in these spaces, people don't want to go there, right? And again, like these things can meet people where they're at, right? If I hadn't started with say the book um, say the secret and stuff, right? I'd have never got to this point. It was an entry point, right? I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, right? Because I would have never got to where I'm at now. I just I just wouldn't have, right? It met me where where I was at. You know what
Reiki, Trauma Release And Real Healing
I said? There was like, you know, two things that really served me, right? One was like learning about law of attraction, right? It was um all all of those things, right? Because I I started doing that and I was like, holy shit, right? There is something in this manifestation thing, right? Where logical people, practical people will be like, that's just a coincidence. And it's just like they're never they're never gonna get it, right? And it's you have to you have to have had one of these experiences to to know, right? So that was that was the thing. It was it was things like the law of attraction and all of that, right? There was another thing that happened, right? I had a Reiki session, and that really for me and This isn't everybody's experience. Again, different things work for different people, right? Reiki was really, really powerful for me. I also think Reiki's ability to um be really, really um like really really effective is it really depends on um the the the person giving the Reiki and if they're in alignment with the person receiving it, right? Because I've had Riki and stuff before and like not had those experiences, and it's not that that person wasn't good at Reiki and all of that, right? It's just like I I think like anything, it's it depends how you know it's it's like counselling and like all of these things, like you have to find like the thorough person, the counsellor that is in alignment with you. This is the same with like any of these things, like like I said, with my work, it's like so in alignment for some people, for other people, like it's it's it's not, but but it would be with somebody else, right? I had and also Reiki's just not the thing that works for everybody, right? But I had this um Reiki treatment, and it was a really, really profound experience for me. Um and I really put that down to one, I just find Reiki very powerful for for me, right? It's just something that works for me, right? So it was that also um I was really in a place where um like I was just just just just just ready for it, like that was just the thing, right? Um and also like the person was just like really her energy was just really like good good for me, right? Um she was just a really beautiful, like gentle um soul, like she just really really cared, and but more than cared, as I said, like our energies were just in alignment, right? I had this Reiki treatment with her, and at the time I didn't know what was happening. Now I have more understanding of trauma, and I've studied trauma a lot now. Now I'm like, oh, that makes sense, right? But at the time I just didn't know what was happening, so I had this Riki treatment, right? And if you've never had Ricky before, you might not know this, but they often like don't even touch you, and this was a Ricky treatment with like crystal healing. Um, and so she didn't like touch me, like our hands were like above me in like different sort of areas and like of my body. Um, but like she wasn't actually touching, she didn't actually touch me. She might have touched me a little bit, like she might have like said, Can I put my hands on your shoulder or something like that? Um but like on the whole, like I can't remember if there was no touch or just very, very little touch, right? Um but like she barely touched me, as I say, there might have been no touch, but you're talking oh gosh. Um I reckon 2009, 2010 or something, I I had this this this treatment. So it was like 16, 17 years ago. So I can't remember if it was like no touch or very little touch, right? But I had this Roky um treatment, and what started happening is my body just started shaking, like it just and I couldn't control it. And I just started um and bear in mind she wasn't saying anything, anything like that, right? This was just like all energy work, and like my body was just like shaking, and like I couldn't control it, and I and I just started crying, and I was just like weeping, and I couldn't stop the tears. Like it was just like it was just insane, and I had no um control over my body or over the shaking, which sounds might sound scary to some of you listening to this, but it really wasn't. I can't explain it. Um, but it was really um really healing. It was really like loving. I can't, I can't explain it, but the energy was just so, so, so loving. I now know um that was like literally like my body was processing trauma, trauma was leaving my body. What do we know? Look like an look at an animal, like in in in the wild, right? It's just been chased and stuff, right? And it'll literally start shaking afterwards, right? Because it's coming back to regulation. Somebody who um has just been in an accident or whatever, or like something has like really shocked them, they'll start shaking, right? We often try and like stop stop these things, right? Somebody might start crying, and again, we'll often say to people, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. That is their body literally like releasing. It is their body regulating it, it's doing exactly what it needs to do, and we often get in the way. It is, you know, completing what we often call, you know, in um the emotional regulation space, in the trauma space of like completing the stress cycle, right? My body, as I was having this Reiki dan, there was a it created this like safe environment um with this woman that was so so so loving, very matriarchal woman who really, really give a shit, who really, really cared. It created this space where my body could process it. I didn't even know what it was processing, right? I didn't even know what it was processing, right? And this is where like I'm a real fun believer in this work. Like, no talk therapy, no counselling, not none of that did what this did for me, right? And this made no logical sense, right? Crystal healing makes no fucking logical sense. Reiki makes no logical sense, right? It's why people poo-poo it, it's why people laugh about it, right? Anybody that's had experiences like that, right, they know the pain of people kind of laughing and like mocking it, and yet you know there's something in it, right? Is it for everybody? Absolutely not, right? But for those of us who've had those experiences, you know there's something in it. Again, this is why we end up in the spirituality field, right? Because it it works for us. Does it change everything? Absolutely not. We have to do these things, right, alongside looking at systems, right? Looking at things, and that was the piece that I didn't have back then. Like I didn't realize like just how much of my life, um, you know, like I was deeply impacted, you know, by things that, you know, um, like systems and like conditioning. And again, that is where, again, spirituality, the law of attraction feel like steps in because I started questioning my beliefs, the beliefs I had about myself, the beliefs that um, you know, like I found like self-love and like all of these things, right? And and I think that's a beautiful place and it's a place to to start, but there becomes a point where it can't just be focused on you, and it has to become more matricular where you look at like, oh my gosh, look at how many people are struggling and suffering. And so often in the spirituality field, it stops there. So often it's not like, hey, let's build, let's build the village, let's, let's, let's create an ecosystem where we're villagers too. Like, you know, it's that saying, like, everybody wants a village, nobody wants to be a villager, right? But also so many people literally can't be villagers because they are so burnt out and they are so overwhelmed, right? So many people, you know, like wouldn't show up, you know, um, for people that are struggling, so many people don't even show up for their friends because they're too busy protecting their peace, and they're like, oh, she's negative and she's this, and like she's uh, you know, like she's just an angry feminist now, or like whatever it is, right? And it's just like you're upholding patriarchy by doing that. If you are always trying to transcend and actually not holding spaces for anger and you know, the anxiety and the irritation and like people's resentments and like all of that, when they have justified valid reasons to be angry, to be pissed, like you're part of the problem. Like you're part of the problem.
Money, Power And Being Seen
And I I again one of the things that like really, really grinds my gears is so often in these spaces, and I've talked about this before, but I'm gonna keep saying it because it's really, really fucking problematic. You know, teaching women like focusing on money or power or wanting any kind of status is a bad thing. Am I saying there's there can not be problems with those things? Yes. Patriarchy and capitalism and all these things are really, really deeply linked. But you'll go to these spaces, right, whether it's a woman's circle or whatever, right? And you'll see, and there'll be so many people, and like you can guarantee there's there's women there that um are struggling financially, right? They might not speak about it, they might not talk about it, they also might not speak about it because they're frightened if they speak about it because they've been conditioned by the law of attraction, feel like um don't have a poverty mindset, don't focus on the lack because you'll track more of it, right? What is that doing? That is silencing women. That is silencing women. That is that is hurting women. That is hurting women. We need women, and I've spoken about this before, who are more power hungry. Because what does power mean? It means you are resourced, you have influence. How do you create change? You create change through having influence, through having clout. We need people who give a shit to have clout. We need to raise their profiles. We we need them to be attention-seeking fucking whores. What do what do we do? We we but we we live in a world, and I've said this before in other episodes, I'm gonna keep repeating a lot of the same shit, right? Um, you know, we talk about people being authentic, but then we talk about people being vulnerable, you know, don't just do the highlight rail, right? But then when when they are, we call them attention seeking, and attention seeking has been used as a weapon. It's been used as a weapon on women. Don't be seen as being dramatic. This is misogyny. This is misogyny, misogyny works deeply well with patriarchy, right? These things go hand in hand. They go hand in hand. And if you bring up often anything sort of, you know, negative about men and stuff, even though it'll be like a a thing that can be proven statistically, even other women will go, not not not all men, all women do this too. What does that do? It like as a deflection, now we're not looking at the actual issue, we've just shut her down. Like there are just so many of these spaces where I I I just I can't I just can't stomach it. I just can't stomach it, you know, where things are just not addressed. You cannot um self-care, reiki, sound bath your way out of oppressive systems. And also, I believe in these things. Pink alchemy, the there's a sound bath as part of pink alchemy, right? Pink alchemy is is my next event coming up with my friend Hannah, if you don't know what that is, right? I just spoke about that Reiki session, that really, really helped me, right? But what I see happening is um people end up doing these things and they're just doing more and more more self-care, and um we're not focusing on those other things because we don't have the the tolerance for anything. That's that's that's hard, that's that's heavy, that's that's uncomfortable, that's difficult, that's inconvenient. Like, but you have to be willing to be inconvenient sometimes. You have to be willing to be with hard, heavy stuff.
Love And Light As Spiritual Bypassing
Um the love and light scene, I fucking hate that scene. I think it is one of the most um like I I find that it literally makes me like now. Like I if it's it sickens me, right? Because um so many women don't need to be more loving, they don't need to be giving out more light. No, they need to be like, I fucking hate this. They need to be embracing their quote-unquote darkness, right? Like, they need to be embracing that, they need to be more fucking savage because they're getting exploited, because they're burnt out, because they're pouring into everybody else. Like there's a book um called All the Way to the River, Elizabeth Gilbert, right? This book I think is really, really powerful, right? It does a couple of things. First of all, there's a spiritual element to the book, right? The other thing is it talks about like addiction and things like that, right? And there's this um part in the book, I listened to it on Audible. None of this is sponsored, by the way, but I just found it a really, really powerful book, right? Where um basically, like this person's quote-unquote darkness come comes up, right? And um the other person in the book, I don't want to give away like too many names or characters or like, you know, um, not characters because this is actually, you know, events that happened. Um, but they're basically like, thank God, you finally embraced your darkness, right? And as I say, darkness in quote, right? But it's just like, oh my gosh, that that's why I'm so big on like talking about like the taboo stuff and like reclaiming words and all of that, because I found the other way just doesn't work. It just doesn't work, it doesn't work to just fork on quote unquote love and light, right? And I get it, I get it where it comes from, right? Because a lot of the pain and stuff that happens in the world is due to hatred, right? But like again, we want these neat tidy boxes, right? There's a difference between hatred when you're talking about things like misogyny and you're talking about men being violent towards women, and that's very different to women fucking hating a system that it that is that is harming. Like you're supposed to fucking hate these things. You're supposed to fucking hate these things, you're not supposed to be like all love and light, whilst you're getting your ass fucking kicked. Like, you're not. Like, if women were to tap into the part of themselves that wanted to, you know, like get fucking revenge and wanted to like whatever it is, right? And I'm not saying like go out and like actually act on these things, right? But it's like embrace that side of you, right? Because then you can channel it in a way that's going to create change in your life, right? Like, I the reason that I have the things in my life that you know like have changed for me in a really, really positive way is because I embrace that side of myself. Like, I am not just love and light. No, like I and I have to work to do this because what does patriarchal stuff do? What does like Western spirituality do, right? It tells you to ignore all that. It literally hinges on, like in religion, this is good and this is bad, right? Rather than like your full wholesome self, right? I really, really, really, really work to those like parts that are often seen as shadowy in society, right? And by shadowy, I mean as in society seems to them as bad, right? I don't often think that they are. In fact, I actually believe that a lot of the times these light qualities are actually the most quote unquote shadowy. What do I mean by shadowy? I mean as in can be deeply destructive, whether they hurt you or they hurt somebody else, right? So for instance, they the shadow side of just focusing on love and light, okay, you end up being exploited, you end up being a people pleaser, um, you end up stuck in the phone, trauma response. That is not good for you, that is not good for your kids, that is not good for your relationships, right? But we don't talk about that. We don't talk about that. Even when we say we do, even when we say we're talking about boundaries and stuff, we only take it so far, right? But if somebody was to start saying, like, you know, if a woman was to start saying, like, oh, I'm really fucking mad, like I want him to suffer, I want him to hurt, we'd want to shut that down, right? And I what I've done is I let myself, I like I embrace that side of myself, and then I like I I will channel it because it's an appropriate response often to want those things, right? Like I, you know, people all say, like, you know, about revenge and all of this, and like how it's like this bad thing, etc. etc. etc. Right. I get that, right? Because it can really, really, really, really harm people, right? Of course it can. But just having the the thought in itself isn't, it's just very, very fucking human. And like I'm I'm gonna say something that like people, some people are gonna be like, oh, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Revenge can be fucking delicious. It can be fucking delicious, right? I'm not saying, right, I want to make this very clear, just go and act on on on things, right? I'm not saying that at fuck at at all. Like, I feel like there's gonna be some people that are gonna take take this out of context, right? I don't believe that we just go around trying to get revenge and hurt people, right? That will create the same patriarchal system, right? But you wanting to get revenge, you wanting somebody to hurt and stuff, and maybe that's that's not a part of you that you have have in you, right? But a lot of us do, and um, we've had to suppress that, right? Right, we all have these quote-unquote sort of dark sort of elements in us, right? They look different from person to person, but I'm telling you, everybody's got it, and there's such beauty and there's such fucking wholesomeness in that, right? And there's like a real, real power in that, right? And I I I to be honest, like I'm struggling to know how to ex explain this, but it just I just know it is not as simple as just one or the other. Like I just wish some women were more um like revenge-seeking, spiteful, bitter, right? Not because I want them to go and fucking go around and hurt anyone, but because they would get out of this, like fawning, people pleasing, being exploited, being taken for granted, right? If they could embrace that kind of that that side of them, right? I really believe that's what would create the shift. But the women are so indoctrinated to be fucking good, to be fucking loving, to be fucking nurturing. And it's just like it doesn't fucking work. Like there's there's this people that I know that I know the shift would come if they embraced a part of themselves that is fucking piss, that is fucking fantasizing about like that person fucking feeling like um sorry about what they did to them, that person that is regretting that they did this to them, like oh my gosh, that like you know, if if women kind of could admit to themselves that they wanted whether it's their ex or their abuser or whatever, to be sorry, to all of these things, to like regret what they fucking did, um, to suffer a bit, to to like to justice to be served, for them to get some fucking like revenge, you know. Like I keep seeing these t-shirts and I think they're fucking amazing. And it basically says, like, you should basically, I'm paraphrasing, I can't remember exactly the wording, but it's basically like, you know, you should count yourself grateful that we just want equality and not revenge, and we want justice, not revenge. And I'm like, I I kind of want a bit of revenge, and I will fucking say that. Do I deep down actually want to see people suffer? No, no. I want a matriarchy where we can all thrive. But there's a part of me in that that would be like, yeah, that would feel good. It would feel good. And you know, people will say, I'll only feel good for a minute. I've got a story where I can say that that is not fucking
Revenge, Shame And Women Being Good
true. That is not fucking true. So I'm gonna tell you this story, and it was like such fucking alchemy for me. And I know some people are gonna fucking judge this, and I just whatever, judge it, don't judge it, do you? Um but when I was a teenager, I had these group of girls who were relentlessly um just really fucking horrible to me, right? And they'd be like, you're a slut, you're a slag, you're this, you're that, right? And not that it should fucking matter, and again, that's patriarchy. Women basically keeping women um against each other and judging each other and policing each other and purity culture and all of that, right? Not that this should fucking matter, right? But at the time, like I didn't really have any sexual experience, and the bit that I did was like non-consensual. Um, it was coercive, like I didn't really know that at the time, I didn't really understand it. We had no language for that. Um, you know, you're talking over 20 years ago, right? And um these they were horrible, they were horrible to me, and I can have a lot of empathy for them now because um they didn't know any different. They didn't know any different, right? And one day I snapped and I was like, fuck you. Um, and they were calling me a slow and they were calling me a slug, and like all of these things, right? And what happened is um the the ringleader of of the these girls, right? Her boyfriend was hitting on me. And you know, he was hot and he was good looking and all of these things. And I remember thinking, ah, he's hot. And um, if they're gonna call me a slot, a slag and a slot and a slapper, they might as well actually have a reason to. So you might know where this story is going. I fucked that dude's brains out, and it was good, and it was satisfying, and it was fucking delicious, and I don't regret it 20 years later. I don't, I don't, I don't regret it. Not one bit. I am deeply satisfied by that decision, and um some people are gonna be like, that's not girls being for other girls and women being for women, you're talking like 20, 20 years ago. Did those women deserve that? No, they didn't, and also as in I'm talking about they didn't deserve the purity culture that was in them. But if you are going to be horrible to somebody, and then somebody doesn't give a shit about you, then like I I don't feel bad. I don't feel bad about it. I feel bad and I have a lot of empathy for them for the purity culture they had. I feel like they were completely innocent in terms of how mean they were to me because that was conditioned into them. But do I feel fucking bad for fucking that dude? No. No, I don't. I I had a gr great time. Like, I had a great time. I I don't feel bad. Um This person I don't think ever found out. I don't care if she ever did find out, but like I don't think she ever did. But I tell you what happened. Next time, they called me a slut, and it's like I just smiled. I wasn't upset anymore. I was like, ha ha, funny and you, funny new, funny and you. And I know some people are gonna be listening to some be like, oh, that dude didn't deserve that, like he didn't deserve sex with you. Um, it wasn't about him, it was about me. I was discovering my sexual self and um I had great sex and didn't feel any any shame about it. Like that was like alchemy. Am I recommending that for everyone? No, some women would do that and feel deep shame and feel deep regret, and um there'd be social consequences and like all all all of that. Like, I'm not recommending everybody do that. I'm not recommending you going out and revenge seeking. I just want to say. But there has been times when people have fucked with me, and I'm telling you, like, I've got revenge and it's been fucking delicious. Am I supposed to say that no? But it's true. I um I I I I love some revenge, I really do. It's why I like the Taylor Swift album um reputation. I relate so hard to it. It's why so many people love that, because it gets to the point, like I think about the you know, the handmaiden's tale. I haven't got to the end of it, like I'm late to the party of watching the handmaid's tale, and I'm I'm currently watching it, right? But I'm at the part in the handmaid's tale. I don't want to say too much because some people haven't watched it, right? Where like she's like, I don't give a fuck, you know, and she's like mad and she's pissed, right? This is the part where I really believe things start shifting when women tap into that quote-unquote darkness, that part that's like, I fucking hate this, right? It's not fucking love and life. Like we've overdone that for most women, right? It's when they get to the point, I call it like they step into the fight trauma response, right? When you start fighting back and kind of going, fuck, I'm not fucking doing this. I'm not doing this. And there's another part to this where you also, as I say, like you build the um matriarchy where you're not constantly in fight and stuff, right? Because that's not good for you either, right? So what you focus on like pleasure and fun and joy, and you're not trying to solve all the world's problems because you can't. That is again more patriarchal stuff, keeping you distracted, right? That's the point. It's not one or the other, the it can be both. It can be both, right? I love fucking revenge. I love getting revenge. I think revenge is fucking delicious. Do I think we should all go out seeking revenge? No. That would be really, really, really, really fucking problematic, right? Do I just go out seeking revenge? No. I have a lot of self-control. I have a lot of um uh uh discipline with those things. Um I do. Do I actually go out and ever physically violently harm somebody? No, no, I don't. But if you screw with me, if you screw with me, um some things I will just let go. Some things I will just see the innocence in you, but if you have really, really screwed with me, um I'm a grudge holder and I don't fucking let that go. And it might be years later. But I I I remember. I remember. That doesn't mean that I'm gonna fucking and and here's the thing, so this is where context matters, right? There are men out there, right, who will get rejected by a woman and fucking rape and and murder her, right? This is not the fucking same. This is not the same when a woman has been screwed over, for instance, in a business deal, and then five years later she gets her her opportunity to screw somebody and she takes it. Right? And that revenge is fucking delicious. And I wish more people would do that. I wish more women would take somebody to the fucking cleanest and fucking enjoy it and revel in that and allow themselves to revel in it. That does not make you a bad, horrible person. Like we're obsessed with women being good, right? Who benefits from women always trying to be moral and good and oh, all of that. That's patriarchy. Now tap into that part of you that is just like, I'm gonna fucking screw this person. Like I'm gonna screw them over. Like tap into that. But so many women can't tap into it. I can tap into it. I can tap into it. I I can. So many women can't, because they think it makes that they they feel shame about it, they think they it makes them a bad person. No, it makes you a person that that is not just like, oh, exploit me. You know, you know, the people, right? Anybody can nobody's immune to being exploited, right? The strongest, most savage women can still be exploited, right? And also, they'll often look for easy targets. They'll often look for people, the people pleasers, the ones that don't offend anyone, the ones that don't want to upset anybody. That's who they look for. They don't look for um because it's it's just too much hard work. Like they want an easy life. Be more like embracing your darkness, to bracing your taboo, to bracing the parts of you that fucking because anything you fucking hate is information. Like channel that. Channel it. Anyway, I could go on and on and on and on and on and on about
Next Week Teaser And Closing
this. Um, but I'm gonna leave it there. I will be back next week. I think next week I'm gonna be talking about, I don't know. If if I don't talk about this, it's because I've got something better planned, right? If I don't talk about this, then um, as I say, it'll be something better. But I'm planning on talking about um when you feel hungry in your relationships, knowing when um um when to stay, when to to leave, and all of these things. And it's really gonna be about you coming back to you because it sounds really, really um corny and cliche, right? But it's like the wisdom is within you because it's it's it's your life. Nobody can have those answers, answers for you, and you can apply this to anything, you know. You can apply this to um a job, a romantic thing, um, a friendship, uh um something that you've been doing for a really um long time, but you're not sure if it's an alignment anymore. I think, as I say, and unless um I feel there's something else that like needs to be discussed more importantly, but I think that's what we're gonna be talking about next week. So tune in for that. If you've enjoyed this episode, if you found it helpful, do do do share it because we want to build a matriarchy which is where we can all thrive. Um we need to get like this, needs to get out, like this kind of work needs to get out because so many people in this, in this, in this field are really, really harmed because women are not taught to embrace their dark, shadowy sides enough, and so many of them are taught that um you know you just get what you focus on or your thoughts create your reality. And I hope I hope you will no longer um be just taking that at face value. If you get nothing else, please don't take that at face value anymore. Please don't buy into that um anything that you're struggling with in in life, whether it's health, relationships, whatever, like don't blame yourself for stuff that is is is not is not you. Anyway, I will talk to you next week.